You did it! Welcome to the last episode of the public platform miniseries!

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Cheers Fuckers, and thanks for learning with me.

Jess

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Super, so now you know a bit about this “trauma experience” from the outside-in and inside-out. Things might be making some sense. You might at least feel like you’re clearly not very alone in this, considering some stranger had some surprisingly on-par words to describe the death march known as your life so far. That’s relieving, in and of itself… But, also, Now What?

Where do we go from here? How do people get out of this?

Let’s pull together the logical flow for moving your recovery forward. What do you say?

Everyone’s experience will be a bit different – not everything will work for you, and you’ll find new ideas that go ham on your trauma brain. It’s all about experimentation. And I’m not just saying that as a retired scientist who frames everything that way.

Here are the useful steps, as I see them:

• Community – you aren’t suffering alone
• Therapy – you aren’t unhelpable
• Education – you aren’t crazy
• Nature – you aren’t defined by humans
• Community again – you aren’t recovering alone
• Energy tracking – you aren’t unpredictable
• Routines – you aren’t helpless
• Exploration – you aren’t stuck
• Alone time – you aren’t reliant on others
• Making changes – you aren’t defined by the past

Community – you aren’t suffering alone

The first thing that most people seem to need is a bit of validation. After years of feeling like no one else can “get it,” like you’re individually fucked and alone in this rainy asshole parade, most of us need to find out that we’ve actually been surrounded by other trauma-trumpet players the whole time. We just haven’t been talking about it.

So, this is where I think it’s really helpful to jump into a community of some sort. Even if it’s looking at trauma-porn on Reddit and never saying a word, there’s some appeal to reading that your struggles are shared struggles. Your brain wants to feel that connection – the mirroring of similar neurons firing at the same time – to know its not out here all alone.

And as much as this can be helpful, it can also be dangerous. You want to be wary of falling into a trauma-identifying hole. As in, overidentifying with these new friends you’re making or your shared narratives and starting to live out of your trauma. Making it too big a part of you.

This can establish or enable something we call a Trauma Self, which is when we’re aware of the wrongs that have been committed in our lifetimes, angry, and unable to stop filtering everything through “its not fair” lenses. Look – we get it – your early life wasn’t fair, but you don’t want to keep empowering those events by making them a part of your life today.

There’s a stage where anger and lamentation is useful, and then there’s a time to see your trauma as the past and move forward from it with middle fingers raised high.

But, community is still very necessary at this early stage. Why? It convinces you that you aren’t the only one, so you aren’t on your own in this hellscape anymore. And, if you’re talking to the right people, it confirms that there are ways to change your brain – this doesn’t have to be life.

Therapy – you aren’t unhelpable

We already did a whole episode on therapy, but we’ll touch on it again. I know therapy can suck, practitioners can suck, the limitations of traditional therapies can suck, the cost of the whole ordeal can suck. The whole thing is an obstacle looking forward, but it’ll be your foundation looking backward.

Therapy with a trauma-specialized practitioner; it’s necessary as far as I’m concerned.

This is where you can learn your grounding techniques. You can be personally guided through rough times. You can receive help going back in time to reprocess some of the most dangerous events. And you can get validation of all the things in your life that didn’t seem quite right… being extremely unhealthy on an interpersonal basis. You’ll become aware of past toxicities that no one in your circle was emotionally intelligent enough to realize at the time, or this current time, if nothing else.

I’ll never forget my therapist telling me “your family was abusive, your workplace is abusive, your boyfriend is abusive, and it all feels normal to you because you don’t know any differently.”

Nothing to pity yourself about – just an eye opening moment to realize my perceptions of normal were skewed from the start, and my life could probably feel a lot less burdensome if I was able to navigate away from those patterns.

Get a good trauma therapist. Go the psychiatric route if needed.

If you need financial assistance, check out Open Path. It’s a collection of therapists who agree to heftily reduced sliding scale prices for folks without insurance. You pay a one time $50 fee and negotiate your session price directly with the practitioner. I started using Open Path years ago when I was absolutely financially destroyed, and managed to see my trauma therapist for $30 a session when we started together.

So, there goes any excuse that therapy is too expensive. Reframe how you see therapy in your head, Fucker. It’s more than an investment, it’s a medical treatment you’ve needed for years.

Education – you aren’t crazy

So, being among other trauma-experiencers and in therapy will help a lot in convincing you that you aren’t nuts. That’s helpful. But what was even more helpful for a lot of us was finding the periodicals and media that solidify our experiences as valid.

Obviously, you can stick around here, if you trust what I’m saying. There’s a backlogged year and a half of weekly trauma education available through t-mfrs.com or the patreon account at traumatized motherfuckers.

But, this resource aside, there are two books that you HAVE to get in your library, if you want this insta-relief. I’m only going to say them once, and then you’ll have to google your way to the answer. These are the trauma bibles, don’t worry, you’ll find them discussed everywhere.

Check out The Body Keeps the Score and From Surviving to Thriving. Get them both. And get amazed – especially those of us with mysterious health problems and pains – by what’s already been published about your lifetime experience. You didn’t even know you had an autobiography.

Now, for this task, I recommend audiobook, because I think we have better sensory processing ability a lot of the time. Also because I think you really need a companion to getting outside and moving your ass on a regular basis. Plus, connecting the stimulation in your ear with stimulation from your eyeballs and nose will help everything stick, and moving your feet as you listen will help you process information.

So there you go. Get into podcasts and audiobooks, and go for a fucking hike.

This wasn’t going to be a point on the list, buttfuckit…

Nature – you aren’t defined by “human”

You know what really screws us?

1) Senescence. Your body isn’t meant to sit perfectly still indoors all day. On an evolutionary level, it’s just not going to function the way it was designed if you aren’t using it the way it was designed. Pretty fucking obvious.

2) wrongly believing that this human world we live in is the only thing that matters or defines us. When you have relational trauma, it’s probably not the best idea to perpetually trigger yourself by being immersed in humans and human society.

You’ll feel like garbage all the time, trying to judge yourself through the ways others are judging you. You’ll be perpetually on edge, worrying about performing at the drop of a hat. You’ll inevitably be comparing yourself to others, trying to fit into the “I’m normal, don’t exile me” mold. And the whole thing really drives up your stress responses, if not your survival system, in a way that overtakes your brain and emotional control and makes it impossible not to feel like shit.

So, don’t do that. Detach from it once in a while. Turn off your motherfucking phone and pay attention to something else. Get outside the human bubble, and see how much more peaceful it is on the other side.

So go outside. Start making it a daily activity. Do it first thing in the morning, so you don’t procrastinate, get too anxious to function, and then shame yourself into stagnancy.

And I mean OUT – SIDE. Get into the most naturey, woodsy, secluded place you can. And BE THERE. No photos. No instagram. No texting with your shitty friends or family.

Get away from the mental triggers, get some time for your Self, and remember that our human world is a completely fake ecosystem built on oppressing each other with mental violence and threats of insecurity. Trees won’t do that. Squirrels won’t take advantage of you. You don’t need to fear the wrath of moss.

Turn off those social fear and failure neural networks, and you can start to do work on them. Scoff now, thank me later.

Community again – you aren’t recovering alone

So here’s the thing. You need community in the beginning to confirm that you’re not totally busted. You need community again in the middle to keep on a steady path of progressing forward.

The trauma recovery process isn’t going to be linear. You won’t always be headed in the right direction. You’ll have times that your brain accidentally opens an unwanted program and you backslide for a bit.

And in those times, what you really want is a friend or five who will give you a safe, secure place to regroup, reframe things, and try again – preferably, with their support and care, from a safely bounded distance.

You want someone to tell you, “yeah, what just happened totally sucks, but you’ve got this and let’s keep trying. Here are the things that have worked for me.” And then backs right off, leaves you the autonomous space to do your work, and remains in the wings, available in case of disaster.

You won’t need them for said disaster, but you will need to know that they’re there.

As folks who’ve never had stable, trusted support in our lives… or acceptance… or unconditional love… these are major points in recovery. Your brain needs to be soothed by the realization of some social safety. Even if it’s just one person.

Here’s the thing – again, you don’t want to be trauma-bonded to someone. This isn’t about codependency or being up each other’s buttholes in an enabling way that actually mutually disables you. You need healthy community, with folks who aren’t looking to distract or numb themselves via social interactions… or to repeat trauma trainings by starting a controlling and emotionally draining pattern.

And that means, you might not want to rely on anyone who’s already in your life. Remember, we connect with people who have similar brains to us. If you haven’t been in a good place while you’ve been friends with so and so… there’s a pretty good chance that so and so also isn’t in a healthy place. Who you’re with WILL determine how you see things and what you’re capable of, so… you might want new companions, unfortunately.

CAN all of this be hard to find? Yes.

IS it hard to make new friends? Yeah.

DO we hate trusting people? Mhmm.

So, no pressure, but that’s why I started this TMFR community. I talk about it at the end of every show, go find it if you’re interested. That’s all I’ll say about it – it’s an option if you don’t know where else to start.

Energy watching – you aren’t unpredictable

Alright, this one is, admittedly, “my thing.”

You know what’s hard to pinpoint? Your shitty thoughts. You know what’s easier to notice? Your shitty emotions and behaviors.

Thoughts happen very quickly, emotions linger for much longer. So, if you can manage to de-numb yourself and reconnect with your body, you can notice a lot of things happening and deduce what they mean about your brain happenings, too. This can help you determine what is and isn’t working for you in life, via what’s happening in your brain. And vice versa.

But, after years of dissociating, we have to be trained to start to notice.

So, what I recommend is setting a timer and making note of your energetic state every few hours. Anxiety is high energy, depression is low energy, and all the annoyed/irritated points fall in between. Do this for a few days. Chart it out. Graph it out. And then start to identify why the fuck you’re so upset at 3pm every day. What happened beforehand? What were you predicting would happen afterwards? What was the trigger, what was your response, and how necessary is all of this? Does it happen every day? Was the event a non-issue in the end? Did you benefit from getting all riled in any way? And what’s the buried trigger in your brain – maybe it’s even a thought pathway you activated your self – that created this cascade?

Watch your inner energy, watch your outer behaviors, and start to understand what really makes you tick. It’ll show you what needs to be ironed out, of your cognitive patterns and maybe of your life.

Routines – you aren’t helpless

And with this information, you create routines. What makes you feel better? Calmer? More centered? More emotionally-up-to-speed? More mentally in-control? What’s taking care of your brain? Your body? What do you want to prioritize each day? What activities are “safe” no matter what the circumstances are? What activities are absolutely no-fly zones, even though you routinely engage in them at this particular moment?

Give your life a critical examination. What’s working and what isn’t?

And then build your routines.

We TMFRs love routines, because they keep us from falling into stagnant, depressed, demotivated times that become major shame marks on our evaluations of self. A lot of us FEAR the “dark times” when we couldn’t get out of bed or forgot we really existed for a few months.

So, we form routines that keep us chugging along on autopilot when we’re still shaky on keeping our mental tug boats afloat. Also, to start correcting our physical health which has likely been failing for a few anxious years.

Having routines helps to finally integrate some of those behaviors you’ve been meaning to institute for your own good, but never find the time for. I’ve gotta tell you, a lot of our physical symptoms of trauma just need to be managed daily, in order to get that pressure off our plate.

So. Plan it out. Arrange your life. Take control of your time and movement on this planet. You have every right and every ability to lead one of those fancy “well balanced, self-caring” lives. But it’s going to take a little time to get into the swing of things.

Decide what you want to do first, and move from there. Arrange the wants around the needs, and try to optimize your time instead of letting it accidentally slip away each day.

Just make sure that whatever routines you establish – yes, give you a sense of control and order in your life – but, no, don’t become rigid, unquestionable, laws that you abide by. Don’t make a prison out of your routine. Don’t get all avoidant and refuse to have other experiences. Don’t develop a trauma-bubble.

Exploration – you aren’t stuck

Piggybacking off the last point, it’s important that you challenge yourself by going places and doing new things.

Trauma becomes a trap when we let our brain’s use past data to predict future events, get panicky about what a nightmare that makes life, and start to shut down all novel experiences because we disastrophize everything around every turn.

We also tend to feel very “stuck” in our circumstances when we’re having contradictory “I want to evolve” feelings that get backhanded by “but I’m afraid to try, because I’m doomed to fail” cognitions. We wind up feeling a lot like caged animals – restless, ornery, and eventually extremely depressed.

I call these “holding patterns” where half of you says “go” and some “responsible part” tells you that you’re not allowed to. So, you just wind up… waiting.

For what? We usually don’t know. We’re just waiting for something to happen that will convince us we’re no longer required to hold ourselves back. Like we need permission or a savior to come pull us out of our own circumstances we’re creating on a loop every day.

You don’t.

So, prove that to yourself. Go outside. Go somewhere new. Go on a road trip. Just get out of your normal digs, and see how differently your brain will work when it isn’t being stimulated by the same sensory triggers on a continuum. And, uh, earn your self a bit of esteem while you’re doing it.

Alone time – you aren’t reliant on others

Alright, so jumping on this piggybacking creature of the last two points, comes this one. When you’re exploring your world and expanding your life, like we just discussed… you better do it alone.

This is an important point that most of us will try to worm out of. We love to have companions when we do new things, because we don’t trust our selves and we consider us to be inherently lesser than everyone else to some unconscious degree. So, we feel safer if we just have someone else by our side.

No more. That’s a codependent crutch that keeps you underestimating your self and living in unhealthy, possibly trauma-trained, patterns. This is especially true if you were a “little helper” to mom or dad, or, later on, to your significant others or best friends.

You don’t need anyone telling you what to do. You need to trust that you can do that yourself. And trust that you’ll figure out whatever challenges come your way. Trust that you are allowed to take up space just as much as every other breathing thing on this rock. Trust that this is the point of life – getting out, making decisions, experiencing things – and doing it because you want to, you’re allowed to, and you’re capable to.

Independence is a big point in trauma recovery. And, I say this largely because it’ll reconnect you with your self. Remember that energy we talked about that lives in your guts, and monitors the whole human show from there? You’ll empower the fuck out of that observing energy – your continous Self – when you experience novelty in life and act on your own behalf. You don’t need a companion by your side, you’ll start to realize that you’re never alone because you always have your Self. Just you watch.

If you’re worried about the looming judgement of everyone, should you dare to do anything you actually want to do… well, we all are. But at the end of your life, I don’t think you’ll care much about what these fools you’re so preoccupied with actually thought. You won’t pat yourself on the back for “not being judged as much as was assumed possible by so and so.” You WILL pat yourself on the back for going out there and actually trying to make the best of this physical experience, as you wanted it to be.

And when all else fails, just remember – do what you like and they’ll like what you do when you do it, and if they don’t that’s fine, fuck em.

That’s Days N Daze. Listen to them, they’ll also tell you to go outside and finally live.

Making changes – you aren’t defined by the past

And, lastly, from all of this recovery lead-up… You’re going to want to make some big alterations in life at some point.

I’m pretty sure, one of the final stages of this CPTSD thing is to shed your old skin and start anew. When you look around and realize exactly how much of your life has been defined by your shitty past, even if it was because of the narratives in your head holding you back or subtle social pressures terrorizing you, rather than someone directly controlling or oppressing you… suddenly you’ll want to get rid of all of it and start again.

It’s the same thing as when we get sad and cut off all our hair. We need to draw a line between “old me” and “new me,” for starters. We also don’t want to be constantly reminded of bad times. And, lastly, we want to feel like there’s a purpose or a learned lesson from what we’ve been through.

So, it’s common for us to suddenly make big leaps, in support of our selves, after reaching a certain point in brain recovery. And that’s when your progress will exponentially increase all of a sudden.

When you make a plan, make a decision, and act in your own interest… and then see that everything is working out. Oh man, that’s a change of pace.

To see that things can be challenging and uncertain and rough at times… and you can still figure it out and be okay will blow your mind.

And realizing that you can do it all independent of the help, support, or even knowledge of your closest companions… will prove to you that you’ve been strong, smart, able-brained and bodied this whole time. Or, at least you are NOW that you got the answers you needed to just understand your head a bit better.

One change will lead to the next. One day you’ll look around and your whole life will be different. You’ll probably laugh and cry, all at once – a skill I didn’t know I had before. And you’ll feel everything just click into place. Your head will never be the same, you’ll never appraise yourself the same, and you’ll never hold your self back in fear, dread, and preemptive defeat again.

Because it’ll finally hit you. You’ve been able to do this all along. No matter what your brain has always believed. And all you needed was some butthole to tell you it was possible. And that, maybe started, with finding some peace in the knowledge that you’re not alone. You’re not individually fucked. You’re not the only one figuring this all out, trudging through shame and high wallow. And despite everything you’ve been through already, you’re not a victim. You’re not helpless. You’re not trapped with this brain, body, or life. You’ve now proven it, to the only person that really matters. Your Self.

And on that day, I sincerely hope that you smile, laugh for a second, and utter the phrase, “… Motherfucker.”

Just be sure to then turn around and reach a hand back for anyone who hasn’t reached the same peak yet. Don’t leave anyone in the pits. Let them know, they aren’t on their own, no matter how fucking isolated, self-destructive, and weird they’re being right now. Nothing lasts forever, and we can make change happen on our own. First, for our selves. And then for everyone else who needs to hear it.

You guys know where you can get started on your recovery. We do this community education and healing thing, over at t-mfrs.com and patreon.com. Find your safe, stable, boundary-minded support network. Find more information on changing your stupid fucking brain, which will lead to changing your entire motherfucking life. And let’s stop this generational slap known as CPTSD, starting with us and continuing through supporting others.

The final point of recovery that I sometimes glaze over?

Feeling like you have a purpose. That there’s a reason. There’s a point to why you’re here and you’re you. This is shown to benefit long-term trauma recovery, because it empowers our Self to take the wheel when our brain doesn’t have the energy to do the right thing. Forget your routines built on avoidance, consider how much better you could be spending your time for an ultimate reason, even if that’s just being a good example for people in your life who need something else to believe in.

It’s what I’m doing here, podcasting on my afternoon off from working 3 jobs and attending a masters program. My life has completely changed, several times over, since starting trauma therapy. Things might not always be easy, but they’re sure as shit better now, knowing there are reasons why my brain works (and doesn’t work) this way. And seeing that there seems to be something good about sharing the success and the struggle. I’ve learned, through a lot of stumbles and falls, that I’ll always figure it out. And that can help others do the same.

Let’s change the trauma narrative. One voice at a time. Including, yours.

You got this, Fucker.

Hail your Self.

Hail Archie.

And if you haven’t been enough of a reason for your trauma recovery to be a priority, maybe realizing how many people are waiting to see you rise from our shared dumpster fire ashes, is.

Share your story. Record your tale and send it to traumatizedmotherfxckers@gmail.com anytime.

Cheers y’all.