This is a really big deal. I’m also terrified now for no reason (I think it could be the sharing part). However, my current isolation status and living everyday as if I’m invisible, is actually making me disappear. 

Except for the fact that I will likely live to see the horrific fruition of my disappearance from society. 

---

I’m 43, I lost a very successful business about 4+ years ago, that I started at 23. I had all the usual cast and crew of childhood trauma, but I dealt, and well. Then, as life goes, I had an onslaught of unexpected misfortune which I thought I was handling like a rock star, until I realized I was turning into that someone people began to “worry about”. At my best, under the circumstances. Not helpful. 

Then increasing self-doubt and one very hardcore trigger October 2, 2016, at 4:13am, that resulted in what felt like my body disintegrating into the floor beneath my feet, my brain no longer interested in rational thought, and what I think was my soul actually stepping away from me…slowly. 

Then the rage, the fight…Then freeze, (I’m doing this right now, typing, but very still…)

Then the fluctuations between the fight, freeze, flight, and fawn. 

Then, and still, a deep ton of shame of as my business was that of a Residual Neuromuscular Tension/Relaxation Pattern Specialist. I utilized the full range of Apparatus in my Pilates Studio to teach clients how to not feel EXACTLY HOW I DO RIGHT NOW. 

---

It’s all gone. Everything. Except my husband who was cruel enough to be the catalyst of that 10/02/2016, final breaking trigger that led to my OWN SOUL needing a break from me. 

---

~ An “it’s not you, it’s me, but I need some space.” That kind of break. My soul broke up with me. As did a myriad of friends and acquaintances. 

I’m 100% financially dependent now and still. Agoraphobic to an extent unbelievable to everyone who remained in my life. I know not one person who did not also know me at my annoyingly perfect and successful state. 

So, I’m very much known as a that “what a shame, what a waste” type of person. You can see that in people’s eyes. I’ve seen that. It’s not helpful.

---

I need this thing you created.
I need to not have to explain “what’s wrong”. 
But I do need to have my “wrong” validated. 

I don’t need fresh air, or sunshine, to get out there in public and face my fears (?) or ~ as you can imagine, ANYONE, ever, ever again to tell me to try de-stress, relax. 

Thank you for creating Traumatized Motherfuckers, I identify completely.