This is the blogged version of the public podcast episode of the same name!

For more details and the community feedback episodes related to the topic, to access the private discord, or just to help a MF eat, go to the Patreon channel and dive into the full catalog of episodes.

See you in the Blanket Fort and Cheers, y’all!

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Whattup friends! Thanks for subscribing and learning along with the rest of us Motherfuckers, diving into your brain and working on the rewiring of your most self-hateable patterns with a crew.

This month has been devoted to relationship obstacles – as in, why we’re afraid to even get started. Examining common trauma hangups in the areas of issuing vulnerability, intimacy, and trust (or VIT, for short). Exploring why we tend to get relationally avoidant at a certain point, post-PTSD. Especially as we start to realize the impact of our post-traumatic stress on others, and the self-loathing it creates about ourselves.

We dove into research on the topic, learning about the long-lasting effects of intimate partner violence as they relate to cognitive distortions, suspiciousness, and reduced likelihood to reject others healthily. We also checked in with a paper on high-risk (low-connection) sexual behavior in soldiers, hearing their reflections on using distant relationships for meeting biological needs while maintaining self-protective strategies to hide their wounds from others. Fear of disclosure, sense of otherness, and assumptions of self-incompetence reigned supreme. Then we dipped into the utility of forging vulnerabile, intimate, and trusting relationships for trauma recovery and the relational setups that can help us start to practice safely.

Today, I figured, I’d give you the more personal account of the research we’ve covered so far.

Cutting out all the academic findings and theories about why PTSD sufferers get relationally isolated, how about we discuss the experience straight from the hoarse voiced horse’s mouth?

WHY is connection so difficult? Because a Fucker tends to feel drawn to it, and opposed to it, all at once. Memories of everything going wrong and logical extrapolations about how that cookie is doomed to crumble again in the future run rampant. Stopping us in our tracks, before or in the midst of relationships. Ending any hope of safe, healing, trustworthy relationship and engaging self-protection strategies to spare ourselves the suffering.

So, for you today, we’ve got an episode shared from the full podcast stream.

If you’re anything like me and the bulk of the TMFRs who’ve turned away from anxious attachment, when you consider the idea of engaging in another relationship something inside your brain may scream for an opportunity… while another voice confidently states “ah hell no.”

Let’s count down the ways.

Here’s ya episode of the week, hope it helps explain some disorganized attachment troubles, and you know where to go to hear all the research deets that deepen the personal account.

Hail yer damn Self.

And cheers y’all.

Let’s talk about learned, logical, relational fears.

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So Fuckers, we’ve been talking relationship issues this year. Starting with loneliness and the many ways it overlaps with CPTSD. Then, using IFS we went diving into the ways our brains pattern themselves after the social influences in our environments, leaving us with strenuous relationships in our own heads. Then, this month we started flying head first into what freaks many of us out the most – vulnerability, intimacy, and trust. The prerequisites to healing and loneliness-quenching relationships.

For the past two weeks we’ve covered research accounts of these troubles we have engaging in authentic, healing, connective relationships post-trauma. Now… ya know… we’ve got an extra week in the month of April. So I figured, guess that means an extra week to hit on the topic. Let’s do a discussion of what we’ve covered. From the more experiential standpoint, underlying all those research accounts.

What stands in the way of fulfilling relationships – or even attempting to engage in them – when we’re running on trauma brains with long histories of relational shittery? As described by our own motherfucking experiences.

Let’s dig into it, as it paves the way for our topic next month. Not going to give it away, you’ll have to listen until the end to see if we’re on the same page with all of this.

So let’s get started. Here’s some extra shiz on VIT in relationships – or, more specifically, how we never allow ourselves to even try them on for size.

So. We know, brains only work in the language of logic, making connections wherever they seem reasonable based on past data points. Intellectualizing our experiences so we can stop feeling about them.

We have to make stories about what we’ve seen and what it all means. And those tales dictate how we operate in daily life, forever, until something forces us to rewrite them.

So with all that said… I mean, when we talk about forming relationships, what are your thoughts reasonably going to lead you towards? A lifetime of freely giving your inner and outer experiences away to whoever might offer a source of connection?

Hell goddamn naw. Look at it from a brain’s perspective.

We’ve done it. It’s sucked. And we have a billion and one stories about why, that save us from feeling too deeply about the events.

So… Why would we be vulnerable, again, when others have hurt us before? Why be intimate when it only opens up more room for those attacks to take place? Why trust others when we’ve been fucked a million times over, and each one of those was already another crack at “maybe this one will be different, I have to keep trying”?

Our brains wisely… don’t.

They’ve been put through the meat grinder too many times already. Our past trials were failures and they had deleterious effects on the whole team.

Plus, we’ve probably found other ways to fill our time and attention without relationships in the past. What’s the point of diverting our focus from those outlets for the sake of getting wrecked again?

We KNOW what works for us now, oftentimes it’s isolation and making our own ways in the world… ruthless independence and self-sufficiency… which is a huge relief after a lifetime of relational trauma. After a lifetime of feeling sucked into other people’s lives and brain antics, tossed around like tiny sailboats on a lot of stormy seas we didn’t accurately predict sailing across. Finally, able to live for our goddamn Selves, without fear of social retaliation or time-sucking associations.

Why would we let someone get in the way of that… again?

We’ve tasted the freedom of NOT being perpetually triggered into our F responses with others. NOT dealing with the self-shaming that comes afterwards. And we don’t want to go back.

On top of that, there’s not only the relationship, itself, to worry about. And alllll the ways it can destroy US. But then there’s the other person, too.

We feel responsible for everyone, often, due to that parentification early in life. We’re fawning pros. We regulate ourselves to keep everyone comfortable and happy. AND, in this community, we’re pretty well aware of the ways that our own trauma has made us have some extreme reactions and unhealthy patterns that can be transmitted to our social contacts. We’re not wanting to pass on our traumas anymore, but they have a way of rearing up in relationships.

So what are we gonna do, willfully push our worst parts on other people? Or, accept taking them on ourselves, as we still try to endlessly support others throughout our own triggerings?

Uh, that’s all a lot of responsibility and weight to consider taking on after you’ve had a break from it. If we’re in the midst of recovery, we feel we aren’t ready to subject other people to our traumacoasters (trademark Chris G) and unhealed patterns yet. And we worry about what the relationship will do TO our recovery, since we’re still stitching up these bullet holes.

So, real, intimate, relationships aren’t easy to consider taking on. Especially when we know the payoff will probably ultimately be…

Let’s call it, “A shit blizzard raining down on you someday, as all those times you were vulnerable, intimate, and trusting come back to bite you in the ass in the midst of bumpy relationship roads.”

No one is chomping at the bit to be back in those hellstorms.

Even if we WERE to decide to give ourselves the “go ahead” for engaging in personal dynamics, there’s a lot to keep worrying about.

The onset of relationships is stressful – we have no idea what they expect from us or we expect from ourselves. The meat of the relationship is a continual guessing game and trauma-pinging fest. Who’s patterns are who’s patterns and what the fuck do they all mean?

And then, we realize preemptively that it’s not like any friendship or partnership ends quickly, painlessly, or without prolonged consequences to our inner and outer worlds. We’ve been through it. We’ve seen it. We know. It’s going to be months or years of chaos, as we see the relationship taking a dive and try to resuscitate it.

When we exert this energy and good faith to forge a real, close, relationship? We see it as sunk costs. We’ve already committed so much to this partnership or friendship, so much effort and so many “good faith” decisions, in order to stay present at all. So, what does it mean about us if it fails and how are we going to justify the “wasted” time and energy. We’ve invested emotionally, and that means a lot to us. We took something we already lacked and shared it anyways.

It took a leap of faith and a lot of courage. We tried to let someone in, and that was no easy feat.

Plus, once the relationship is failing, we’re left to contend with the knowledge that the connection actually worked before… at least at some points, in order for us to keep trying. With those memories of easy early intimacy, we figure… maybe we can undo the past. Maybe it can revert to prior versions. Maybe if we work hard at this it can work again and our effort won’t all have been for naught.

So, we realize relationships tend to fall into that dysfunctional phase of “everything falling apart, but we keep knocking more holes in the walls as we try to patch them up.” It’s exhausting. It’s triggering. It historically made us resent ourselves for ever being this connected to someone in the first place. And it leaves a stain in our memories, as we think about the option of doing it allll again.

We also realize from past experience that each party may or may not put in equal effort, another point of over-responsibility that hits our brains before we even start trying to connect. “How is this asshole going to stick me with the full accountability for this relationship in the near future? And how is that going to demolish my inner world?”

Our brain is already on possible outcome number 20, before we make a single intimate, vulnerable, or trusting gamble.

Why even bother? Why get involved at all? OR why not stick to forming these highly constrained relationships where we keep each other at a distance? Like the soldiers in our prior episodes did.

We think about how relationships tend to unfold for us and assess “a lot of time and energy wasted, with a party who vampires them straight out of our lives.” And don’t really jump at the opportunity to give ourselves away again.

But then we also get to… The predicted aftermath of the relationship. The other major concern we’re already fearing of.

Because, then, our brains also assess that “Lord Archie knows how long the ruminatory and self-loathing spell will be when the thing finally fucking ENDS. Maybe 6 months of torture, minimum?”

Maybe a lot longer, depending on what happened and is continuing to happen post-split? Maybe… forever? If it’s one of those things we encountered twenty times before and this is the final nail in the coffin, or if we just don’t let go of the self-judgements about what went wrong. Strong possibility. No one wants to live with MORE reasons to hate themselves. We’re already filled to the brim.

I mean, even if you’re cool with the relationship dissipation when it happens… doesn’t your brain commonly manage to change its tune some time later? And the continual thinking and rethinking, analyzing from all directions, and questioning of Self really begins.

“What did I do wrong, what does it mean about me, how are others judging me presently, how will future relationships be screwed by my mere presence in them again?” Fun thoughts to stew with, after an interpersonal dynamic doesn’t work out for any reason and your inner critic gets a hold of your perspectives.

And let’s also make sure to mention…

If you were vulnerable, intimate, and trusting enough to merge resources or friend groups, you realize you’ll have even more than the cognitive torture to worry about. You might also be thinking of the practical, measurable resource and social loss before deciding if a close relationship is worth pursuing.

Loss is a huge factor for the brain to consider. Sure, we can have an expanded world while this relationship lasts… maybe go on some cool adventures, have less life pressure on our shoulders, a regular companion to engage with, and even their social circle to explore… but some day, based on past experience, all of that will be taken away.

So why, as usual, expand our vision to include the threat of “hope” and “comfort” and “expansion,” if those things are going to ultimately be ripped out of our hands again?

Isn’t it worse to experience the things and have them redacted, than to never have the things at all?

More life stability? Great! Until it’s taken away.

More support on a daily basis? Fuck yeah! Until it’s pulled back, and we’re left with less regularly used skills to support ourselves.

More friends? Awesome! Until they take the other’s side. And we’re feeling rejected and isolated again.

The fact is, if you were already on the fence about how you feel towards yourself and others, the end of a relationship is going to be a bad time. In a litany of ways. Personal and practical.

And most of us round here check this box. No one wants to relive the subsequent events of failed relationship experience. And they’re extra aversive ideas to take on if you’ve already had (more or less) nothing but.

So. No matter which way you slice it, no matter which strategy you previously chose for human connection – diving in without checking for water OR living in a human-connection desert, by default – we were raised on human abuse and neglect. And that follows us, stinting our interest in engaging wholly with others, until we rewrite those programs.

We’ve repeated those patterns throughout life, acting on unhealed wounds and unfilled voids. And then we’re set up to experience the same explosions, implosions, and unexpected dissolutions down the road, which ping those original traumas and set our brains ablaze.

None of this prophesizes “it’s a good idea to be my real self and share my life, unfiltered and up close, with new humans.”

So, instead, we often stay lonely or isolated. On purpose. As a backwards “comfort” and verification of our past outcast identities, or by accident.

And speaking of loneliness, doesn’t this explain the ongoing emotional loneliness issue that comes up with CPTSD? We learned that children who experience childhood traumas are more likely to develop emotional loneliness, and that condition tends to stay consistent into adulthood.

ON TOP OF THAT, social loneliness gets added in with additional trauma exposures into grownupdom.

And, unfortunately, all relationships that are going to relieve us of emotional loneliness, at a minimum… are going to depend on vulnerability, intimacy, and trust. If we’re unable to express our feelings and experiences without fear, we’re going to feel lonely no matter who is around.

On the other hand, social loneliness seems like a slightly easier target to demolish. “Maybe I can have more connections, at a lesser degree of vulnerability, intimacy, and trust,” we decide.

But those relationships also require at least a degree of trust to satiate. You can’t build your social network very successfully if you explicitly or implicitly fear other humans to the core. Those increased levels of suspiciousness post-abuse don’t make casual relationships easy for us, either.

So we’re standing at the face of a cliff – perpetual loneliness – looking down and realizing we don’t want to keep marching that route. BUT, when we turn around to go back the other direction from where we came, we find that there’s a huge wall standing there, as well. One that our past constructed on its own. Maaaaybe with some help from our brains, which expanded on the original event to make the monumental self-protective obstacle we now face.

We don’t want to walk alone off the edge of an unscalable cliff, but we don’t have any room to let someone else in or to change course with this blockage that’s cropped up. A tomb we’ve built to keep ourselves safe that’s now pushing us towards an isolative and lonely destiny we didn’t desire.

Point is, your brain has probably been assessing why all relationships have been so difficult for years now. The relationships in question likely weren’t first-time problems. Just some of the most extreme examples, so far, now experienced through adult goggles that demanded some severe alterations in our perspectives. We know, more extreme situations lead to more extreme adaptations – including taking on the personality traits of intimacy problems, cognitive distortions, suspiciousness, and lower rates of rejection of others.

So, in the wake of these more recent interpersonal violences, all forms of socializing have become, frankly, stressful. Distrustrustful.

And I, for one, know that when I engage with others, I struggle to actually let them in. To share anything about myself. To open up about my emotions or deep concerns. To be transparent and stop self-editing.

Which has a fun side effect for me. For a person who talks for a living, I’ve become very bad at speaking to people. That’s why I’ve been thanking y’all for letting me practice being vulnerable, intimate, and trusting in my communications throughout these recent posts. I mean it. It’s been a trial in trying to get myself to open up again, after the past coupla years have shut me the fuck up in an authentic way.

Anyways. The greater issue is, of course, my past history with relationships. I’ve seen enough shit at this point (as have all of us) to carry a certain protective skepticism about mankind.

My problem with forming close and lasting relationships alllll comes back to the expectations that have developed in that belief and behavioral system, developed over a lifetime.

Expectations on my part – that humans will let me down, promise things they don’t deliver on, talk out their asses more than their mouths, delude themselves however convenient, shut down when conversations need to happen, play the blame game instead of finding resolutions, and disappear one day with a black and white narrative that shits all over 99% of the full story.

Soooo… go in, expecting the worst times of your life to be inevitably repeated, and try to be a good relationship companion from that vantage point. You can’t. And you can’t really even get started, because you’re too busy trying to put more bricks on top of your fortress.

When I even start to consider using something to make new friends like a dating app or joining a local group, my brain boomerangs back the other direction to say “you know that’s not a good idea. Just let sleeping dogs lie and spare yourself the bites.” My anticipation of being misunderstood, used, and left behind puts up roadblocks to even thinking about thinking about new connections. My expectations are all colored by historical shit lenses.

And then, there are the expectations I have for expectations, from them. What do I assume people are going to demand from me as soon as the relationship hits a certain stride?

Ohhhhh…. In one word, “everything.” They’re going to want my undivided attention, devotion, loyalty, emotional support, mental reasoning, executive functioning skills applied to their personal circumstances, a perfect appearance, a consistent and predictable emotional and physical state, and generally access to – sorry, I don’t know how else to phrase this – “use me.”

Use me physically, my body belongs to them. Use me mentally, I’m always supposed to be thinking about you. Use me socially, I seem to always be a part of some self-concept that others are trying to form for themselves – a key piece of their self-esteem and social capital monopoly game, projected onto me without permission or insider knowledge.

I expect to be expected to live FOR other people. To exist only to keep the relationship comfortable and rewarding for them. Enough is never enough. An inch becomes a mile. Emotional, physical, and mental needs are continually going to be my duty to attend to as soon as the relationship is established.

Expectations that I’ll never be able to fill, because they’re not agreed upon, based on outside influences and ideas about “how relationships should work,” and outside my personal wheelhouse… which is still under construction during this recovery from PRIOR terrible relationships.

… Which, bonus points, I expect the other party won’t be able to understand. Or won’t really desire to.

And, you know, with a cascading series of thoughts like that… it’s no wonder that I don’t often get a toe in the door when it comes to vulnerability, intimacy, and trust. With forming new connections that could burn me down the road. The concepts are fundamentally oppositional to what my brain anticipates is coming for me later.

If you’re vulnerable, they’ll strike – immediately or when it serves them someday. Who knows when I’ll be blindsided by their callousness and cruelty. If you’re intimate, they’ll know too much and you’ll be punished for it eventually. I’ll be shocked when my deepest personal knowledge is eventually used against me. If you trust them, you’ll surely regret it in a number of hours, days, or weeks. It’s only a matter of time until they show you that they’re just as capable of harm as everyone else, and the image they presented was inauthentic to the programming that lies underneath.

You don’t let someone inside your house when you expect them to steal all your shit and burn the place to the ground, loooong before they saunter their way out… or just as they exit, fleeing from the scene with gasoline container in hand. And I don’t allow people into my brain or my (sorry, warning of lame) heart for the same reasons, either.

What? Reveal all this deep personal shit, give them everything I’ve got, and hope for the best? Maybe THIS one won’t turn my life into tinder and strike a match, like all the rest? Let’s just roll the dice and worry about it later when I kiss my sanity, self-esteem, and safety goodbye?

Ehhh… nah, Fuckers. Been through the song and dance enough times. I know how the moves progress and I’m not here for the breakdown… again.

That’s what my wiley, historically educated, brain has to say.

Besides, even when I DO try to let people in, something inside of me stops it. Eventually.

If I can reason with all my fucked up core beliefs and convince myself to take a chance on someone… it doesn’t last long before something sets those bells ringing and all my ability to share myself consistently and reliably is redacted again.

This can happen in a relationship beginning, which ends the relationship quickly. Push people away fast and they go away fast.

Unless, of course, they’ve got some obsessive or anxious attachment problems. Meaning, if they DON’T leave when you refuse to let them in, you should run even faster. That’s boundary crossing and an indication of clingy, controlling, nightmarish things to come. In my book, at least.

When you don’t let people in from the beginning, they’ll either find another door to walk through – another social option – or try to break yours down. And my system doesn’t respond well to people “trying to take what they want” from me, when I’ve already been clear about what I’m willing to offer.

I put up walls, you bust them apart? I’ll build those walls up higher than you can possibly scale. And if you do somehow get over the top of the structures, you’ll find that I’ve vacated the other side. Disassociating whenever we interact, as my brain detects danger and throws me into a safer space.

In the other direction this can go… Maybe they accept your walls and barriers. Maybe they’re okay with a shallow relationship. Maybe they’ll be cool staying distant. But at your core… are you? Is that what YOU really wanted? Probably not. There’s little reason to keep engaging, as folks who don’t tend to be fond of small talk in this community.

It can also happen mid-relationship, cyclically, like I mentioned earlier. We’re friends, but I doubt that I can trust you 50% of the days. Just can’t open up. Can’t even communicate – that text message sits unanswered because my brain won’t let me respond. Too stressful to figure out what to say. To express enough, but not too much. To engage without letting the interaction become overwhelming and intentionally disruptive.

Too many expectations of expectations in return to hit the keyboard. Even with friends.

Or we’re romantic partners, but I spontaneously feel like you’re as trustworthy as one of my family members when we’re in close proximity. Before I loved you, but then we got into the same room and I don’t feel the same way. I feel suspicious and on edge. Waiting for the next shoe.

Lots to say about the overlap between my clan and the people I end up with? The patterns that run my life? Oh, you know it. There always is.

But the outcome is the same. When we part ways, I suddenly feel better and also desire to be close again… Until we are. And then I want you to go away because there are gears turning in your head that are grinding on my own.

Back and forth. Hot and cold. Vulnerable, intimate, and trusting… and then a rapid turnaround towards total shutdown. What’s going on? They don’t know. I don’t know. Everyone is unsettled and uncertain of what’s to come. And the relationship begins to strain, because inconsistency equals dissipation of trust. Then come the revocations of intimacy and vulnerability, right alongside.

Plus. When you DO let people in initially, but later redact that closeness, they can really only respond in two ways, again. They’ll feel rejected and the relationship could suffer permanent, irreparable damage now that the trust has been broken. They might lick their wounds as they walk away. Or, they’ll lean in harder trying to earn your favor… a learned trauma response. Overcompensate for what’s going wrong and try to endear themselves to your brain again.

The lofty third option we all hope for is that they’ll stick around… from a distance that we’re determining… and let us work our shit out without being affected by it. Then we can regroup when we’re reoriented and see what happens from that more stable ground.

But, uh, really asking a lot. The relationship would require some serious commitment, communication, trust, and mutual understanding for that to happen. And a lot of inner work being done on their part.

AND, there’s a good chance that we’d find on the other side of the reunion… that we just shut down and withdraw again. We get triggered again and we’re halfway out the door. So start the recentering and reunion process all over again. As if most people have the patience and self-esteem for that runaround.

We might realize that we wanted the relationship when we had distance from it. Now that it’s up in our face and our brain again, something has severely shifted…. “No thanks, I’m still as incapable of allowing this vulnerable, intimate, trustworthy ongoing connection as I was before.” And THAT is possibly going to be the factor that breaks the camel’s back after all these attempts at rectification and reunion.

Of course, at which point, we might be again longing for all the relationship aspects we denied ourselves in the lost whatever-ship. Always wanting what we don’t have. Always fearing what we do. And finding “vulnerability, intimacy, and trust” to be impossible goals that get stunted and stalled out from within.

Sigh.

So that seems like a reasonable place to end for the day… as a means to let it flow right into the next conversation.

So, if all of this has been sounding a lot like polarized parts to you… if you’ve been yelling at this podcast episode that I’m not saying very much about the words that go along with the internal system being described… you’re dead on the money. It’s been on purpose. Don’t fret.

What I’ve said so far is: at least one part wants connection, but many parts are horrified by the idea. Maybe the connection-desirer pitches some their way from time to time… but those human intimacy skeptical parts aren’t going to play ball.

Exile and Protector battles, raging on.

And no matter which part is suddenly activated by external events, a wild shift in perspective and behaviors takes place.

One that feels like you aren’t making the relationship calls. Something inside of you, bubbling below the surface, maybe since childhood, has been.

OOOOORRRR several of them, with completely conflicting senses of reality, needs, and survival strategies.

Some of them, still lamenting unactualized vulnerable connections. Some of them, lamenting the fact that you’re lamenting unactualized vulnerable connections… and not being very kind, subtle, or compromising about it.

You, stuck somewhere in between the desire and fear for vulnerability, intimacy, and trust.

So, let’s come back next time and talk about this part of the equation. The parts part. How do our internal systems create relationship challenges, starting with offering vulnerability, intimacy, and trust. And not ripping it all back, at the first sign of danger?

See ya next time, and until then…

Hail these brains, evolved FOR THE PURPOSE of human connection.

Hail your Self.

Hail Archie.

And cheers, y’all.