Hey motherfuckers. Let’s jump into a topic that many of us feel, but probably few of us allow ourselves to put into words.

Filial obligation and caregiving anxiety.

Meaning, the servitude we often feel towards our family members – aging parents, in particular, but I maintain that filial obligation is a trained pattern that winds up getting applied to all sorts of relationships.

Let’s talk about the subsequent mental health challenges that we face under those caregiving circumstances, when not only are we taking on additional burden… but that burden most often comes with its own PTSD, which we feel obliged to attempt to smooth over for the other party… whether they acknowledge it themselves or not…

And meanwhile, the entire time, we get slammed with our own self-assesses anxiety. We start doubting that we’re capable of doing a good enough job, we’re filled with our own mixed emotions about it, and we’re unlikely to reach out for help from outside supporters… All of which creates this hypervigilant, isolative, and self-degrading feedback loop for us to contend with.

So we examined this through the research lens of having ailing parents. But my question is… does that sound like a lot of your relationships, outside the family unit, too?

Or is it just me?

Yeah.. yeah… it’s the mark of being a “fixer” or a “fawner” or “white knight” of other humans. Something that many of us learned early on, when we were commonly instructed to care for OUR caregivers – either explicitly or implicitly.

And, of course, there’s literature on that.

So this past week we covered an article on the effects of PTSD in parents, creating miniature support systems in us, as their child counterparts. We learned that we’re both highly attached to the parental figure and trying to “save” them, yet confusingly ambivalent about the relationship. Probably, because it follows those tricky cycles of abuse and always has.

Plus, in the archive of shows, we’ve already discussed a number of ways the literature says that we learn very early on to emotionally sync, predict, and soothe our parents when they have their own mental illnesses. Almost from day one. We even learn to avoid the things that they avoid, fear, or are triggered by, so we don’t trigger their PTSD… whether or not they recognize that PTSD themselves. We learn to walk on eggshells to keep them less reactive.

On top of alllll those relationship landmines, we know that we’re trained to be devoted to our parents through social behavioral learning. To take their burden on as our own. To try to endlessly protect them in this parenting role-reversal that’s really common amongst the CPTSD sufferers. It’s just easiest that way, to get through the years when you have no other choice but to deal with them.

You grow up, you get away from it (hopefully), and you probably don’t think much about the ways you were always weirdly worried about mom, dad, sibling, grandma, grandpa, whoever… may or may not be functioning alright for themselves.

And then… one day… they get sick, they get incapacitated by age or self-destruction, or they become generally unwell… and guess what? It’s time to step that old effort up ten notches, because now your caregiving obligations are REALLY being called upon. They’re in a shit place, and you are the next of kin. Or the next available of kin. Or the only responsible of kin.

And the rest of the planet? Probably also tells you that it’s “wrong” if you don’t drop everything to indenture yourself more than ever.

Leading to this truly unfortunate rock and a hard place position. The rock: your mental health. The hard place: your family and the rest of society’s judgments.

That’s when we fall into this filial obligation and anxiety trap. We can’t do what’s right for us – just like we couldn’t when we learned these behaviors as children. But we don’t feel like we can ever do ENOUGH of what’s right for THEM, either. Again, just like we probably realized when we were but young lads. Nongendered.

So we run the well dry, trying to hand out every drop of water we’ve got, and finding that we’re dying of dehydration all the while.

And then what?

And then our brains start to assess the situation as hopeless, helpless, and entrapping. And we get into a whole NEW set of troubles, when the negative self-appraisal, depression, and suicidality kick in. But I’m getting ahead of myself, that’s the research we’re going to be covering THIS week in the Blanket Fort. Spoilers.

Before we even get that far, the point is… as complex trauma folk, we’re probably all somewhat accustomed to this. Although it feels a bit “cloudy” and challenging to put into words. At least, I can FEEL it in my bones as a montage of old circumstances flows behind my eyeballs, even if I don’t have the best words or explicit memories to describe this lifelong family worry-and-serve pattern.

We’re all also, most likely, going to have to contend with this to a much higher degree at some point in our lives, as our parents age out and call us back home to fulfill our family obligations. And that’s going to be a huge PTSD retriggering obstacle for anyone listening to this show, one that I would assume drags us back through a lifetime of trauma that was shoved between a few “safe” happy memories of that person… suddenly bringing up a lot of questions about how deeply fucked things always were. So, we’re all really looking forward to that day, or still recovering from having recently gone through that hell, huh?

AND, I have to also, also, mention again… that this seems to be a lifelong relationship pattern many of us fall into with non-family members, as well.

Meaning, a lot of our close friendships and partnerships feel a whole lot like growing up did. And we don’t necessarily know why. Or why we’re so exhausted by them. Or feel so trapped. So obliged. So unable to help ENOUGH. And so down on ourselves for being “incapable” of fixing everyone else’s problems for them, even though we’re really trying to be the best support system / cheerleader ever.

Actually… we might often feel like we’re trying more to help our close social contacts MORE than they’re trying to help them damn selves.

And from there… family member or not… nothing good happens.

Resentment builds with the tension. Your tired-ass brain starts getting defensive and offensive, trying to protect itself from the – sorry if this is harsh – soul sucker or suckers you’ve gotten involved with. Your Self gets all re-fragmented into reactive, abused and abusive, dickish parts, when those are the only compartmentalized bits of neurons you’re accessing regularly each day. Maybe to the extent that your “best self” isn’t available OUTSIDE this relationship in question, either.

In essence, your life starts going down the drain with your brain, which has been, let’s say, “liberated” from all its own energy stores and self-direction through the process of thinking MORE about others than you can ever consider your self.

And at that point… well, 1) you’re probably in some sort of abusive relationship. I would guess it goes BOTH ways, as someone uses you for mental, emotional, and/or practical life regulation… and you start to react spitefully as a protective measure that you attempt to put into place because the lack of boundaries leaves you no other option. And 2) you’re going to have an inner critic uprising as that shithead – your freaked out, trying to survive in line with your prior self-concept, ego – assesses that things are not going swimmingly.

Actually, you’re both drowning. And yet, you can’t get this jaghole to get off your back and try kicking a few fucking times themself.

But you can’t SAY that. And if you DO try to communicate about it, you’re probably not met with lasting results from the conversation. So much as everything regresses back into the same old, same old, patterns that the relationship dynamic was created under… and now you’re actually even MADDER about all of it, seeing that your cry for help – please, take some of this caregiving obligation off my shoulders – was met with an utter refusal to develop better behaviors.

Sigh.

And then you still don’t leave, because – seriously – what would that mean about you? Don’t you OWE it to them, just like you owe your parents and anyone else who ever supposedly ‘cared’ for you?

PS – let’s be honest… what would you even do with yourself if you weren’t pouring endless attention into another person? Doesn’t this at least give you a sense of purpose, whether it’s resulting in positive changes for anyone or not?

AKA – wouldn’t we rather choose human escapism and opportunities to focus on chaos, rather than our own shit? Subconsciously, of course. Not like our egoic brain is going to raise its hand and holler that it subscribes to that form of real life avoidance.

And so, without the subconscious exploration of where these filial obligation and anxiety programs first came from… the pattern continues. Maybe even defining entire lifetimes, which have been guided by the prevailing principle of “take care of everyone but your self, it’s the right thing to do. Even when – or, maybe, because – it leaves you with no time, space, or energy to care for yourself.” Just like you were taught early on.

So that’s relationships on lifelong fawning and fixing patterns for you. And that’s the challenge we all face, as we get older and get called back into old situations built on perpetual obligations that never made anyone happy, or lead to sunnier outcomes, anyways.

Sound familiar?

Welp. If you find yourself in a similar boat… I call my relationship history the “whytanic”… come do a deeper exploration with us in the Blanket Fort. Find the link in the show notes. We’ll be expanding on this relationship, entrapment, and reactivity exploration for the next few weeks.

ALSO, come be a part of the new community initiative – sharing YOUR SHIT is coming back to the spotlight. I’ll give the topical callout, release my research episodes as usual, and then gather YOUR COMMUNITY RESPONSES to create collaborative shows where we share our individual experiences, insights, and ways to navigate AWAY from these patterns. Gather wisdom and support from each other’s past learning. AND, find new ways to connect for individual support through the power of being brave enough to get vulnerable…. By setting up email “penpals” through those shares. Hear a story that sounds a lot like yours? Hit up that community member with their provided email address. Find real connection instead of swallowing more s-words on your own.

So. Now that I have more brain power, having gotten out of a few obligations and anxiety traps, myself…That’s where things are headed these days in the evolving Motherfucking community. Back towards bumping up the community with freebies and facilitating friendships. And sharing more voices, so you never have to doubt that you’re “the only one.”

We can’t wait to see you there. And we – 300 something strong – community members want you to know… you’re not alone. You never have been. A group of folks who really “get it,” are here, just waiting to get acquainted with your real Self.

See you in the Fort, there’s always room as long as you’re not being a dick. Literally, the only community rule.

And Cheers, Motherfucker. See you soon.