This is the transcript version of the public episode!

Sharing a post written for another platform this time around, hope ya enjoy.

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Cheers MFs!
Jess

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Accepting parts you hate

“Let’s say” you have a lingering sense of being “wrong.” You work with extreme focus and concern to be the best you possible. You find self-loathing to be a part of your routine, but might not understand why. For an unknown reason, perhaps, it feels like you’re never good enough.

Others don’t get it. They don’t know why you’re so stressed, so hard on yourself, so fragile to criticism from the outside… or seemingly afflicted by unfair judgements catalyzed from the inside. Which is fair, because you, yourself, aren’t able to pinpoint where these negative assessments come from or why they seem so crushing, either.

But it’s clear that they’re holding you back. Limiting who you can be. What chances you take. How expressive you are. How free you feel in conducting your own life. Your ability to “be you” to the most cumulative degree.

And wouldn’t it be great if we could all get to the bottom of that inherent self-condemnation?

Welp, that’s what we’re here to chat about today.

So how do I say, this month in the private community we wound up talking about IFS again. Unexpectedly. Sounded like the MFs had some hangups around things such as, say, the stupid fucking language around the framework. So, based on what I was hearing, I put out some extra information on other ways to think about IFS and some techniques for getting started.

So that begged the question – what the hell do we talk about here, on the public stream?

Welp, seemed like as good a time as ever to talk about Self-acceptance, forgiveness, and embodiment; the ultimate goal of using IFS, in my eyes.

Let’s be honest, with CPTSD backgrounds we don’t really “adore” ourselves. If we do, it’s in a shaky, conflated, egoic way that’s going to bite us and others in the ass. A sortof false love for ourselves that’s been developed adaptively, by being who we think we’re supposed to be, where we focus on overcompensatory “acceptable” pieces of us and inflate them to high hell.

Often, they’re Narc parts of our brains. The dark side of the CPTSD spectrum. Let’s just go ahead and say it.

While, of course, we’re also ignoring the aspects of us that we aren’t so proud of. That we refuse to look at. That keep festering under the surface, driving us towards psychopathologies, personality disorders, and ongoing relational challenges.

So that’s where IFS comes in, to help us get into those willfully ignored bits. And re-balance those over-inflated ones.

IFS is based on the idea that we all have multiple identities… and many of those identities we don’t have fuzzy feelings for. Each was built to help us adaptively get through some situation, but we’re not pleased with who we became.

On the other hand, we have parts of ourselves that we herald as “correct,” “acceptable,” and “us.” We rely on these identities, thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to a large extent, and they take over our brains to become our dominant, most easily identifiable versions of our personalities. We protect them like gold. Because they perceivably protect us from the world.

So inherent in this concept is the fact that we have “good” and “bad” parts, as we’ve labeled them… or others have done it for us. And that means we can’t really “accept ourselves” until we get to the bottom of all of them. Even the parts that we fucking hate.

And oh, Fucker, there can be many of them. Extreme circumstances? Extreme adaptations. Ones we don’t feel good about in hindsight. Like, the “relationship rager,” the “ruthless survivor,” and the “freaked out fawner.” Not our finest hours, not parts we want to identify with or re-enact.

But what’s helpful to note when moving towards self-acceptance is… your “good” and “bad” parts aren’t so dissimilar, actually. They’re often opposites of each other in their characteristics, sure. So they SEEM completely different.

But in reality, they were usually developed to compensate for one another. Making them two sides of a sliding scale, each positioned at the extreme ends. Deeply related, despite their differences. Deeply related BY their differences.

You know how that goes in your FOO, right? Cut from the same cloth, but the final outcomes are difficult to comprehend as being related. People go in opposite directions, trying to be unlike each other. But the final outcome is they’re all echoes of the same traumas, just split into different adaptive strategies trying to overcome them.

Different roles, created for the same purpose. To survive. And to “offset” whatever judgments have been put into place about OTHER people’s roles for a better chance at it.

Ya know, my brothers became low-achieving addicts to deal with trauma – I saw how much trouble that got them into, and went the opposite direction; accomplish everything. The proactive plans for staying alive are the opposite, but the underlying pains are the same. Annnnd I took my over-achiever strategy too far, trying to be completely different from them. Overcompensating. Creating other problems for myself. But never erasing the shared family trauma that lies below the surface or the judgments of self.

Well, we do the same thing in our own brains.

For instance, if you have an exiled part that feels emotional, helpless and incapable… well, that part became exiled because you decided it wasn’t the “correct” mode of action. And this probably occurred at the expense of your brain developing ANOTHER program of the exact opposite nature. One that’s a ruthless accomplisher with limited emotional capacity and an extreme focus on self-sufficiency. “Proving your worth and capability” every day becomes the focus of your life, while you hide away that “weaker” part that you’ve judged negatively.

How could these antithetical parts of us be related? Well the pains and negative perceptions of one part spawned the development of another. So the original problem is never dealt with, it’s just overwritten by another program. AKA – a new problem.

The real issue being, if that victimy, “weak,” unwanted Exile part gets activated… you’re going to confusingly flip back into that mindset. Which is a jarring experience – switching between diehard and confident “go-getter” and exhausted, demotivated, fearful “no-getter.”

And one that you’ll likely scorn yourself for. Being unable to accept the unwanted programming and trying to oppress it. Realizing it’s still in there and doing your damndest not to touch it.

This, of course, means you’re never accepting your full self. Your full set of brain cells. And you’re never healing that helpless part or its core wound – the “burden” that it carries, in IFS terms.

Instead, that part will live on inside of you, throwing you for a loop from time to time, and creating fear “slash” shame of self that you try to avoid at all costs. The thing you’re really loathing, buried deep below the surface of who you assess yourself to be.

This is further complicated because we tend to focus on these “self-like” parts of us – or, the ones that seem the closest to who we’re comfortable being. The closest thing we have to “accepted identities.” We commonly insist these are the ONLY parts of us, especially when they’ve been producing reasonably good results for some amount of time.

“WE don’t have multiple personalities or parts – just this one that we’ve been counting on and strengthening for a while now.” We state, when we’re being blinded by self-like parts.

But that’s missing the real story.

Our brains are SYSTEMS. They’re comprised of many parts. Those parts each have a function – an instance in which they’re the best strategy for us to survive. And those parts work to balance each other out. For instance, the helpless part and the extremely capable part – two extremes that, if combined, neutralize each other. You can be high functioning for years, but it only takes a few months of accomplishing nothing to wipe out all that progress. Think most of us have seen that before.

So, our parts tend to overpower and repress one another in a cyclical fashion. Keeping us stagnant. Keeping us from accomplishing our long-term goals. Also keeping us from being able to recognize or embody our “full selves,” since our parts are consistently judging and obfuscating one another.

If we can recognize that all our parts have a role, and when functioning together, they create a well-integrated, flexible, adaptable, working system… then we can have a little goddamn respect for each of our identities and survival strategies. We can stop hating pieces of ourselves.

And we can actually build that “genuine self-esteem” thing none of us seem to hold, as we accept our brains and learn to work with them. Healing the wounds of each part, so they don’t have to be secretly scorned or feared. They don’t have to be the “untouchables” inside our brains. They can just do their damn job. But, do it BETTER, in a way that actually serves us overall, rather than getting “stuck” in polarized modes of existing.

Cuz here’s the thing. We hate that “weak,” “just give up on life” part from our past, for instance. But sometimes it IS the smart mode of action to kick it into high gear. And sometimes it IS the wiser option to sit back, wait for some time to pass, and recalculate our next move.

We DON’T always have the power to change our circumstances, and trying to overcontrol things leads to exhaustion, frustration, burnout, feelings of entrapment, and negative-self assessment. So that helpless part has never been “wrong” to lie over and play dead, necessarily. It had a point in assuming that strategy. It’s just been labeled as “incorrect,” when we were under pressure and felt scrutinized for being unable to manage our overwhelm and conquer the world on demand.

Know what I’m saying?

There’s a time and a place for a lot of different behavioral approaches. And if we could stop shitting on them, calling them “bad” or “unallowable,” maybe we could UTILIZE them healthily, instead of shutting them down or getting trapped in them.

So. Accept the wisdom of the part – it’s here based on your prior experience and the ways you had to adapt in those circumstances. Understand where it came from – what events lead to this cognitive adaptation. And give it some credit – noticing the times that this programmed strategy was the best option, potentially out of a real shit hand of cards you were dealt.

Recognize the parts of you. The good and bad ones. The villains and the victims in your system. The saviors, too. Then decide how realistic those judgments are.

Try to comprehend the origins of the parts. Note the strengths of the parts. And the weaknesses of the parts. Dig into the relationships between the parts – how they developed to compensate for one another, and maybe that got a biiiit excessive. Then forgive the parts.

Forgive yourself. Understand yourself. Accept yourself.

Once your brain isn’t considering all the ways it, itself, is unacceptable, you’re no longer running from your mental conditioning with distractions and repeating patterns in life. You’re not failingly hiding fragmented identities from your self-concept. You’re not seeking their validation through unhealthy, potentially abusive, means. Instead, you’re able to see the full breadth of your adaptations, accept them, and build some self-esteem.

No longer scared of “what lies below.” No longer overcompensating for it with rigid Manager parts that block out your full personality and keep other Exiled parts trapped in time, living perpetually with their raw and gaping wounds.

And this is what I think we’re all here for.

To stop villainizing past memories of ourselves and current day behaviors we’re not proud of. To stop over-relying on hardened, shut down, socially programmed, bastardized versions of us that we declare “our real personalities.” And to stop carrying unseen injuries that halt our progress and suck us backwards in time to those scary, shameful, hated memories they’re associated with.

Self-recognition. Self-acceptance. Self-healing. And self-realization.

THAT is healing your trauma brain. And healing your life.

So. Stop fearing your own internal system, Motherfuckers. Investigate it. Notice the polar opposite parts of yourself. Investigate where they come from. Understand them. Give them a little credit – they’ve each helped you in some way, or they wouldn’t exist. And try to find the gray tones between the extreme, black and white, versions of you.

THAT is the real relief of IFS. Besides, you know, having a head that’s not beating the shit out of itself on a daily basis as it tosses you between extreme behaviors, thoughts, and feelings.

Heal your brain – ALL of it – not ONLY the parts you’re most comfortable with. Using the IFS framework to label your parts as Managers, Exiles, and Distractors to understand the relationships between them and how they formed in response to one another. Work with the parts, understand why they’re butthurt, and integrate them as uncondemned parts of your brain. Integrating them, so those parts can become functional units of your mental system. Allowing you to find flexibility, cognitive control, self-esteem, self-acceptance (small s) and Self embodiment (big S) on the other side.

And that’s a wrap on unexpected IFS month number 2.

If you’re interested in hearing more discussion on these tools – alternative labels for parts, methods for understanding your brain as a “system” of identities, and the ways to git in there and git started working with it…. Ya know the deal. Streaming long, researchy versions of these conversations in great depth over on the private podcast stream, discussing them in the closed-door support community, and sharing real-life application recordings from all of YOU monthly. Along with bonus exercise episodes, topical workbooks, and summary videos, if you’re up for making big changes. Find the whole shebang at patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers.

And hey, my shameful “don’t ask for help” parts feel uncomfortable asking, but if you just want to help keep me alive, so this Self can keep churning out actual recovery information for the Motherfucking masses… your patronage is both appreciated and crucial. Shares, subscriptions, and 5-star ratings keep this 100% non-advertised DIY project possible.

And til we meet here next time…

Hail your Self. Big and small S’s.

Hail your brain, in all the interrelated but oppositional ways it’s been keeping you breathing. Even when you’ve fucking hated it.

Hail Archie.

And cheers, y’all.