Hey, you know, you should really just feel good about yourself. Have a stable, consistent, view of who you are. And really FEEL that from the inside. Have it guide all your decisions, regardless of what the people around you think or say. Be loud, be proud, be confident in what you know and what you’ve seen, from the core of your being outward. And don’t let life fuck that up. When adversity comes knocking (and it will), don’t let it trip you up. Just assimilate the new information and adapt on the fly, like the resilient beast you are. Or better yet, rapidly assess and refuse that information based on its incongruence with everything you confidently – but realistically – know to be true without letting it even touch you. It’s that simple. 

….. sure… and then there’s reality. 

Life hammers and hammers at you… and then pulls out the power tools to really inflict some – let’s say – “changes to your form.” You attempt to steadily weather the storms, but eventually each blow knocks you back. You no longer feel like the untouchable captain of this vessel, and dread every new instance of evidence for your incapabilities, which you anticipate will be torrentially befalling you every time you open your eyes. You retreat from life. 

Over time, perhaps you make some progress in recovering from that worldly and relational beating you took. You, for one, stop pounding on yourself. You also regain some sense of control of your brain, emotions, and life, through this protective withdrawal you engaged with. And start to pull your self back together, slowly, after much self-denegration for having fallen apart at all. 

In all of this, you get tired of what you’ve been doing – perhaps some version of a demotivated, largely avoidant, lifestyle that’s designed around safeguarding your psyche – instead, gather up all your gumption, proclaim yourself strong, and set out to show the world!

Only… to meet some resistance. Immediately question everything you were attempting to do, and your capacity to do it. Recognize the foolishness of your prior attempt at striving, roll your legs back up, retreat into your safe space, and sit back down. Chiding yourself for this blatant attempt at being someone you’re not, while derogating that idiot version of you for being so… what’s the best word for it… “narcissistic”… that you would have gotten those wild and whacked ideas in your head. 

Flew too close to the sun, you did. 

And now, you must demonstrate that you learned your lesson and will keep yourself grounded for the rest of time. Not realizing… with this thinking pattern of “go slow and low to stay safe” you may actually be putting yourself UNDER ground and calling it “living out your days.” 

Which puts us in quite a challenging position, wildly swinging from one end of the “disrupted attempts at a cohesive, authentic, and empowered sense of existence” spectrum to the other. Never landing in the middle, with what we would call a “healthy self.” 

Ahhh, yes, Fuckers. I’m talking about the oscillations between Vulnerable and Grandiose Narcissism thought and behavioral patterns. And the unfortunate overcompensation methods that can flip our psyches back and forth between the two pathological states. While, even more unfortunately, we miss the middle target that every single human being is aiming for – or was lucky enough to create organically in their earlier relational dealings. 

That heralded middle ground? Would be something called in the literature we’re currently examining, “adaptive narcissism,” which lies somewhere, counterintuitively, between the two subtypes of pathological narcdom. 

ALTHOUGH it isn’t narcissism at all. But, rather, a set of healthy, resiliency-boosting, psychologically stabilizing traits and behaviors. Aspects of ourselves that are so important, in fact, that researchers have posited this so-wrongly-called “adaptive narcissism” may not only be a highly protective tool against post traumatic symptomology in about ten different ways… but, that it may also in fact be, (their words) “crucial” to healthy psychological and emotional functioning. 

As such… yeah, we’re spending some time examining this generally-overshot oasis of self sanity over in the in-depth research episodes and community. Is “Adaptive Narcissism” really the thing that we all need to foster in ourselves in order to rely on our selves and create positive life outcomes? Well, the academic literature is pretty convincing. “Yes.” 

All of that being said, I understand if your immediate reaction is “ehhh… not biting.” We ARE, afterall, implying that some variety of NARCISSISM is the way to be. Which probably runs counter to everything you’ve ever experienced or heard in the broader culture. 

So let’s address that point, briefly, and tune into the whole hour-long private stream episode on “stigma” if you’re on the market for more. For many of us, the word “Narcissism” makes us shudder and throw up walls. We cannot interact with the word without feeling like we’re interacting with the Narcs we’ve come to hate. 

“Adaptive Narcissism,” one might say, cannot exist. It’s an oxymoronic pairing of words. To be Narcissistic IS to be unhealthy, therefore this is a nonsense phrase. So, why do we call it adaptive narcissism, when I just told you right out the gates that’s a misnomer? 

A: Because it’s comprised of the beneficial aspects of what we commonly consider to be components of grandiose narcissism. Minus the pieces that lead to pathological or malignant outcomes. And, while we could simply call this a “healthy person,” or “healthy psychological functioning,” that doesn’t describe the aspects that we’re aiming for. 

We don’t KNOW what “healthy psychology” or a “balanced and authentic self” is… hence, the CPTSD diagnoses…. So those words mean absolutely nothing. Just like me telling you at the top of the show to “simply be self-confident and resistant to erroneous information manipulating your thoughts,” was a purposely useless little speech. 

In these brains that have been commonly formed by experiences with narcissists, however, we know EXACTLY what these traits mean…

… in the context of trying not to be one. 

Which is my major point of this month. Yes, there’s something called Adaptive Narcissism in the literature. Yes, we want to aim for integrating that thing into our thought patterns. And Yes, that means, we probably have some narcissistic stigma to address and tease apart, in order to allow ourselves to tap into these critical psychological tools. 

Which… may be the underlying  problem with our weak senses of self, all along, it turns out. Our fear of the word “narcissism” and all the personality traits we connect it with…. Acting like blockades that keep us from important psychological tools. 

The research we’ve been covering this month tells us, point blank, for instance… Self-sufficiency and vanity are particularly healthy for you. They’re shown to correlate with decreased severity and frequency of PTSD symptoms, perception of stress, intolerance of uncertainty, emotional repression strategies, and generalized negative affect. At the same time, they’re correlated with the measures of resiliency: adaptability, control, spirituality, persistence, purpose, and total resilience. 

In other words… um… they’re defenses against and treatments for “life with unhealed CPTSD,” amiright? Call them “protective against” or “healing of,” but either way, the research points to sense of self-sufficiency and vanity as monumental markers of a healthy functioner with greater life satisfaction. 

Problem being… 

In order to even absorb or apply THAT much of what we’ve discovered in the research – a tiny drop in an ocean, Fuckers – a fair amount of negative connotation might need to be addressed, as one wrestles with their natural repulsion towards anything considered “narcissistic,” in order to let it into their own psyches. 

Such as, in particular, the word “vanity.” 

So let me give you a hand with that one on this platform. If you’re up for other redefinitions of words, hey, I’m known for it in the private stream’s supplemental research commentary episodes. 

But, for one, Vanity is actually a sense of pride and accomplishment in what one has done AND the way they present to others. 

Moreso, it’s an AUTHENTIC and ACCURATE perception of achievement and appearance – it’s grounded in reality, or else we’re discussing something else; hubris. And we’re not. I have research on that distinction, ready for your ears to absorb if they’re willing. 

But the point is: vanity is actually more akin to self acknowledgement and validation, with a side of intrinsic motivation driving the whole shebang. It is NOT the shallow, illusionary, exploitative trait that we collectively, commonly, believe it is. 

Meanwhile, here’s another precise meaning of an easily misjudged word for you: Self-sufficiency. 

Sense of self-sufficiency MIGHT be wrongly defined in the ole salt conduits as “selfish” for you – another phrase we broadly fear and societally loathe. In fact, sense of self-sufficiency is about recognizing your personal capacity and being empowered to fulfill your own needs, goals, and preferences. 

AND, actually, in fact, “selfish” is also more and more commonly being re-examined and re-defined as a healthy and critical part of being an adult human with autonomous relationships. To be selfish, as I said YEARS ago on this very platform, check it the fuck out, is to be “like yourself” and to have concern for yourself. Which are both integral parts of being in positive relationships with self and other. 

So. Point being – yeah, aim for healthy sense of self-sufficiency and vanity in your own world…  and, despite the negative connotations around these words, which are intricately linked with narcissism… this isn’t sarcasm. I mean it. If you suffer from self support problems, vanity and self-sufficiency seem to be healing and protective against PTSD. They’re correlated so strongly with components of resiliency and positive life outcomes that it’s a worthwhile effort to start consciously boosting your self-recognition, putting effort into things that make you feel good about you, and being unapologetic for pursuing goals that are authentically important to you. 

You’re actually behooved to be a bit (what we most easily identify as) “narcissistic.” The most wrong-sounding advice anyone could ever give you. 

So. What else can we safely get narcy about?

Other narc metrics 

Alongside vanity and self-sufficiency, the study in question found authority, sense of superiority, and exhibitionism to be fairly neutral forces on the psyche. They aren’t firmly protective, but they also aren’t throwing you under a bus filled with wrecking balls by increasing post traumatic symptoms, intolerance of uncertainty, stress perception, negative affect, emotional repression, or any of the other resilience-destroying measures in the study. 

And doesn’t that information start to call into question all the self-policing you’ve been doing around what could be considered narcissistic traits? Look at all these thought patterns, self-assessments, and resulting behaviors that you might be allowed to engage in, after perhaps a lifetime of trying to rid them from your being (and suffering unknown consequences). 

Just DON’T tap into the less beneficial components of narcissism. The ones that have pathological outcomes, or “negative results over time that often impact the people around you, as well.” 

These traits were found to be Entitlement and Exploitativeness. These are the nonadaptive aspects of all varieties of narcissism. 

Exaggerated sense of Entitlement and Exploitativeness correlated with reduced resiliency in all 5 dimensions (purpose, persistence, control, adaptability, spirituality, and, correspondingly, with total resilience), higher frequency and stronger severity of PTS, lower affect, stronger intolerance of uncertainty and stress perception, and penchant for emotional suppression as a regulatory mechanism.

In the full length episodes we delineate exactly what IS false Entitlement and what is rightful Entitlement, as well as discussing the correlation with “nonconsensual expectation.” Also, diving into how TO address delusional Entitlement and social Exploitativeness issues, if you fear you might have them. 

But the end message is? Don’t be a dick! And, according to this paper, you’ll actually be “fine” if you function with the other aspects of grandiose narcissism. Hell, maybe you’ll be BETTER than fine. You’ll be psychologically protected and self-reliant in the face of struggle. 

Vulnarcdom

And on that note, the other major finding from the bounty of them is… to me… That you do not, ever, want to fall into vulnerable narcissism. Which will offer you zero psychological protection benefits, and, as hypothesized about previously, appears to mirror or even define what we commonly describe as “traumatized living.” Or, “living IN your trauma.” Or, “having a life defined by trauma, rather than by you, your damn self.” 

We won’t run through all the data on low-resiliency, poor life outcomes, and vulnarcdom here. But lettuce say they characteristically describe vulnerable narcissism’s correlation with many suffering-filled aspects of being alive with a human brain such as low authentic living, inability to know what their own thoughts and feelings are, shame, and hypersensitivity to social experiences that, cumulatively, amount to – my favorite measure from any study I’ve ever seen – a strongly “tenuous sense of existence.” 

God, such a good paper. 

Anyways. THAT study, from our second big research episode on the topic, is based on the premise that traditional vulnerability self-reporting measures capture vulnerable narcissism alongside grandiose narcissism, which is where many tales of the Grandnarc have been inaccurately birthed and spread to the masses. 

In fact, according to this paper, Grandiose Narcissism is NOT as correlated with the pitfalls that we expect, such as an exaggerated sense of self outwardly masking an inwardly weak one. Those, it suggests, are vulnerable narc-artifacts, which have not been addressed sufficiently by the psychological community, fucking with our understanding. 

And, in doing so, I propose, fucking with our abilities to help ourselves help our selves, through tapping in to the demonsized parts of grandnarcdom that have been counterintuitively shown to promote recovery. 

So. Let’s get clearer on this controversial set of findings. 

What we’re calling Adaptive Narcissism and Pathological Grandiose Narcissism have a great deal in common. Adaptive narcissism is described by a strong sense of self, high authentic living, expression and defense of their beliefs, and high life satisfaction scores. 

Meanwhile, pathological grandiose narcissists were similarly shown to have more authentic living, a stronger sense of self, and characteristic high approach behaviors that motivate them to continue trying at life, despite obstacles…. 

And, contradictorily, it’s found that Vulnerable narcissists don’t have the same life-promoting forces operating behind the eyelids as either of these two subtypes. Rather, they sink into avoidance, self repression, learned helplessness, and secret rivalries. You may have heard me characterize it at the beginning of the episode, without so naming it. 

This is important to note because Vulnerable Narcissism – in my eyes – is what we can fall into if we DO have experience with narcissists that have interjected themselves, AND, as a result, we don’t allow ourselves to have the self-promoting thought patterns and behaviors wielded by grandiose and adaptive narcissists because we’ve been taught those are markers of the nefarious players who wounded us. 

If we have narc tendencies based on our traumatic upbringings – and we do, let’s be clear about that – but we aren’t “allowed” to utilize the “psychologically healthier” parts of narcissism (some of the grandiose bits) because we’ve stigmatized them, then I believe we can, instead, get stuck in vulnerable narcissism patterns. Thus, rotting away in lonely isolation, coercing people around us to be caregivers. 

If only we COULD be a little grandnarc-ier, in the right ways, we would have opportunity for a better fate than that. 

We just might need to feel a little differentiated from the crowd in order to do so. 

Because, Fuckers…  perhaps, according to research, the psychologically protective characteristic that is most repressed and most important (yet most difficult) for all of us to reconsider our negative reactions towards? 

A sense of uniqueness.

Sense of uniqueness was found inextricably linked to Adaptive and Grandiose Narcissism, beyond other facets of the self. 

And, furthermore, sense of agentic superiority was uniquely tethered to what they’re calling Adaptive Narcissism. 

Two findings that might make your anti-narcissism walls shoot right back up, per the cultural connotation against those two commonly hated aspects of narcissistic behavior. 

Which causes us, again, to say, “let’s look for the gray tones that exist before we hit a rigid and inauthentic pattern that’s in line with pathological or malignant grandiose narcissism.” 

Truth is, you don’t want to be high in a NEED for uniqueness – the obnoxious form of the first measure that attempts to drum up social validation of specialness – but is there a healthy way to AUTHENTICALLY FEEL unique and to ACCURATELY identify ways in which you might be living an… let’s say… elevated experience, compared to the general pop? 

I think there is. 

And it’s a good idea to try to foster it in our own lives, if this peer-reviewed research has anything to suggest to us. 

SO.

Pulling all of this together, it suggests that it’s critical to 1) live authentically, express who you are to others, and utilize internal motivation to direct your behaviors rather than extrinsic means 2) validate who you are and what you’re doing through healthy vanity and realistic sense of self-sufficiency 3) as you do so, identify and believe in the ways you’re different from others to boost your accurate recognition of uniqueness 4) and here comes the hardest one – notice the ways that in your uniqueness and authenticity, you might be more agentic – that is, more autonomously self-directed and genuine – than the people around you. 

You know, without taking that sense of specialness into the territory of false entitlement or exploitativeness, which, as stated earlier, are not healthy for you over time. 

Fucker, I’m saying, based on this research… it might be psychologically and emotionally critical for us to do something we’ve been stigmatizing and avoiding our whole lives… 

To feel… Special. 

In a positive way. Which may cause everyone to shudder, as we estimate that it makes us into a damn dirty GrandNarc. 

But please remember the alternative, which is likely to take over your psyche due to self-alienation tendencies that run rampant with traumatic childhoods:To feel special in a negative way. 

AKA to enact Vulnerable Narcissism strategies. The ones that APPEAR to be safer than their grandiose counterparts. But, in fact, may keep you trapped in your trauma, feeling like a broken outsider, forever. 

Allow yourself to feel positively about you, Fucker, even though we were always taught that it’s dangerous and unpermitted.

And, if you’re like me, it might HELP you to label that as “narcissistic.” 

Sure, we can call it “having healthy psychological functioning,” or “high self-esteem,” or “being a balanced person capable of intimate and positively-fated relationship with self and other.” 

But, to be honest, I think the easiest way to stoke these generally lacking traits of sense of self-sufficiency, vanity, self-authenticity, authentic living, self expression and willingness to defend your beliefs, sense of uniqueness, and agentic superiority that are shown to – again – be “critical for psychological functioning in the face of adversity”… 

… is simply to say, “let your Manager parts let the rest of your parts be just a little narcissistic, unlike the hypervigilant you-policing and shitting-upon strategies they’re normally executing.” 

And see how much relief and rapid change that brings to not only your stable, centered, psychological station… but also, the relationship and material realities of your life. 

And that’s it, Fuckers. 

We put out SO much content on this so-called “Adaptive Narcissism” topic. And we’re still going. INCLUDING those brand new annoying-to-make but excellent-to-view closed captioned videos, so you can read along with each episode, which, I’m told, is the ADHDr’s best friend. 

Check patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers to hit the motherlode of information you didn’t know you needed. HUNDREDS of prior episodes, and new findings frequently flying down the pipeline. And, uh, I’m happy to report that I’m a fully sane person who’s putting out that material again… thanks, in good part, to these most recent papers we’ve been discussing, which have felt like the final integration factor necessary for this brain to “click” back into a whole version of its self. 

In other words, if you’re wondering if this adaptive narcissism topic crosses over with parts work? Oh, Fuckers, it does, and we’re talking through that, too. See you in the Fort. patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers. 

With that, until we speak again, remember the reality of being a human meat puppet amongst 8 billion others. It can be hard to feel like you stand out. To assess that you’re “any different from the rest of them, and right now, it’s very disappointing to be grouped as such.” 

So. Any time you doubt if you’re unique, remember that your experience has been impossible for anyone else to fully comprehend. You can take that as a negative point against yourself, as we’ve been trained to do, but that’s an abuse narrative clobbering you back into a victimized mentality. YOU are not “wrong” for what others have done TO YOU. They are. 

And, in the aftermath… There’s no one else like you. No one else has seen what you have. No one else would deal with it the way you have. And, therefore, no one else could ever possibly be you. Only you can pull those past versions of self together, take all their nuggets of gold, and march forward based on what your guts call for. 

Literally, no one will do it the way you do. And, with no need for bullshit human concepts that are extrinsically motivated and absolutely fruitless, such as perception of worth… that makes you pretty fucking special. 

Ya one of a kind.

Get to know that self. 

Learn to feel it and feed it.  

And when you need a little help… call upon an “adaptive narcissist” to remind you of the scientific data validating all the ways you *should.* That’s me. 

Hail your self, Fucker. 

Seriously. Come check out these papers on the real relationships between self and subtypes of narcissism, if you’re also prone to shitting on yourself as the “right way to be,” and then wonder why you can’t stand back up to escape from the aftermath of your trauma, they’ll change you forever. 

And til then… Cheers, y’all.