Stumbled upon this Forbes article about dealing with covertly manipulative / abusive coworkers.

“How To Deal With Mind Games In The Workplace”

And I’m thrilled, yet disheartened, that this is an article in such a big publication.

Excerpt:

For instance, if a team member is giving you mixed messages or withholding information deliberately, it could be a tactic to confuse and destabilize you. Similarly, being left out of meetings, not being cc’ed on important emails, or excluded from social activities can be a deliberate effort to isolate you.

Subtle actions—such as not completing their part of a project on time or providing incorrect information—can be aimed at making you look incompetent. Gaslighting involves making you doubt your perceptions, memory, or even sanity. Statements like “I never said that” or “You’re overreacting” are typical gaslighting phrases. Persistent criticism—often disguised as constructive feedback—can chip away at your self-esteem.

If that sounds reminiscent of prior abuse in personal circumstances… you may be relationally traumatized.

If this excerpt sounded a hellofalot like the “immature defense mechanisms” and “how to actually deal with them” we’ve been researching in detail, we’re on the same page.

And if you’ve been distraught to the brink of a breakdown from experiencing these behaviors 9-5, you’re far from the only Fucker.

Actually, it’s one of the most trauma-common experiences I hear about.

The trauma-work connection

For CPTSD sufferers who’ve had negative work experiences and blamed yourself for the distress you experienced, you need to know:

We tend to wind up in work circumstances that mirror our early trauma.

Here’s the truth:
Abusive work setups feel “normal” to us.
We repeat our learned social behaviors, coworkers read our weaknesses, and take advantage.
We end up in work roles that reflect or overcompensate for our home roles.

And as a result, work feels oddly “like surviving” to an extent that the people around us can’t understand. We’re “too sensitive” and “too preoccupied with what others are doing around us.” And no, we can’t “just let it go,” or “be more confident in the work we do.” We also struggle “simply feeling secure in our position” or “believing we’re all on the same team.”

Because, often, our capitalistic survival is being challenged, we’re sensitive to abuse that others aren’t detecting, we recognize the deceit around us, our work isn’t directly related to the results or recognition of our effort, we feel helpless to change circumstances, our stress goes unheard, and it’s obvious that we are on different teams – with ‘insiders’ and ‘outsiders’ battling one another below the surface.

Workplace hierarchies, themselves, also reflect similar organization to traumatized families. There are Top Dogs and Golden Children, Scapegoats and Blacksheep, Narcissists and their loyal Lackeys. These roles have a way of overtaking our minds and throwing us back in time to disempowered states that appear as “trances.”

To say it’s triggering or retraumatizing is an understatement.

It feels strangely like being a child in a herd of hyenas in golden retriever’s clothing, all over again.

It’s important to know

You aren’t alone if you’ve felt incapable of functioning in the face of workplace abuse.

If you’ve left jobs that felt too chaotic to handle.

If you’ve suffered at the hands of bosses and coworkers, while others have chided your sensitivity.

If you’ve considered or enrolled in Disability.

If you’ve beat yourself up for work being more life-impacting than it “should” be.

You’re not the only one.

You’re not broken.

You’re not insane.

These cases of covert worker abuse are prevalent.

And, just like dealing with our still-traumatized families… “sticking it out” isn’t always effective or safe.

If you’re being traumatized by your work situation

Listen to what you know in your bones.

Pay attention to the subconscious pictures, voices, fears that come up in response to your job. (you might find your family or abusive ex there)

Don’t offwrite your emotions. It’s difficult, but “feel how you feel” rather than trying to force yourself to “feel the way you’re supposed to.”

Yes, bring this to therapy. Do what you can to manage your stress and change your interpersonal behaviors so they’re more self-empowered.

But also, don’t feel like you have to prove yourself by staying in a mentally and emotionally destructive situation.

Recognize that trauma recovery is unlikely to happen in a chronically triggering environment.

And realize that your brain, as well as your life, isn’t in your full control when it’s reacting to abuse.

Especially abuse that “feels like home.”

Self-advocacy advice

Take care out there, Fuckers.

Don’t accept workplace abuse as “normal” or “necessary.”

But also don’t waste too much time fighting an organization that isn’t going to budge.

It’s easier to find a new position than to change the behaviors of everyone around you.

Find work that fits your brain, not the other way around.

Realize that loss of functionality is normal under distressing circumstances.

Meaningful, empowering, work isn’t impossible. And it can be difficult to find.

But it’s worth finding work that allows you to live a real life.
YOU’RE worth finding work that allows you to live a real life.

And every “failure” gives you crucial information about what WILL work for you, so your detection of workplace redflags gets easier and more automatic. You’ll start to spot the stinkers before you exit the interview.

From my hard-earned lessons to you: A marina flag to watch out for is companies that are “like family.”

On a personal note, from a financially-traumatized workaholic:
Take care of your self, not just your bank account, your pride, or your personal expectations.
Consider alternative earning options and part time gigs to get yourself out of a bad situation.
And don’t be afraid to ditch a workplace that was never really “for you” in the first place.

🍻
CHEERS FUCKERS