Let’s talk about filial obligation. Again. 

Why? Because it’s coming for all of us and it’s surrounded most of us, all along. One day the family will likely need help due to age or other issues. And at every age, you’ve likely gotten the impression that you were obligatorily serving them, long before mobility chairs were entering the picture. Or maybe not. Maybe they’ve always been scootin around in Freedom Chairs, flying their flags high over the grand canyon. “Merica.

Family responsibilities and duties come calling in these lifetimes, leaving us with a big debate to untangle within ourselves and often amongst other family members. Who are also usually problematic, based on their proximity to the family system. 

Then. We get to have the discussion within ourselves, between our parts and all the opposing narratives in our own brains – as well as with the people around us who have their own steadfast opinions and rules of engagement around participation – about what the “right” thing to do is. 

1. Take care of ourselves the way we know we would benefit most. Stay away from these people. Contribute what we can financially or otherwise, but keep our distance so our heads don’t get sucked down the family gutter for an unknown period of time.
2. Take care of the person who needs it, because it’s the “correct” thing to do. Get ourselves directly involved in a hands-on manner, however it’s required, because who else is going to do the job?

Meaning, we’re really deciding between:

1. Nonstop guilt and shame, imparted from the people around us and from ourselves, onto us. Severely damaged relationships and sense of alienation as a result. Which might last for years or the rest of our lives. 
2. Mental and physical destruction as we effortfully give more than we truly can, fall into anxiety, depression, fear of incapacity, sense of entrapment, and potentially suicidality waiting for the obligation to end. Which, spoilers, also creates guilt and shame, recognizing that we’re sortofffff begging for someone to get better or die already so we can be free again.

And as you might imagine, these are difficult decisions to come to. They certainly don’t feel like any “winning” options, no matter how we try to make the best choice for everyone. 

So I decided to ask… What’s up with that? What ARE all the narratives jangling around in our brains that complicate the decision so enormously… we tend to end up sacrificing our brains, bodies, and lives rather than doing what we know is best for us?

Here enter 6 distinct philosophies on Filial Obligation that I believe are polluting most of our executive decision making centers, by way of subconscious absorption and later tainting of our thought processes. 

For this task, I found a paper on the philosophies of filial morality that we deeply discussed over in the exclusive stream (patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers). 

Though the paper was slanted at convincing us that Confucian views may have some healing merits to them that Western arguments don’t offer, we approached the article looking for unconscious beliefs we might be carrying and also searching for some gold nuggets of wisdom among the abuse-normalizing turds. 

And what did those arguments say?

Well, the Confucian perspective is a bit harsh for the children, as we probably all know. 

Children should support their parents, separately; revere, honor, and obey their parents’ every word, give them bountiful offspring so the family blood doesn’t die, never dishonor the family name (which could mean a lot of things), and be prepared to physically and emotionally mourn the loss of their parents when they are gone to memorialize them. 

Plus, children should also “pay it forward” by “paying it backwards.” Li, our author of note, says that by taking care of their parents, they’re ensuring that their own children take care of them. Let me say that again. If we, the offspring, care for OUR parents… then, karmically, our offspring will care for us. 

I’m calling that the “indirect Golden Rule.” Magically, if you treat people well who treated you like trash, then new people will arrive who finally show you any care, love, or respect.

Now let’s hit up those Western perspectives, huh? Surely, they’ll seem more cohesive with our individualistic bullshit, won’t they?

Meh. Not all of them. We heard first from 

Jane English – the Friendship Model – says that a relationship built on mutuality that has no expectation of return ensures there will be filial care. Alternatively, reciprocity demands repayment of favors, which is what most parent-child relationships fall into. However, she argues that favors only count if they’re requested. And children cannot make conscious requests to their parents in order to be paid favors. So therefore… if there’s no friendly, mutually-beneficial relationship established… the law of reciprocity says children don’t owe parents shit. Jane English everyone. 

Raymond Bellioti – the Contribution to Self Principle – you’re going to love this. He says that because our parents contributed to our sense of self and our attachment style, we owe them everything. Whether those contributions are positive or negative is the major question, but he didn’t ask it. We did. Knowing that our parents contributed to our poor, fragmented, sense of self and dysregulated attachment styles… NOW what do we owe them for their contributions? Hm. Raymond Bellioti, nice jokes. 

Jan Narveson – the Prudent Investor Thesis – parenting meets capitalism and validation of stupid decisions. Jan says that because our parents sacrificed and invested their resources in us as children, they are due a long-term payout for their efforts. Otherwise it would be “irrational” to parent, at all. So, (and I’m not making this up) he says that the child must validate the un-irrationality of the work that their parents put into them by returning the effort. Otherwise it would have been insane to procreate and make all this effort. So, we should make them feel good about that decision or lack thereof. Plus, since we children were vestibules for the resources of our progenitors, we must fork those resources back up (with interest?) when the time comes. When the bond matures. Narveson. I’d love to tell you that this was the most problematic one, but… 

Christina Sommers – the Conventional Expectation Thesis – hahahaha it’s so fucked. She says that because parents expect their children to care for them in old age due to popular opinion on the matter, it’s a parental rights violation if this unspoken birth agreement isn’t upheld. And that’s it. Parents expect care, you’re trouncing upon their rights – regardless of how they treated and continue to treat you – if you don’t oblige. Fuck this lady. She’s out of her goddamn mind. Christine Sommers. 

Jeff Bluestein – the Gratitude Theory – returns some sanity for us. He says that there’s a difference between indebted duties and duties of gratitude. If we’re given care without expectation of return, it would be fitting that we express duties of gratitude by doing the same. If, however, we’re given care with expectation of repayment, then that care is due back – it is indebted. That said, sure, you can FORCE us to repay you if you’re calling in debts, he supposes. But there are conditions for the care that qualifies as being repaid via duty or indebtedness. It must be 1) nonmandatory care and 2) accepted by the child. But, Bluestein says, since parenting is legally mandatory once the kid is in your possession and youngins don’t have the ability to reject care, there is no debt to be repaid. OKAY. Jeff Bluestein. 

What do you think? Diverse thoughts from this cultural standpoint, huh? But, if you’re anything like me, you’ve heard sentiments that mirror these ideas and may have even heard them emanating from deep in your own mind at some point, too. 

Hence, with all of these culturally held beliefs floating around, we don’t know what we owe our parents. Or what’s personally correct. Or morally ethical. Or if we can say “fuck these conventions, you treated me like trash and I don’t owe you a goddamn thing.” 

And that has a lot to do with guilt.

Which eventually led to finding this paper on the relationship between child-parent ambivalence and guilt. 

Which detailed how feelings of ambivalence drive greater psychological unwellness than feeling strictly positively or negatively about parents, as mediated by guilt. 

SO. Those of us who have mixed feelings towards mom and dad actually might have more guilt about whether or not we participate in their filial care. Meaning, we might be more driven to engage, despite the fact that we know it will be to our own detriment. 

And if this happens? 

We can probably also assume that we’ll experience a greater caregiver burden, as well. Caregiver burden being the FELT weight of delivering care to another being. The PERCEPTION of being inconvenienced, exhausted, and faced with many obstacles. 

If you’re not exchanging strictly positive feelings and reciprocal care with your rents? If your attempts at remedying ambivalent feelings with new behaviors and increased filial contact doesn’t create positive change in the dynamic? 

Well, then, regardless of what’s “morally or culturally right or expected,” you’re more likely to perceive guilt and the significant stress of caregiving burden, which can be debilitating.   

Well… unless… You have a whole other perception, entirely. 

Our author Li comes back with one MORE point from the Eastern side. Saying “maybe we don’t owe our parents anything in the sense of repaying debts and financially formalizing a relationship that cannot be reduced to such fiduciary ideas. But what if… Filial Obligation was actually all about YOU, the CHILD, and your best benefit?” 

Hm. 

He says: we’re all born with the potential to self-realize, but it will take work. One of the ways that we must form ourselves is through our human relationships – which, as we learned alllll last year, are massive amounts of inner work and healing. One of those relationships we need to engage with is the parent-child relationship. By understanding the sacrifices that go into both sides of the relationship, we become more whole and wholly able to connect to each other. Therefore, Confucians believe that filial duty is mandatory for us to self-realize. Hey, Fuckers, it’s not FOR our parents… it’s FOR our own development. Our own ascension. 

…

And what do you think about that? 

Some kind of snakeoil to convince us to re-enter abusive situations “for our own character development”? 

Or, some kind of thought tool that could help to balance out a brain, suffering through filial obligation, by making the situation less victimizing and more empowering? 

We’re not sure. The research results are highly mixed on whether or not a strong belief in filial piety protects against depression or predisposes one to it. In one case, the perception of having a purpose and moral duty is a helpful resiliency tool. In the other case, the pressure to perform filial care to the expected degree sets one up for negative self-evaluation.

The outcome seems to depend highly on the individual and their circumstances. 

Namely, their education and financial status. How much care they can pay for rather than directly give. How conflictual the caregiving role is with their other duties. The amount of time and attention that the filial obligation tasks take away from other relationships. The duration of the responsibilities. The relative ablement of the parents. The social support and needs fulfillment opportunities that exist for the caregiver.

AND. The nature of the relationship between the parent and child. 

These are the components that influence the perception of filial caregiving burden and the likely outcomes for the child. 

Straight up, the feelings of reciprocity, friendship, mutual respect, and appreciation are the drivers of filial behaviors. Perhaps it’s not more complicated than that, and we don’t need to make it so hard on ourselves. “Get what you give,” is the name of the game and it is that simple. 

And, if you’re wondering, the other straight-forward factor that DOES positively correlate with high grade filial obligation behaviors. It’s… modeling. Seeing our parents take care of THEIR parents. 

Leaving us to wonder… “Wait… WERE the Confucians right about this indirect Golden Rule nonsense all along?” 

Hm. The jury is out. 

But in the community, the strongest belief seems to be, “I only owe you for what you contributed to my life.” A determination for which those feelings of ambivalence might need to be worked through, so a firm decision rather than falling into the shuilts. But otherwise, it’s a philosophy that we all seem to feel positive about. 

If you want the full details of the six philosophies, the ambivalence-guilt connection, the power of perception, and the community submission episode, you know where to go. Also, for the previous Filial Obligation series from 2022, on filial anxiety leading to negative self-perception, leading to feelings of entrapment and defeat, leading to suicidality. 

Find em all in the Filial Collection of episodes, over on the project patreon, patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers. 

And a quick note: if you click “join for free,” that will not give you access to the hundreds of prior episodes. That is a stupid feature patreon forces you to have that gives you literally zero benefits as a patron, and I’m not sure what the purpose is. 

And one final reminder, I know I’ve been slow on this platform and the public instagram page due to all the other research and creating I’ve been doing, but I AM still putting episodes out on a super regular basis, with the same hour-plus-long research fervor as you’ve come to expect. And it’s gettin good. patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers. 

Next up, we’re returning to talking about narcissists – I KNOW! – again. Because a Fucker like you passed along a paper that blew my brain wide open (in a good way) regarding the concept of… adaptive… grandiose… narcissism. And all of the character traits that separate the pathological from the beneficial narcs among us, as they relate to things like stress perception, emotional regulation skills, post traumatic symptoms, and five factors of resilience. 

Ohhh it’s a good one. Many thanks to the Muff who sent it my way – lookin at you Alex. 

And I hope you’ll join us in discussing this post… not only on the traditional patreon method… but also… maybe… on the maiden voyage of the first microcommunity that’s been released via my brand new platform! I’ll tell you more about it as the network gets off the ground, but let’s say, we’re (fittingly) starting with Filial Obligates and Narcs… so you can access all this research and community discussion around it in closed door groups real soon. 

Hope to see you there. 

And until we speak next time…

Hail yourself. 

Hail your freedom of choice, no matter what subconscious narratives and feelings of ambivalent guilt might be bogging down your brain.

Hail Archie and Marcus Sharks.

And cheers, y’all.