When your brain is a spiralling hellhole of “not good enough, never have been”… sometimes you withdraw. When that shitscape is finally over, it’s time to reconsider the hiding you’ve been doing. 

Let’s talk about what happened in those isolative times ’21-22 and the sudden re-release of episodes from the beginning days of this accidental podcast. 

Stoked to get better acquainted… and hail yer damn Self, Fuckers. 

Cheers

MFJess

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Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/complextrauma/message

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Transcript / Blog Version:

Hey fuckers, it’s Jess and Marcus, the new Archie in my life. Just radioing in to let you know that I did a little bit of a thing here.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how much my brain got thrown into a tailspin in 2021 and 2022 and how that’s affected this project pretty holistically. If you weren’t aware, it’s a DIY thing over here, so what’s going on in my brain and my world eventually feeds into the show, let’s put it that way.

So in all of the tumult that was the past few years, the re-immersion with the family system that I went through, I had a few things get a bit fucky, namely a lot of parts rising up that were born in the family system which took back over and they had the effect of making me shut the fuck down. I wanted to hide myself, I wanted to keep myself away from the public and even my personal relationships.

I just felt like I wasn’t material for public viewing essentially. And in all of that happening, in me getting very sensitive about my own trauma and my life and what was going on in my brain and if I was acceptable or worthwhile as a human, I pulled down all of the public episodes that I had put out.

Now I’ve done somewhere around 300 episodes for this show so far in the past three years. A lot of them are also community contributions, so it’s not only this voice ringing out, but I got really nervous.

I got a little paranoid and just felt truly broken and unacceptable. And when that happened, I withdrew.

I took down all of this public material and I hid it away behind a paywall because I didn’t really feel like people would want to get to know me or if they did get to know me, like they would accept me, they would like me back. I expected a lot of punishment, I guess.

Social rejection and fears around that. A lot of bullying trends that came up into mind.

And I’ve realized that wasn’t a cool thing to do. One, because it was operating out of trauma, out of avoidance and hiding.

And two, because it erased a lot of the connectivity around here. I felt like it was important to put out this very polished public face.

And so I started doing these separate, very cohesive flowing seasons that were reflecting on what we’ve covered in great detail in all of those hundreds of episodes. But what that took away was the personal aspect.

Us getting to know each other, you having any idea who this voice is, who’s speaking at you, and really being able to kind of foster new connections and relationships through the podcast. Instead, it really got reduced down to just being educational, which has its merits.

But as we’ve been going through loneliness month, especially, it has seemed really important to me from my place of my values to reconsider what’s been done here. So I’ve been making a lot of changes in the entire project.

The Patreon platform is definitely improving and kind of taking a look at things that haven’t been going ideally, as I’ve been in this bit of a head spin. And the public podcast I’ve decided, obviously needs to do the same.

So I’ve gone through and rereleased a bunch of the episodes from the real early days of this project. I started this podcast in 2020.

And back then the information was a lot more personal, relatable, talking off the cuff and just relaying what I had learned so far. And eventually over time, the show became a research based podcast, in the sense that I go out into the world experience these traumatic things, figure out what’s going on in all of the systems around me and in the system inside of me, another nod to my parts.

And then I find research that helps explain what I’m figuring out in real life. So throughout time, the show got a lot more academic research based and kind of dry and detail oriented.

But it didn’t used to be that way. So I’m bringing back those old episodes.

I’ve published them here on the public podcast. They are season zero, and they all say early days rerelease, just so we can get a bit better acquainted.

And so you can see how this project really ever started as a complete fucking accident with this lonely motherfucker standing in my room in Atlanta, as the pandemic took hold. And for some reason, I decided to take the CPTS blog I had been writing and record a podcast episode about it.

And then people just started listening. So I just kept going.

So the early days are kind of early CPTSD revelations and information to start help you kind of broadly apply CPTSD to your life. And then as the show goes on, it gets deeper and deeper into those inner workings and how to fine tune the whole thing.

So just wanted to put it out there. A real vulnerable moment for me to be honest, kind of feels like showing my face after a long bout of agoraphobia, which Yeah, I’ve also been through that in the past.

So nothing fucking new, that’s for sure. But please take a listen if you are on the market for a bit more of the emotional relational connective side of things.

Or just to get to know a motherfucker. Again, if you’re interested in getting another taste of the episodes as they have continued to develop, you can also subscribe to the Spotify exclusive material that is available.

And it’s like a little smattering of shows throughout the years to kind of help demonstrate how the show has progressed. And where things are at these days.

Let me tell you these days, it’s a lot less research and a lot more community contributions. We found that the community healing aspect of this is a lot more important than me just reporting on facts.

So in 2023, the research has been dialed back by 50%. And the motherfuckers speaks episodes have been dialed up to fill in that gap.

You might want to check it out if you’ve been having a bit of a difficult winter, or you just appreciate hearing multiple perspectives around these issues. There’s a lot of ways to look at these things.

And a lot of experiences that you might connect with your damn self. So just wanted to hop in today and let you know about these changes that have taken place overnight.

And invite you to get a bit better acquainted with the whole project as it started up with a $10 microphone in a bedroom and no idea what this motherfucker was goddamn doing. Things haven’t completely changed, but I’ve got a better mic now.

All right. That’s it all.

Hope you’re having a great Sunday. Hail your damn self.

Hail Archie. Hope you like this new selection of episodes.

Feedback with whatever you’ve got to say. And cheers y’all.

I’ll talk to you real soon. Bye.

Hey, motherfuckers. So you know, this is a community healing project in which we all share our various reflections and takes on various topics and experiences we’ve been through.

We do it on the private podcast stream every month with submissions from motherfuckers like you. But are you interested in making your own podcast?

Because Spotify’s got a platform that lets you make one super easily. Spotify for podcasters lets you edit and record podcasts right from your phone or computer.

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Video podcasts are also available as well as tools such as Q and A’s and polls to get your listeners talking. And best of all, you can earn some cash while you do it.

The entire thing is free and there is no catch. This is what I use and I highly recommend that you give it a try to just download the Spotify for podcasters app or go to www.

spotify. com/podcasters to get started sharing your shit today.

Thank you.