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Transcript / Blog Version:

So, last time we talked about those periods in life when you maybe get out of some real shit… and expect your life to skyrocket again in the aftermath. You’ve been doing all this work. You’ve survived the rough waters. And you KNOW you’re ready to jump back into really living, with a new outlook and new intentions for yourself.

…. Only to find out that you’re stalled and stagnant every day, for a seemingly inexplicable reason. You just CAN’T seem to follow through on what you KNOW you should do. And life starts to feel very out of control “slash” can I even do this?

Well, I posit… that a lot of this is due to 1) our DMN, default mode network, keeping us in fearful states whether or not we even know the reason or detect the subsequent changes in ourselves once those freaked out programs are activated. And 2) those trauma-derived programs, themselves. Memory systems, behaviors, dominant thoughts, perspectives, and emotions that are allll bundled together… and once activated, can be very sticky. Very difficult to shut back down. Not to mention, they tend to have oppositional instructions between each other… so they tend to fight for power in our own brains. Leaving us with that awesome trauma-born ADHD problem, mental scattering, confusion, intermittent over-drive and freeze responses, and so much inner criticism we feel like we just might implode.

And these, my Fuckers… these programmed clusters of perspectives, behaviors, and recollections… are “Parts.” Parts of your being that have been shuttled off into dark, dank, rooms, inside of your self. You know, for good reason. Because they were or still are assessed as dangerous or shameful, and you tried to hide them from light. Or, from your own awareness.

The parts that we shame and blame? We try to squirrel away. They live on inside of us as pockets of thoughts about how much we suck along with all the associated memories. Remember, those memories are probably going to come up with full force, as disjointed sensory recollections, that we relive as they emerge. Thus, making them as vivid and seemingly current-moment relevant as the hand held right in front of your face.

For instance? Have a distinct memory of humiliation that you try to avoid? Have you noticed that you try to avoid that memory, obviously. But you also seem to have “lost” the characteristics of self that go hand in hand with that story? Whatever you were deeply into at the time, whatever social circle you were breaking into, whatever behaviors that version of you used to regularly enact? Have apparently “dampened” or disappeared altogether?

Right. Now, don’t trigger the fuck out of yourself, just answer shallowly, but… do you have any deeper, more traumatic memories that fit the same bill? The person you were when that important person passed away, for instance, feels like they’ve been lost?

But then again… do you feel like any stimuli that reminds you of that period of life… will immediately bring those thoughts, feelings, and behaviors right up again? You find yourself thrown back into that same state of mind? Even take similar actions, to your own chagrin, as if the event just happened and you’re living in a Groundhog’s Day nightmare?

Right. These are parts.

And it is that simple. Don’t over think it.

Ps – I would assert that everyone has parts. The difference in presentation just depends on the person’s degree of integration, the material in those pieces, and how those parts were developed.

Some of us have many parts. Some of us have just a few. Some of those parts are extensively developed – large personality fragments that were embodied and then lost. Some of those parts are sortof vague and fleeting – we weren’t “that person” for very long before the traumatic event OR we only shamed very specific pieces of ourselves for the unwanted events that took place. Some of us get absolutely “lost” in our parts, we even have entirely separate memory systems that create lapses in our awareness or self-identification. Some of us can be aware of our parts popping up at the same time as other parts are still engaged… and we might even witness them having conflict, consciously, as our brains flip back and forth between opposing programs.

It all depends on how your brain adapted to survive whatever you’ve been through so far.

But regardless, we should get in touch with these pieces of us, because we can’t feel like a whole animal until we do. Until we notice, name, come to peace with them, and find a way for our parts to co-exist. Until we understand why we’ve rejected or hidden them away, and… big point… sorry, about to be lame… FORGIVE those iterations of us for whatever our old perspectives told us they did wrong. For whatever fear and unsafety still lies in those memories and pieces of us.

Until we do, we’ll continue to avoid all reminders of this pocket of brain cells. We’ll continue shutting down our full emotional experience while only activating the most painful ones. We’ll continue whittling down who we really are, in order to feel the “safest.” Not realizing that we’re living in self-created cages which only SEEM safe due to familiarity, all along.

And we will eventually lose our full selves along the way.

Or, at least, make it increasingly difficult to have a full catalog of activatable neurons to choose from. The full brain-contained “us.” The less we practice being us, the harder it is to engage all those pieces again with time.

And I hope you see that this is both one of the most confounding and defeating aspects of CPTSD, as well as a major recovery hurdle, when left untreated.

Though it’s painful to get in touch with the aspects of us that are associated with bad times – that reliving those memories again feels like a blowtorch to the brain – it’s the only way to pull those recollections of life and disintegrated identities of self into one picture. To create a perspective that fully honors what you’ve seen and allows you to embody your experience fully. Knowing that the past is safely in the past, you’ve seen what you’ve seen, and you’re a wholer, stronger, more wise individual now, as a result.

Plus, that you don’t have to keep harboring these shit treasure chests of shame inside your brain and body, any longer.

They don’t DEFINE you, unless you let them continue to run rampant. So doing the inner work to discover, hear, and heal those parts? Is the way out of chronic PTSD.

You don’t have to live in fear of yourself or continual self-limitation anymore, Fucker. But you do have to do the inner work to re-examine and re-calibrate these portions of you.

If you don’t, you’re banking on a life of continued self-bafflement, start-and-stop progress, recovery backslides, behaviors you’re not so proud of, thoughts and emotions you can’t escape… and with all of that? Yep, you’ll also see an abrupt drop in your life functionality. A whole new potential trauma, as you fearfully assess yourself royally fucked in the head and incapable of getting back on course.

The good news being? 1) we’re talking about loss of functionality and self-judgment along the way next. And 2) if you are curious about your parts? Oh, my friend, I have a great resource or three for you.

First off, get the book Healing the Fragmented Self of Trauma Survivors (or something similar) by Jannina Fisher. Second of all, yo, we’ve already put out a show or two on this public platform about parts – hit those up. And tres-ly, the community is full of parts-help. Both, in episodes that have already been released about parts and workin with them. AND, in the private TMFR discord community, where the community leaders are motherfuckin experts on discovering and dealing with their own parts.

Til we speak again next time, just remember that you’re not alone with your brain. You aren’t the only one. And it isn’t malfunctioning or unfixable. In the neuronal connection department, it’s just a bit… dis-integrated.

Hail your Self, and all your wildly adaptive, protective, parts.

Hail the journey that’s gotten you here, as your full self, today.

Hail Archie, who forced my child and mama-bear parts to the forefront.

And cheers, my nerds. I’ll catch you here next week, or sooner, if you just can’t wait.