SO, if you’ve been listening along to all this relational talk for the past few months, you may have been thinking:

“Sounds great, I’d love to have fulfilling, trustworthy relationships that appease some of that emotional and social loneliness we talked about back in January… BUT… only in my wildest fucking dreams do other people stop, recenter, and re-engage healthily after conflict. Examining their own deepest wounds and owning up to them, and challenging those early learned patterns instead of projecting them onto me. Don’t think that’s likely.”

OR

“Yeah, would be AWESOME to mutually, fully, commit to riding the highs and crushing lows of vulnerably relating to someone consistently over time for our own healing… BUT… I can’t say I’m willing to “consciously commit” to someone without knowing what the fuuuuck they’re bringing to the table on a subconscious level. What’s really UNDER that goddamn tabletop that I’m not seeing?”

Well, you know… as it goes… you are not alone. I’m with you. 

As helpful as this research has been – seriously, the episodes from June have actually come into use in the real world ten times over – I ALSO have to say… “but not with everyone.” 

There are some people who aren’t going to be introspective, self-reflective, or accountable. It’s not their MO. They CAN’T stop, check internally to find out what they’re projecting onto the situation, and proceed again with self-responsibility for mishaps. There’s too much inside of them that has never been dealt with to take that long, deep, stare into their own depths. They cannot go there, the Protective parts of their system won’t allow them to.

Instead. They CAN force the issue to be external. YOU can be the problem, every time, so they don’t have to think about their contributions to the problem… or the roots of those contributions, which are so painful that they’ve avoided touching them for a lifetime. 

And therefore, this month I’m proclaiming… Hey, it really helps to be able to somatically and cognitively “gauge” what seems to be inside of someone, you know… BEFORE you’re neck deep in a parts war that has no hope for a lofty, idyllic, healing, treaty. 

BEFORE you’re so enmeshed emotionally, mentally, financially, and obligatorily with someone that you’re trapped in an abusive situation. 

BEFORE you set yourself up to “commit entirely” and end up justifying all their bullshit and taking it on your own head.

Or, BEFORE you completely exit the relationship you’re already in, because you just can’t understand the unpredictable personality switches this Fucker goes through.

You really want to know what you’re signing up for. Or what you’re truly working with, on their end, already. 

I’m saying…

If all of this talk about “parts” and “deep internal, subconscious, wounds” being the root of our relational issues is real..

Don’t we all need a way to gain a little inside view of our potential and current relationship partners? No matter what that relationship may be? 

So we can decide if they seem safe for us to engage with, self-accountable, and free of malignant parts that simply won’t jive with our own past histories? 

Or so we can decide if it’s even going to be fruitful to stay “so committed” that you continue to put up with regular tumult, triggers, and trauma replays?

I dunno. Call me a relational skeptic – I certainly am. But I say… “Yes.” 

Full commitment to a sinking ship might seem honorable if you’re a violin player on the Titanic. But IS that what we’re really aiming for, in our life experiences? 

Nah, Fuckers. If that’s what we were setting our sights on, we’d be happily complicit members of our families of origin, forever. We probably wouldn’t be here, learning about developing better brains and better relationships together. 

But, uh, I can’t say there’s a lot of “peer-reviewed research” in that direction. “How to detect unseen parts of people to decide if they’re going to rail us in the long term” doesn’t produce good search results. 

So this month, everyone in the private podcast and community membership has been hearing from my damn Self, reflecting on these very issues and what I’ve learned about them so far. 

(I’m tempted to say sorry… that anyone would hear from me in a place where they literally pay to hear from me. Hahaha the trauma, it’s so fucking dumb.)

So, anyways, this month, we’re focusing on picking up clues and our own bodily cues about other people to make some Self-informed determinations about how safe and sunny the relational outlook really is. 

As always, I have to give my favorite caveat… I’ve researched some shit and healed plenty of my own, too. “But Idunno, it’s just one perspective, chomp on that grain of salt, Fucker, and decide what seems right to YOU, from the inside out.” 

Always remembering, of course, that many of the things we’ll be detecting and hypothesizing about in other people? 

Is really a reflection of US and/or the people we’ve dealt with before. 

And this is the second caveat for everything I’m about to say.

As often as we’re looking outwards at others, we also need to be turning around to examine what patterning might be driving the observations and emotions about those observations within ourselves. 

We’re not here to diagnose or heal anyone outside of our own brains. No, it’s really not a good idea to decide you’ve figured other people out without giving the situation some time and effort. And no, I’m never recommending that you tell other people about themselves or their trauma histories. That’s a surefire way to get their self-defensive parts riled at you, rather than looking internally at them. 

Alright, danger words aside, let’s get to the point of this post. Let’s talk about ways to possibly “read people’s subconscious programming” so we can decide if they’re good potential matches for our subconscious programming… or if they’re going to crush us faster than a billionaire-funded toy submarine.

So. 

First up this month, we’re talking about how we can “feel out” other humans, with our trauma histories definitely in mind. 

You know, everyone has a “vibe”… and that is actually a lot more than a bastardized slang observation. 

Let me convince you.

Consider it this way: biologically, we are just energy. 

The connections between your brain cells and their activation patterns? Just energy. Your thoughts? Just energy. Our behaviors, transmitted from the brain through our bodies? Just energy. Our emotions, the chemicals that do or do not fly between our synapses? Just energy. Our words, the nerves and neurons that are required to form them? It’s just the motherfucking transfer of energy.

Ps – Biochemistry was one of the most fascinating courses I ever took.

So in a very real, material, scientific way… everything about our interactions is just energy. From the thoughts and emotions that form our words to the external behaviors we send off into the world – it’s energy.

Sorry if you hate these words, but rest assured I’m not from California. This isn’t some common cultural sentiment I’m now spewing at you with no thinking behind it on my part. In fact, not a single person in my own personal world agrees with anything I’m telling you.

And I still posit – you can “feel” when someone’s “energy” is similar to something you’ve encountered before. As in, your family of origin or any number of past abusers you’ve engaged with. Exes, bosses, shitty friends, authority figures of all sorts. They leave an imprint on you that lingers forever.

Now, you might be saying “duh, the experiences with them are stored in your brain and body, as memories, you woo-ass bitch.”

But those memories are LITERALLY, SCIENTIFICALLY, just…? Motherfucking energy! Your hippocampus firing off patterns of activation that correspond to the patterns with which your related neurons were programmed in the first place. That’s how memory works. Nice. Aced it. We’re nothing but energy. Sorry to tell you.

So when we encounter someone who “feels off” in a way that rings through our protein husks, I believe it behooves us to question “why” with a lot of somatic (that means bodily) exploration and reflection… rather than telling ourselves we’re being “weird” or “too sensitive” or “unnecessarily dramatic.” 

Or dismissing it as “probably irrelevant trauma shit.” When it comes to relationships, NONE OF IT IS IRRELEVANT TRAUMA SHIT.

That little self-abandoning song and dance is how we write off very valid, very red flags that we’re picking up, mayyyybe on a subconscious level. And sell ourselves into terrible situations for years as a result.

So, point is… if you notice someone doesn’t “feel right” to you? But you’re not sure how to characterize that feeling, exactly? What you sense doesn’t fall into a well-defined category of commonly-experienced emotions? Something about them gives you a tickle, a pressure, or almost a magnetic repulsion from them? 

I say… Turn your attention inward, to explore what memories are connected to that “energetic vibe.” 

Is it someone from your past? Is it a situation that feels eerily similar? Is it a pervasive sense of impending doom that you can’t quite put your finger on?

Or… is it possibly something from inside of YOU that ya hate? Like a subconscious “part” of your brain that was formed under pressurized circumstances? And now you’re finding that it’s being “pinged” by the other person – bringing up uncomfy recollections of your own bad behavior, bad times, shameful self-assessments, etc? 

Or, is it “both”? Maybe someone you used to relate with passed on THEIR energy through regular interactions. Now that lives inside of YOU in a compartmentalized, normally deeply numbed-out place. And from this new human you’re engaging with… you find yourself re-experiencing subconscious whispers of your past abuser AND your own shameful recollections of who you were around them… or the ways you accidentally took on their characteristics as your own with time. Eek. 

The answer is – yeah, it’s probably that last one.

Don’t worry, it happens. I say, as my brain yells out the thought that it hates the most “Fuck, when left to my own trauma devices without enough conscious oversight, I’m just like my mom… and that’s why she makes me so ragingly uncomfortable on an energetic level.”

But regardless of who or what they’re bringing up from your trauma tombs… it matters. 

These are things to consider, before you decide to commit fully to someone who makes your teeth itch and your ribs vibrate, just like mom/dad/brother/boss/ex did. 

Because it points towards their internal programming. The things that you can’t see. And they work very hard to mask.

But your body can detect it.

And it points towards YOUR internal programming. Things you also generally can’t see. Things you protect yourself from.

But your body still holds it all.

And the reason why we’re both drawn to and repulsed by this individual, to be “on the fence” about continuing a relationship with them in the first place? 

It’s this. 

Because we “get” each other, as far as sharing deep-wounds and trauma-adaptions, on some conscious or unconscious level. But also… that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good fit for us to continue engaging with. 

And that’s a decision we have to learn to make for ourselves, to avoid the CPTSD relationship downfalls that we’re all so familiar with. Parts of us bonding with parts of them… doesn’t always mean it’s healthy or beneficial for those pieces of our programming to be socially reactivated and validated into the future. 

Right? Again, if that’s what we were aiming for, it would be easier to just stay enmeshed with the family of origin. Which is not what any of us is aiming for. 

Alright, so that’s the quick and dirty on the necessity of believing that what you feel around people IS both relevant and history based. 

THEN, in the next longass episode of July, we talk about doing a lot of the same internal reflection to figure out who this person might actually remind you of… but on a cognitive basis. 

Through examining the systems that they grew up in – culturally, societally, familially, and professionally – we ask if it’s possible to hypothesize about some of the adaptations they’ve had to make. The roles they’ve had to assume. The personality alterations they’ve learned to make. 

And therefore the neural networks and innate patterns that they operate on. Oftentimes, which are buried deeply below what we see on the surface. The personality bits that they might not recognize, themselves. The things they might try to keep “under wraps” for as long as possible, for the sake of protecting themselves and for others. 

So. I propose that it’s important to reflect on and empathize with “who they had to be” to survive and be somewhat successful within the hierarchies and social pressures they faced, across many levels of their existence so far.

From there, we can get a better view of the changes they had to make in their own thoughts and behaviors. Likely, also their emotions or lack thereof. And that’s relevant whether they still identify with those personality markers consciously or not. Because those patterns are still inside of them.

That analysis of their history versus who they are authentically can tell us a lot about whether we see things similarly, or have cooperative parts, or behave in a complimentary way, or hold the same core beliefs – underneath the surface level of what they’re presenting consciously.

Which, I think we’ve learned concretely in 2023, is really driving the cart for all of us. Our consciousness is pretty limited, compared to all the invisible strings being pulled.  

Anyways, running through this analysis of their life histories and social systems?

Well, it’ll tell us a lot about what to anticipate from them in the future. If their family operates in a particular way, with a set hierarchy, gender roles, scapegoating behavior, or triangulation tactics, for instance? I mean, those programs are inside of them to this day. Even if they’ve stated that they’ve turned against them. 

And I’d say, these are things to note before you’re in the middle of a normalized relational trauma bubble. Before you’re part of their family. One that feels like you’ve been dragged backwards into your own kinship cage. 

Plus, examining the pressures of their many concentric social circles also gets us closer to understanding what polarities might exist in that human’s brain. For instance, if they were pressured to be someone that wasn’t authentic to them… that’s likely to create some extreme parts of them, with oppositional views to other parts of them. 

And as we learned last month “external conflict between people is actually reflective of the internal conflict inside of each person.” The opposing beliefs they carry tend to spill over into outer life, because it creates enormous strain to feel conflicts inside of your own self.

SO, yeah, let’s say it really helps to know if they’re a “cohesive” person on the inside. Or if their brain is usually arguing with itself, without another human even getting involved. 

No internal rager is a blast to be around. And there’s a good chance they have an all-too-familiar “vibe” about them. Again, looking at you, family of origin and all the other abusive asshats we’ve encountered through being social animals.

Ya with me so far? 

Awesome. I hope the logic tracks. I mean, they’re big, long, conversations this month. Check out those full episodes to walk through the ways I propose you can do this work with your body and brain. Maybe it’ll help you get clearer on who you relate to, why, and what needs to change, like it does for me.

Or, if you’re on a budget, just take this simple suggestion. It’s a good one, for every person on earth.

When a conflict or “off vibe” emerges in you or in life – stop, center, and deeply consider “is this coming from something inside of me?” 

Ask “Does this spawn a certain feeling inside, where, and if I sit with it… what does it remind me of? What memories come up? Is there a pain point or extremely upsetting set of circumstances that comes to mind? Do they include any negative self-judgments or self-fears about who I’ve been in the past?”

The answer is valid if you say “yes.” 

It doesn’t mean you should dismiss what you’re picking up. It means you should investigate it further, to discover more about your own life history and the ways your brain has adapted. It points to the programs you’ve buried inside yourself – for good reason – that are being brought up by another person.

Then, ask yourself what you can handle. 

If this person IS somewhat like your dad or the way you learned to deal with your dad in an unhealthy way, for instance, either in their energy or the logical ways they’ve had to adapt to the pressures of Earth-living…

You’ve gotta ask – is that something you reasonably CAN commit to working with through all the bumps in the road? Or, to be honest, is that more than your own brain can handle, at least at this point in time? Knowing who your dad is, in this example, does it seem likely that this new human is going to follow in his footsteps? Recreating the trauma pattern you’ve been trying to escape all this time, into the future? Or… is it likely that being around them will make YOU more like your dad, the very thing you try your hardest to avoid?

Woof. Rough points. I know. 

But through reflecting this thoroughly; top-down and bottom-up? You’ll learn a lot about you. 

You’ll get clearer on what you need in relationships, on a granular level. And you’ll avoid the trauma trap that is committing and becoming enmeshed before you know what you’re really going to be up against. (AKA – What PARTS you’ll perpetually be dealing with – from them, from yourself, or from the both of you.)

So the message this month is…

Honor your own instincts. Your memories and the ways they wind through your body. Don’t disregard your own history or the lessons you’ve already learned, on a subconscious level. 

Also, don’t disregard what we’ve learned on an informational basis, about the transmission of beliefs, narratives, behaviors, and personality parts from abuser to abusee. If they walk like a past abuser, talk like a past abuser, or feel like a past abuser… you’re probably setting yourself up to replay old dynamics with them. Even if those abusive demonstrations are fleeting at this point in time.

And also.

We have to remember to honor their experience. Assess the life factors and obstacles this other person had to endure and empathize with the ways their brain was likely impacted forever after. You can find compassion for people, even if you don’t necessarily like who it’s made them into. Even if they aren’t healthy for YOU to be around. 

Remember, your needs and safety are as valid as their experiential learnings. And make your decisions from there. And I think the potential for a “healing, healthy, mutually committed” relationship will be a lot less foggy.

Like I always say – Iunno. I’m no expert. But this is what works for me.

Relationships are a big part of healing. But that doesn’t mean we have to throw ourselves to wolves and hope for the best – especially, if we have ways to detect what’s actually under that sheep’s clothing. And I say… we do.  

That’s what I’ve got for you this month, Fuckers. 

And we’ll be back here in a week or two to keep talking about relational discoveries, hangups, and workarounds… with brains full of human trauma. 

I’ll see ya then. 

In the meantime, Hail yer Damn Self.