My Fuckers. Hello. It feels like it’s been a while and I hope life hasn’t been railing you too hard in the interim. Me? Oh I’ve just been recovering from my more recent railings. 

So, on a related note. Let’s keep talking about relationships, huh?

Lemme just remind you – 2023 has been devoted to relationships on this platform.

We started out learning about internal relationships, discussing Internal Family Systems. Then we moved into why we trauma folks DON’T engage in relationships; hint, it’s “fear of being found out” and a drive for self-protection most of the time. Then we pulled IFS and couples counseling together and discussed how TO be in relationships – even ones with conflict – without letting them sink us or the partnership.

And most recently I took a step back from those expert’s advice to talk about some of the ways we can be more careful and intentional when choosing a new relational comrade, so we don’t end up wrecked after committing to someone who’s just not a good match for us where we are, now. (Uh, important topic for people who tend to “fall into” relationships and ignore their own red flags, rather than believing we’re allowed to consciously choose the folks we connect with, huh?)

But anyways, it’s been a relational year so far. 

And THIS month we’ve been talking about… the inevitable. Relational ruptures and what to do about them. How to patch up a hole that’s been created between two partners. The crucial nature of taking those steps; what happens when we DON’T bother to repair a relational rift. And also… how NOT to half-assedly try to rush the process. Which tends to put blame on the wrong person and creates even bigger problems between you than if you had not bothered to try at all. 

AKA – something I’ve titled “non-apology apologies.” An episode that I’m super tickled by, if I do say so myself. 

Alllll that being said. Let’s hit those points today in this rundown of the research we’ve been doing over on the private podcast stream. Let’s talk about relational repair after rupture… how to do it all wrong, and how simple it truly is to do it right. 

So, remember that this year we’ve heard over and over again from relationship experts, “conflict is inevitable.” The key to maintaining healthy and healing relationships is to ride the storms of the imminent disagreements, committed to working things out with each other. (Even when we’re .5 seconds away from being on an episode of Snapped.)

That being said, relational repair is critical. We’re going to have ruptures from time to time when we feel injured and withdraw from the association, so, then…. Something has to be done to bring us back together. Or else we’re trying to jankily patch things up on a faulty foundation in which one or both partners aren’t fully trusting or capable of being vulnerable. Then, we’re filled with lingering resentment as we limp through or tiptoe around ever-present issues. Annnnd end up in miserable relationships that slowly torment us. Assuming we don’t break them off entirely, call them “another piece of evidence that we’re hopeless,” and carry on with our isolative flailings. 

So. We have to repair our relationships after conflict. 

Which, you know… a lot of us aren’t used to. 

If you’re anything like me, you grew up in a household where relational mishaps simply aren’t addressed. 

In my family of origin, we fight… it gets brutal… people say cruel things to hurt each other as much as possible… and then (best case scenario) the next morning they’re going to give you the cold shoulder for a while, until they need something from you. 

In the more annoying-case-scenario, they act as if nothing has happened.

“Pretend that embarrassing explosion never took place, those nasty contents of my brain haven’t been revealed, and everything is fine!” My family says. Plus, add in a “god! can’t you just let that go already!?” for good measure. 

“Why are you still remembering the way I crushed your soul less than 12 hours ago, can you just stop so I don’t have to deal with the consequences of my actions?!” They say, in exasperation of my *feeeeelings.* 

No, I can’t. 

And, the reason is… in relational conflicts, our core wounds – the pains and fears we’ve lived with for our entire lives – are ripped open. The very things that our relationships are supposed to help support us to heal are instead brought up to the forefronts of our brains as we receive additional evidence that they’re real, they make us worthy of abuse, and they’re evidence of our brokenness. 

So. We aren’t just hurt by what’s recently transpired when we have disagreements and full on fights. It’s not just about the shitty thing they said most recently. In fact, we’re also tripping through decades of our oldest pain points. ALL the things they’ve said. All the things other people have said. And all the things we’ve told ourselves. Across a lifetime. 

And when our partner refuses to speak to those nasty narratives we’re now re-drowning in… well… it’s torture. 

It’s like bringing everything we’re trying to convince ourselves isn’t true to the surface, riling all our shame, guilt, self-hate, and fear, and then leaving us alone with it. All the reasons we consider ourselves unworthy, stupid, fucked up, incapable of having positive relationships – just stirred up and smacking us in the face. All the thoughts that end with “and that’s why I’ll probably die alone,” floating around, at the top of the brain. 

No big deal. Just things like that. 

And. Oftentimes. From there, we’re expected to “just get over it,” for the sake of the other party. When, clearly, we’ve never been able to release these thoughts and feelings, for anyone’s sake. The oldest wounds we carry don’t just disappear because they’re inconvenient for someone else. 

You might know something about that, reflecting on your own family system. Gonna guess that they didn’t exactly coddle your thoughts, feelings, or self-worth in the aftermath of interpersonal rumbles. Or, ever. 

And how’s that turned out for all of you? Would you say those are relationships you have positive feelings towards? There’s a lot of vulnerability, intimacy, and trust? It feels easy, natural, and healing to be in their presence? You feel like your “best, freest, truest self” when you’re together?

What? No? None of that, you say? 

Right. 

And that environment of distrust and emotional ambivalence? Is not what we want to recreate in the rest of our relationships. That’s living in your trauma patterns and never breaking free from the prison of unfulfilling partnerships. 

So.

What we really want to do? Is to repair what’s busted between us after conflict. And to do it in a way that doesn’t poke at our partner’s oldest, deepest, most debilitating pain points. Rather, in a way that helps to settle and mend them. You aren’t ONLY trying to patch up the relationship – you actually, also, need to speak to the pains that are undermining the relationship. 

So this month we started out talking about all of this – the need for repair, what we’re really trying to mend on a deep level, what a foreign concept it is for many of us – and the easiest way to do it. 

And I’m happy to tell you – at the end of the day, everything essentially comes down to reassuring each other that we won’t be abandoned. That even if we have flaws – and we all do – they don’t amount to being “too busted for someone to care about us.” 

Right? Isn’t that what most of us want? The knowledge that even when we’re not “at our best,” that doesn’t mean we’ll be abruptly hot-potatoed and left to suffer alone with ourselves? Reason that our “and that’s why I’m going to die alone” thoughts can take a step back?

Eh. Maybe just me. But if that also hits you in a poignant place… Here’s an easy suggestion. 

No matter what the nature of the relationship is. Romantic, friendly, parental, or otherwise. The important part is transmitting this very short message. You ready?

“I see you, I hear you, I love you, and I’ve got your back.” 

“I see you, I hear you, I love you, and I’ve got your back.” 

That’s all we truly want to be told. That’s all we want to know. That’s what we want to be reassured of after we’ve had a conflict. That’s what allows us to move forward again – wholer than before – together, and separately. 

We want to be told:

“Some fucked up shit has happened, but you know what? I understand why and I care about you anyways. What you’re carrying is not too much for me. I’m not going anywhere and I’m here for you.” 

I see you, I hear you, I love you, and I’ve got your back. 

That’s it. 

That’s what we all needed to hear growing up. That’s all we were so thirsty for as children. That’s what we didn’t receive. 

Now, as adults, that’s what creates corrective experiences that could heal our old, festering, wounds. And could help reprogram the trauma narratives in our brains that insist we’re not good enough or we’re too much for others to handle. 

That’s what we’re still living with now – the void of human care that leaves us wondering why we AREN’T enough to be seen, heard, loved, and supported. 

So. That’s what we all need after relational rupture. To be told that’s not true. That we ARE enough, we are wanted, and we are not in this alone. No matter how old we are, that’s what we still need. Because our pains are timeless. What we didn’t get as children still affects us to this day.

And what we didn’t get? Were the words and corresponding actions that demonstrate we’re seen, heard, loved, and supported.

So. 

Next time you find yourself having gone through a relational rupture… consider not only the pain that the other party is going through due to this recent mishap. But also how it likely corresponds to a lifetime of pain that they’ve been trying to stave off for decades. And ask yourself if that’s what you want them to be living with, as a side effect of some words or actions that you probably didn’t even mean. 

And, instead of rooting yourself into the anger and indignance of proclaiming “but I didn’t mean it that way, can’t you just get over it?” give a little thought to simply telling them what their brain has always needed to receive. 

I see you, I hear you, I love you, and I’ve got you. 

I’m here for you. You will not walk alone. 

And – vice versa this shit. When YOUR relationship partners seem aghast that YOU haven’t just willfully forgotten the dispute between you on a timeline that’s convenient for them, or in general? Well, you can easily inform them of what it is that you actually need from them to move forward in the relationship. 

Being told and shown the same things. 

You can point blank inform them, I need to be assured “I’m seen, heard, loved, and supported. And here’s an easy phrase that will do it.” Make it clear. Name your needs. Give them a path forward and don’t expect them to innately understand without your input. Tell them “these are the words that would mean the world to me.” 

The actions they need to follow through with, so it’s not just a manipulative statement? Well, that’s going to be up to you to decide. But make sure you can name those behaviors and down the road you see evidence of them. Or else we might as well be issuing empty-hearted apologies to each other and demanding that the rupture is healed because of it. 

Which is what we’ll get to next time, as we cackle about commonly horrific apologies together.

And on that note, Fuckers….. I’ll see you here when we speak next, about fake-ass, insincere, insulting and blame-shifting attempts at relational repairs. Known as non-apology apologies. I’ve got 14 examples for you, streaming over on the private podcast stream as we speak. And I’ll be back soon here to toss some of them your way, for good measure. 

I promise, you’ll gasp and laugh as the ghosts of your shitlationships flash before your eyes, too. 

Til then… Ahhhh you know I’m going to wrap this up in the corny way. But I mean it. And I have to say, I think I demonstrate it with these ever-flowing episodes, too. 

Those words are:

I see you, I hear you, I love ya, and I’ve got your motherfucking back.

Hail yourSelf.

Hail your relationship repair efforts – they really are the means for not only healing your partnership, but also the worst of our human wounds. 

Hail Archie. 

And cheers y’all. See you soon.