This is the rough transcript of the podcast episode of the same name!

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Thanks y’all and Hail Yer Damn Self

MFJess

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Hey Fuckers!

I invited y’all to send in your emails for mailbag episodes… and that sack filled up faster than expected. So let’s work on bailing it out. Today we have another submission for you! It goes like this.

Dear Jess,

I have recently discovered that I have CPTSD and I am about to start therapy in 2 days. I started listening to your podcast, and while I find it incredibly helpful and illuminating on so many levels, it also triggers me enormously, to the point where I can only listen to some episodes in parts and when I am completely alone, and even then, they will often leave me seriously unhinged and unsteady, and it takes me a long time to get my bearings back.

I have recently discovered that I have CPTSD and I am about to start therapy in 2 days. I started listening to your podcast, and while I find it incredibly helpful and illuminating on so many levels, it also triggers me enormously, and it takes me a long time to get my bearings back.

I am afraid that starting therapy will have the same result. While I fully understand that this is a necessary path for me, I cannot afford to lose my functionality. I have three children, one of them still young, with autism, and who needs my full attention. I also have 2 jobs since I am a single mum, and the emotional wreckage that I’ve had over the last weeks has caused me problems with work.

I have seriously mixed feelings about my recovery process and I feel trapped between a rock and a hard place. How can I recover and be functional at the same time? Dissociation is a very effective and adaptive strategy in allowing people with CPTSD to protect their brains and sort of “function”, and I know that for me it has been a saving grace. I have very few memories of my childhood, and the ones I have include pretty drastic instances of abuse and neglect.

I am reaching out to you for help because I have enormous respect for you, as a CPTSD sufferer, coach, and scientist (I am a scientist by training too, and I really value and appreciate the enormous amount of research behind your podcast and the way you present this information). I know that you probably get 2376127645236 emails a day and don’t have time to respond to all, but your response to my partner on one of your mailbag episodes gave me hope. If you have the time to write back, it would help enormously.

Thank you very much for the help you provide to people like me.

Best,

MF

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Hey friend, thanks so much for writing in and sharing where you’re at in recovery and the all-too-normal regressions that tend to come along. I’m sorry to hear about everything you’re up against and I can feel the weight of it in my poorly bounded emotions. Also, let me reassure you that you’re not the only one who gets triggered to high-hell when they listen to the show. It has a tendency to rip the rug out from under your brain’s conscious awareness of things. Cuz, ya know, childhood trauma.

But onto the real point.

Your question is an excellent one. “How do I get into recovery therapy, which I KNOW is going to set my brain on an unstable path for a while as I sort all these neurons out… and stay outwardly functional at the same time?”

It’s something we all have to face, somehow. And ya might want to hit up the episode about the necessary resources for brain recovery from season two of this show for some validation in that regard. Plus a few others I’ll suggest, throughout.

BUT. Despite all that prior work on the subject… Sigh. Here’s the thing. I don’t have an answer for you that you will like. I sincerely, sincerely do not.

Because what you’re really asking isn’t “how do I stay functional?”

It’s “how do I keep up with these overburdening demands that have been inescapably placed onto me by the world (i.e. working two jobs and struggling to raise children on top of it because workplaces don’t support parents in that effort whatsoever), all of which, by nature, keep me trapped in a state of hypervigilant responsibility that doesn’t allow me to actually have emotions or deal with my lifetime of cognitive horrors?”

And that’s a very different picture to be viewing. Right?

Your life right now isn’t “functional.” Functional would mean you’re brushing your teeth and showering, you feed yourself, you move your body sometimes, you can have typical human interactions, and generally survive.

What you’re describing is a lot more than that. It’s over the top stressful and demanding, in a way that will not allow your brain to drop out of managerial programs, so you can access the pains that you’ve carried with you for a lifetime.

Cuz there’s not really another option, is there? You didn’t CHOOSE this. It’s just how things are. And based on your email, you’re not even lamenting that fact. It’s just a truth of your life. You work two jobs, you solely care for children, including one with special needs, and manage all the other adult pressures that go into breathing.

That’s extremely tiring. Requires the old PFC to be active all the time. And you’re the rock for everyone, without the option to delegate some thinking to another party when it’s not in the cards.

So let’s say, you’re likely going to have Manager problems.

Remember those pieces of us that force us into “high functioning” – whatever that means for us – to stay safe? I’d guess that you’ll be coming up against some opposition from those programs inside of you.

First of all, they might be reluctant to get started with therapy. There’s a good chance you won’t WANT to open up, for fear of exactly what you’re describing here. The Managers have done a good job of keeping everything locked up so you could keep performing so far, bet they’re not going to be super stoked to let go of control.

Next up, consider how they might over-do it in the aftermath of therapy. If you’re pinging these deep emotional pangs in the office – likely in Exile parts – you’re likely to experience a strong boomerang in the opposite direction when the pressures of life are back in your focus.

And when that happens, you face the obstacle of re-hiding your own emotions from yourself to keep up that over-functional, over-responsible face. Which will create some internal strife, to say the least. Having partially-activated emotional memories living alongside an instinct to reject those very things… ya know… sortof a scrambling experience.

So I would highly, highly, suggest you see a therapist who’s able to help you work with these parts and your emotional grounding.

Ideally, any good therapist will help you “come down” and “close the session” after they’ve been exploring deep traumas with you. They should assist you to get back in your body and bring your nervous system back down to earth.

But the question is, will the effort last? As soon as you walk out the door, later that night in the silence of being alone, and in between all your consciously directed thoughts… will you be having emotional uprisings, without someone to level them out?

It’s very possible and very trauma-normal if the answer is “yes.” We can have a great session, feel wonderful, and then have our recently-found parts start a bar brawl when we’re not paying attention.

So, a therapist who can work with your parts in session, to help smooth over the possible conflict before it happens on your own time, would be a big assist. Specifically, like I said, reasoning with the Managers to make sure they feel strong, appreciated, and safe while the subconscious wounds they normally protect are being revealed. And building up their confidence again before leaving the office, so they have a well-balanced perspective returning to the rest of your normal life.

Meaning, they need to be able to allow you to HAVE your feelings throughout the week. But also to have the self-assurance to “git shit done” when the times come, redirecting your attention from potential trauma ticklings to the many, many responsibilities on your plate.

You can help yourself with this effort, of course. Make sure you’re giving yourself credit for both your emotional AND physical work. Noticing your successes in keeping your family and work life together, and sealing in those achievements each day. But also patting yourself on the back for taking this leap into therapy, and all the results you’re seeing there.

Find time for activating and appreciating the Managers. AND do the same for your “inner kiddos.”

And don’t forget, the real goal is to be operating from your Self (capital S) to allow these switches in operation to take place. So you’re delegating energy to the parts that feel as if they need attention or control of the system when the time is right. And therefore you can flip between responsible mom mode and “working on my own shit” mode.

Hit up any of the episodes on the big S Self or the IFS episodes for more information on that whole song and dance.

It’s a really important skill to build up. Which probably requires some extra resources, like having extra time in your day to contact your own “beingness,” notice where your body is at, take stock of your feelings, and keep yourself centered, as you recontact that Self thing.

Sigh – and there’s the really big ask, besides “make sure you have the right therapist,” which is already a pretty enormous task. “Find time for yourSelf” so you can work with your parts and keep those Managers from shutting down all your work isn’t an easy point.

And that brings us back to your question of remaining “functional” versus what it sounds like you’re really living in – “over-responsibility that’s been imposed on you by the forces of modern society.”

Which, I am so, sincerely, sorry to say… I don’t know the fix for that. Other than, of course, overthrowing our fascist overlords and entering the age of Aquarius… which, I’m totally onboard for, just let me know where the rally is being held. OR moving to a commune with an anticapitalist trade structure, which I also strongly consider as my most likely future plan, on a daily basis.

So, actually, this was the basis of that episode I suggested earlier. The resources we need for trauma recovery from season two.

The whole point of that show is: in our failing modern world we CAN’T get what we need – which is simply time, space, and energy in order to deal with our own internal problems before we keep extending them outwards. And secondarily, I think that’s the point. I don’t think it’s an accident that society is set up this way. Mental health has become the new wealth.

And – as far as I know – there’s not really an internal tip or a trick that offsets the damage of living in that cage. You can’t just will yourself to feel okay based on what shift your manager scheduled. You can’t “think harder” when there’s no fuel left to power the machine.

But continuing to numb out all the ways that you definitely aren’t doing so great below the surface means that you continue to live in the shadow of those pains. Probably, accidentally, in a some ways, externalizing them onto others, as well. As you deal with the symptoms that pop up in god knows what ways.

So… as much as I’d love to say there’s an easy way to keep your brain running on two discrepant tracks at one time… I just can’t lie to you like that.

I can tell you to meditate or do grounding practices. Utilize boundaries with your relationships and work to open up room for your own needs. Be mindful and present. Get into your body. Start to feel your feels and release them before they suffocate you. Learn nervous system regulation skills. Do parts work, so you can ideally manage your cognitive system on-demand. Seek support so your trauma findings aren’t as lonely or immersive, or parental care isn’t only on your shoulders.

And so on and so on. All the advice we’ve probably heard before. And sure, it helps some folks.

BUT. Let’s be real. Those are people who most likely aren’t diving into decades of pervasive, untreated trauma. Doing yoga doesn’t suddenly fix that one.

AND all of those above suggestions require?

Time, space, and energy to build those practices and entities.

Flexibility in your life to figure out what works.

A pressure release to be able to ALLOW yourself to do any of it, when there’s always something else to be doing.

And all of that is exactly what it sounds like you’re lacking.

Which puts allllll us MFs in a real catch-22, unless we were born with trustfunds.

I can tell you, I was NOT. I struggle with this exact same problem, continually. It breaks my head, cyclically. And I don’t even have children to add to the pressure. Just a few thousand Motherfuckers who I play non-creepy uncle to.

So. If you want my only suggestion, really?

Don’t avoid therapy to keep running the rat race.

Find a way to get space from the rat race.

And let me pop in to acknowledge now, this suggestion might seem a bit “extreme.” I’m not sure if you require it, or if it makes sense in your life.

But I’d be remiss not to mention that our life structures are often in direct opposition to what we need to do for ourselves in trauma recovery. And there’s probably some Motherfucker out there who needs to hear this.

Sometimes changes have to happen externally, so you can do what you need to do, internally. Eventually your system will be in better working order without so much required concentration or emotional effort and life will feel like a breeze. But up until that point, I think the best way to help yourself is to have less demands… so you CAN help yourself.

Which, again, is a shitty answer to get. And one that will likely take time to put into place.

So, if you’re finding down the line that your therapy is creating long-lasting triggerings, you might want to consider making alterations to that framework you’ve been Managing yourself through. Give those parts a break. Let the Exiles get some time in the sun. And take some stress off your plate, so the work doesn’t seem so overwhelming or Self-abandoning.

If that’s something you eventually desire, let’s talk about some broad ways to do it.

First of all, I wonder if there’s any available help for parenting your kiddos? I’d imagine that’s a true effort in engaging your Manager parts to keep everyone safe and cared for. Do you have any support to take some pressure off? An extra hand in getting to and from their activities? A day or evening each week that you can have for yourself?

Next up, I have to point out that a lot of jobs don’t “jive” with trauma recovery very well. You mentioned being in research – and for me, that was a grating environment for my nerves. It also didn’t feel “purposeful” enough to be worth the effort I was putting into it, while depriving myself of care. Can’t speak for you, just mentioning it.

So if you find yourself overwrought at your multiple jobs and unfulfilled by the energy they demand from you, when you have a lot of energy that’s needed for your own internal work, you might consider making a work change for a while.

Find something you love doing. Maybe something that combines your trauma recovery efforts and your financial needs, into one. Something with a real purpose, that allows you to channel the inner work intentionally and cathartically.

That said, I wouldn’t suggest you’re surrounded by trauma as you do trauma work. Don’t go work for a crisis hotline if your system is potentially going to be on the verge of crisis, itself.

But, you know, working with animals would be a great option. You can have your feelings and do your job, too. It’ll probably make you BETTER at your job to be extra emotionally in-touch, actually. Or, working with plants and nature. Um… anything creative. These could all be better options.

If you’re worried about the left brain being overtaken by the right brain – brainstorm jobs that might be better aligned with the right brain, instead.

And remember, it doesn’t have to be forever. It just might be a better fit for a bit.

The other suggestion would be finding less mentally demanding work, whatever that means for you. If you can find a position that’s pretty low key – which is a big ask, I know – then you won’t have so much brain battle between Managers and Exiles when you start therapy. (Hit up the IFS episodes if that sentence didn’t make any sense.)

For instance, working data entry or analysis jobs that were repetitive keyboard clicks worked for me. Or an SEO article editing job I had for years and years. They require concentration, but not much from the executive functioning department. So I COULD have a hurricane of feelings going on, and perform my robotic autopilot tasks, too.

Another suggestion would be getting a job you’re highly proficient at that’s based on project completion, rather than time punching – another favorite move in my own world. If you can compress your “git shit done” time into a smaller window, you have more room for dealing with therapy-created emotional uprisings, which also allows you greater brain power when the time for work arrives.

Get in, get out, and get back to your healing work. It’s why I write for a living – get paid for effort and effect, not for selling away your life.

Whichever way you manage this, allowing yourself to HAVE feelings and iron out the mental wrinkles is the goal. And that shit… is exhausting. It takes time to regain your energy and normal levels of executive functioning.

So how can you rework your life – maybe temporarily – to make that possible?

That’s my best suggestion. Though I’m sure it is not the one any of us ever want to hear. But then again, none of us ever wanted to live in this societal setup that abolishes our ability to care for ourselves, either.

Hope this has at least made you think a little differently. The problem isn’t YOU. It’s the system around you. Being able to take care of your own brain shouldn’t be a luxury or something that we deem dangerous to our survival. Or our kids’ survival.

But… that’s where we’re at.

So how can you skirt away from that structure? And how can you be kind to yourself while you do it?

Um, I quit my abusive job, went back to school, and started this podcast for all of the aforementioned reasons. And let me tell you, it still comes with a loooot of problems, as far as staying over-the-top functional while doing all the CPTSD inner work. Which I hear echoed from a lot of other motherfuckers in different industries. Even if they like their job and love their kids, it’s still a battle to do inner work and outer work concurrently.

So I’d say it’s an ongoing process for all of us. Navigating life while also working towards brain improvement, and finetuning how we manage ourselves and our duties, little by little.

And, ya know, we’re here for you when you take the therapy leap, to figure it out together.

Hell, if anyone wants to jump on that train now, I’m happy to tell you and there have been shows on it before. Check the full series on the resources we need for recovery and the importance of managing your own time over in the private stream.

But let’s run down the major points again from today.

Be sure your therapist is skilled in helping you return to homeostasis after each session. Bringing your emotions back to a baseline level and “closing” the visit before senging you back onto the streets.

I’d also recommend they help you to mind your Managers. Negotiate with them so you CAN do the work, and also keep them feeling capable of running the rest of your life. But don’t exclude your Exiles, as much as possible, either. They’re going to be chatty as you dip into those old memories.

Concentrate on fostering that Self energy, so you can work with parts in between therapy sessions as you keep up with your day. And be sure you’re (somehow) finding time, space, and energy for yourSelf.

If that proves impossible, you might need to integrate your inner work with outer work. Make external changes that allow you to do that internal tinkering, or even promote the effort. Seek parental support. Get into a group, if needed, to find new connections and helping hands.

And consider how your jobs could be pushing your recovery goals to the back of the line, if that seems to be the case. At that point, you might want to make an alteration in the variety of work you do or the way you do it.

Hell, maybe your system actually desires a different career – something you’ll uncover as you keep doing parts work. Something that connects your inner values and outer work, to give you real purpose.

And, again, other than that… I’m sorry to say that I feel “living in our current world” works in direct opposition to “well functioning brains for US.” I feel the battle you’re facing. I think we all do.

I hope this depressing reminder of late-stage capitalism driving everyone to live immersively in slow-burning mental illness has helped, somehow. And again, sorry to everyone that there’s not a great answer besides escaping from the zoo. I’m ready to burn this place to the ground when you are.

Thanks for your share and question, Fucker!

Hail yer Self (all of us)

Hail… not putting the pressure of society on your own brain. If you’re not finding the time for “flourishing” in this situation, it’s not about YOU. It’s about this cage we’re all trapped in.

Oh, there’s another couple of episodes to check out. “Rat Wars” in the private stream, too. I have a lot of thoughts on modern cultural trauma.

And hail Archie!

Cheers y’all. Thanks for writing. And I’ll talk to you soon.