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MFJess

So when I think of relationships, it probably comes at no surprise at this point that my brain immediately starts flipping through a rolodex of terrible experiences and expected future results.

As I’ve said recently, “try relationships again? Aw hell no. I’ve seen too much and those memories have only gotten stronger in the past years of perpetual relational abuse (and general world trauma) rather than fading away.”

Namely? When I think about connecting with others and become repulsed by the idea?

I’m unfondly reliving ghosts of cyclical, pointless, enraging conflicts that can seemingly never be resolved. It feels like no one is really fighting about what they’re fighting about. The issue isn’t the issue. So there’s no way to fix it. Instead, we run in nonsensical loops. “HERE’S a statement” “ “HERE’s an unrelated response” “… Annnd now we’re onto a whole new topic, without even acknowledging what’s been said.”

Because, again, the issue isn’t the issue. FIGHTING, itself, seems to be the purpose of fighting. And we’ll learn why that is today.

So, in this super dense month of talking about relationship challenges that start from the inside, out, we’ve continued talking about research and best practices gathered from couples counselors who utilize IFS to help their clients actually resolve issues, by getting to the bottom of what they really have always been about.

Namely. That we have unseen needs and self-doubts that we expect to be mended by relationships, by magic.

“Relationships shouldn’t be work, they should be easy,” we tell ourselves. “This other person will HEAL me and set my life on a whole new course.”

This is what constitutes an “unconscious relationship,” as it’s called. Or, falling into a partnership with someone without an overarching perspective of the reality of it…

Relationships are painful. They have obstacles. They inevitably include conflict and confrontation. And it’s only through taking responsibility for ourselves – getting self-exploratory – when these roadbumps present that we can grow in ourselves and repair the connection.

Realizing these points and signing up for the experience anyways? Intentionally? With commitment to overcoming those challenges? And realizing that, in fact, those inevitable conflicts are generally less tied to external factors compared to internal battles raging inside of each of us?

That’s a “conscious relationship.”

Being aware of what’s happening inside of YOU before you go ahead and point the finger at the other party. Realizing that those nasty bits of yourself are GOING to crop up at some point, and you’ll have to resolve their issues, inside of you, before you can expect to resolve relational misalignments, outside of you. And.. also… staying in the relationship anyways. Growing from it. Seeing someone else do the same, as you mutually catalyze each other’s (oft painful) growth.

THAT’S the point of engaging in conscious relationships, even after a lifetime of nothin’ good ever coming from past experiences.

To HEAL the wounds created by those past experiences, all the way back to infancy. And that isn’t accomplished by anticipating that anyone else can dig around your insides, uncover your pains, and stitch your wounds with the salt of their tongue or an instagrammable wedding.

So let’s talk about effective ways to do it.

First, let me tell you an important statement from one of our chosen researchers this month. They told us that the external conflict? What clients bring to the therapy office as their “major complaints”?

Well, it’s not the content of the dispute that matters so much. Actually, it’s the degree of conflict, itself.

Because we don’t often KNOW what the real issue that we’re reacting to is. It can be deeply buried in the subconscious, hidden by layers of more obvious complaints, apparent abuse histories, and relatively easy-to-discuss problems (compared to the rest of what we’re carrying inside).

But the level of conflict that’s taking place on the outside? Is actually reflecting the degree of conflict that’s taking place on the inside, in each partner. It’s indicative of the fighting going on between each individual’s own damn parts.

Remember how we discussed polarized parts back in IFS month? We have portions of our brains that carry oppositional and counteractive programming to one another. We believe we “should” be this person, but also, here’s ten reasons why we actually should act this way. We want that thing, but also experience immense shame and guilt for it. We desire closeness and connection, but at the same time, we have an infinite list of reasons why that’s a horrible idea. Our parts don’t agree within our own brains.

So, when we have brain cells that lead us in fifty different directions, within ourselves… how do you think that’s going to present in the relationship?

With a lot of drama? Confusing changes in plans, thoughts, feelings, goals, and overall personalities? A lot of explosions, when we’re internally agitated and confused, and then project those events under the blame of others?

And all the while, with us trying to protect ourselves from dealing with painful parts of ourselves, as we outwardly flail at our relationship partner and call them the offender?

Hm. Yeah, that’s the vibe. And it explains my aforementioned feeling that “this issue isn’t really about this issue” pretty succinctly.

So, as we’ve said before, we tend to project outwards what we’re not dealing with inwards.

And you can blame our Protector parts for a lot of that behavior. In fact, this month we discussed MORE shitty Protector part strategies in relationships, after we got a nice introduction to those tactics last month.

We found out that Protectors (also known as Managers), are particularly bad for communication.

So, remember that Protector parts always have to be “right.” They’re rigid. They feel like letting down their guard will result in immediate destruction. They feel responsible for keeping you – and all of your parts – safe. And it’s a burdensome, stressful, egoic, position to be in.

Therefore, in disagreements, Protectors:

Believe that listening signals agreement, demonstrate that they aren’t engaged, and don’t allow others the chance to fully express themselves.

When they’re fearful that they’re being taken advantage of, they:

Prematurely offer solutions rather than offering empathy, agree to disagree, and formulate counter-responses instead of genuinely tuning in.

And I have a whole lot to say about all of those points, personally, but not here. Check the full episode stream for all my own reflections on bad behaviors.

At the core of it, these tactics keep us from wholly connecting, sharing our experiences, or hearing the other party so we can understand what they’re trying to say. That means, there never will be conflict resolution. Only Protective parts trying to fend off other Protective parts, while each person’s capacity for vulnerability gets driven further and further from the surface.

Problem being (as we keep reiterating until it wormtimes its way into your brain) each person’s parts will set off the other person’s parts. So when one fronts with a Protector, which is contextually pretty unavoidable in the relationally traumatized population, the other will react in a corresponding fashion.

Leaving no one in their “best mind,” only their most pained and protective parts. Which are slated as “enemies” of each other. Turning us into opponents rather than relational partners.

So, considering how reactive our brains are to each other, and how these behaviors fuck our chances at a healthy relationship… What can we do when we’re engaged in parts battles, aiming for a conscious partnership?

Here are a few pointers from the r‘search:

Don’t react right away; wait to respond. Notice your own projections. Acknowledge your internal reactions and sensations. Place them in history. Try to realize the real pain points. And don’t speak FROM parts – speak FOR them.

So, our goal is always to respond, rather than react. Responding is thoughtful and purposeful, reacting is a crapshoot of automatic brain responses.

We need to know what we’re really feeling, thinking, and doing, rather than tossing accusatory blame at our partner.

We benefit from realizing where our current emotions are maaaaaybe getting polluted by past experiences. And exploring those emotional spews individually, before we react to something from 10 years ago, today, at our partner.

At the same time, identifying the historical, underlying pain creating those emotions tells us what we’re trying to shield ourself from re-experiencing in the present. So we can focus our effort on speaking to that hurt, rather than running our mouths from its reverberations.

So, don’t speak FROM your parts in conflict – your reactive, pre-programmed bits – unless you really want word vomit to emanate from your damn mouth. They’ll spit out whatever pains they’ve been holding for decades, without your overarching self-management. And who fucking knows what will come out. Probably nothing that’s especially relevant to TODAY, so much as it’s releasing a shit-torrent that’s been bottled up for a lifetime.

Makes sense?

Additionally, practitioners who use IFS in couples therapy recommend something called a U-turn to Re-turn when in conflict.

This process enables each person to drop out of their parts, into their Capital S Self, to regulate their nervous system, and to place their thoughts and feelings in factually accurate history so they can open space for their partner to speak in the present without receiving reactivity in return.

First, you notice your reactivity. All the thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations raging through your system.

Then, inquire about what the reactive part is trying to say and do. Understand its story. Understand that it’s a segmented patch of memories and beliefs, not your full self or life history. Ask the part who or what it’s protecting, keeping that “locked in history” viewpoint in mind. What was going on THEN that it’s still trying to fend off NOW? Listen to the part, validate it helping you adaptively survive that situation, and appreciate it.

Then, return to the relationship dynamic, with the Big S Self guiding the mission. That allows your partner to do the same. And communication can be freely had, without all the inner reactivities halting all progress.

And. Remember, speak FOR parts, not FROM them. Speak FROM the Self, which is the overarching observer of the parts.

This practice keeps us committed to resolving conflict, rather than drawing it out and complicating it. It helps us learn to regulate our nervous systems, which eventually remodels our ANS to be less reactive, overall. We can adopt co-regulation skills, helping our partner to get into a grounded and centered place with our own energy – and vice versa.

And most of all? It keeps us responsible and accountable. OUR inner worlds have to be cared for before we can attempt to fix the outer one… OR think we can mend the inner world of someone else.

Which brings us to our last big point of this… whew… super info heavy series.

We benefit from relationships that we’re both consciously committed to, with an agreed upon purpose of doing the inner labor that’s necessary to keep the partnership alive, healthy, and growing.

We need to say, “Yes, we’ll have fights. There will be conflict. It’s going to hurt.”

But that’s because it’s going to reveal our deepest, darkest, wounds. And at that point, we can heal them. We can become better, together. Through doing our work, self-accountably. And seeing each other grow.

As the individual changes, the relationship dynamic HAS to change too. Which catalyzes the development of both partners.

OR… on the other hand… we can hit those pain points, tell our partner it’s their fault, and turn away from the connection. Engaging in endless conflict instead of examining our own selves. And never getting to the root of the issue. So the rest of our relationships can follow the same pattern.

Instead, when we don’t do… that. When we mutually commit to a relationship?

We mutually commit to returning from conflicts within ourselves, to reconnect and make effective alterations with our partner. We don’t have to fear abandonment or rejection. We don’t have to hide ourselves. We don’t have to combat our own sense of unworthiness with ever-tougher cognitive programs. We can actually fulfill our need for human connection, acceptance, and love.

And that’s the healing that all MFs need to meet their family of origin failings.

Something that, I’m told, is possible. Even for Motherfuckers like us.

So where do you stand on relationships now?

…..

Saying “hahaha, yeah that’s fucking nice, but you’re making a lot of assumptions about my partner being willing to do all the horrible shit you just mentioned”?

Yeah. I heard those statements already, chanting in my head for this entire relationship series.

So NEXT month… we’re going to come back and talk a bit more realistically. If you’re NOT in a relationship that’s going to be taken to the therapy office anytime soon – because it’s too early or they’re unwilling or there isn’t IFS therapy available in your area within your payrange right now – THEN how can we start getting some picture of the parts that they possibly contain?

We’ll come back to talk about it. But we’re not going to be diagnosing anyone – that’s not helping even if you intend to.Instead, I’m saying that “maybe” we can get some idea of the brain programming they carry, so at least we can understand some of their baffling behavior that they haven’t begun to unravel yet. And respond to their antics from a knowing Self place, as we decide if it’s worth engaging in a “conscious relationship” or not… rather than letting our own parts get pulled into the unseen war they’re holding inside, without knowing what we’re heading into.

See you next month for some low-downs on the FOUR FULL EPISODES I’m putting out on those topics in July. Heavy topic, heavy workload.

And if you’re wanting more information on better communication skills between partners, now, from the experts? Dig into the full versions of this year’s relational research episodes and also check the MFs Speaks community submissions for relatable insights via Fuckers like you. Hit that content up at patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers and help me eat so I can keep putting out this information, while you’re at it.

And… Ya know, we’ll be coming back to talk further about nonviolent communication soon, too. Aka – how we should all learn to speak to each other, instead of transmitting control tactics and trauma onto each others’ spongey little brain boxes.

Stay tuned. It’s a relational-work year, as this MF does the same. And if you’re still here, I’d guess you’re ready to take that conscious-relationship bull-shit by the horns, too. Let’s do it together. Knowing there’s actually a very deep brain-rewiring purpose for the pain.

Til we speak next time…

Hail your Self.

Hail a new perspective and set of tactics for relationships.

Hail Archie.

And cheers y’all.