Hey Fuckers! Hope you’ve been diving into spooky season early and enthusiastically. Idk about you, but this is the time of year when the world feels aligned with my insides. Dark, dank, morbid, weird and creepy. Maybe a little too close to the veil. Yeah, it’s time to put on Ghost Adventures and cackle at Douche-Bagans taunting spirits. Let’s go.

Anyways. In other news. A few exciting things to tell you – especially if you’ve had issues navigating the vast catalog of podcast episodes we’ve put out before.

This month… well… we’ve opened a whole can of worms. We’ve been talking about “NonViolent Communication” over in the private stream. And it’s become a full “series” of shows, videos, workbooks, bonus episodes – as typically happens when this brain is operating correctly. 

But the cool thing is…

You’ll find that information displayed now as a whole, grouped together, “Collection” of posts on Patreon – a new feature that they’ve released that’s actually very exciting. 

So. You can now browse the hundreds of our past episodes, videos, and transcripts by “topic” on PC or mobile using the Patreon app – and, with three years of data piled up, that’s got me really stoked. Finally, some organization for the Patrons. That said, I have about a year of old episodes to upload to Patreon in order for every show to be available through “Collection” browsing. Bear with, as I get that accomplished and create an avalanche of outdated posts in the coming weeks. 

But it will be a brighter, easier, TMFR experience, when the effort is over. 

That said. You can also find immense organization over at t-mfrs.com, where every single episode and resource IS available for your browsing pleasure. Gotta plug all the effort that’s already gone into building that library of a site. Everything I’ve ever created is compiled there. t-mfrs.com.

Okay, enough announcements.

Back to this can of fish bait we’ve cracked. 

It’s called “NonViolent Communication.” Which, I prefer to call, just, “Effective Communication.”  

Because, yes, the point of the NVC framework is to not engage in controlling, abusive, manipulative, projection-laden, coercive, punishing, or victimizing communication with others. Therefore, not being “violent,” creating conflict, or transmitting trauma onto our relational partners… as our families hath already done to us, for decades… 

But also, it’s really a 4-step process that makes it POSSIBLE for us to communicate. With anyone. In any situation. Romantic relationships, family, friends, coworkers, neighbors, shitty parents at your kids school, managers and employees at your grocery store… this process helps us speak clearly and efficiently to anyone, anywhere. 

Rather than winding up in defensive-offensive gridlocks, where no one can hear anyone for what they’re truly trying to communicate – hell, where no one is SURE WHAT they’re really trying to communicate, because it isn’t clear to them, themselves…

We can use the four stages of NonViolent Communication to 1) clarify what’s happening with US 2) figure out what we really need and 3) verbalize those discoveries to our connective associate with a non-aggressive request that builds trust and good-will so that 4) we actually find fulfillment, and no longer have to suffer with unknown, unmet, needs. 

And, at the same time… the NonViolent Communication process actually is a beautiful framework for rewiring the bad habits of your trauma-brain. 

So, you, yourself, reap enormous benefits from running through the process, even when you don’t have a relationship partner or a big, heavy, conversation in sight. 

NVC will challenge what you were programmed to believe about your needs, your emotions, your personal power, and the degree of control you have in your life. It’s the antidote to getting stuck in long spells of “just feeling like something is wrong without knowing how to help yourself” or “getting stuck in a situation where your needs are perpetually unfulfilled, creating a defeating sense of already being half-dead, anyways.” 

Sound familiar? Yeah, I know those states well.

All of this is to say, yeah, we’re hitting NonViolent Communication hard these days – exploring the ways it’s a huge asset to our relationship world, firstly. And then we’re diving into the ways that it fixes our heads, personally, even if we don’t have a social bone in our body right now. 

So, today, let’s do a similar thing here. 

First, we’ll talk about the four steps of NVC in relationship communication. How we actually utilize it to improve our discussions with others by reducing the likelihood of conflict and increasing our ability to hear one another without offense. 

Then, we’ll talk about what beliefs this process is challenging – perspectives that many of us need to reset from our early learnings in a traumatized cult.ure. And, we’ll also discuss how NVC is an outline for rewiring your own brain via critical thinking, accountability, and neurolinguistic programming. 

So. Big conversations this month. We’ve got two episodes in a relatively long form for this platform comin at you. 

And I have to tell you, it’s an even bigger conversation over on the Patreon. NVC has blown  my brain wide open and I’ve been generating SO MANY resources on the implications of this topic that my brain can hardly keep up. I do sincerely, sincerely, urge you to check out NonViolent Communication in depth – no matter who you want to learn with. 

Now, learning together here today, let’s get started with the basics. The four steps of NonViolent (Effective) Communication.

Okay, here we go. 

A thing happens, you perceive it, and you:

Step One: Separate your evaluations from your observations. 

Sounds simple, but it is not. Because our brains automatically, immediately, start analyzing and assessing what they observe, in every situation. So rapidly that we don’t get space between our sensory events and our thoughts about those sensory events. 

Which means our thoughts are never really neutral or entirely accurate – hell, they’re rarely even NOVEL. Actually, they’re marred by all our previous thoughts from previous evaluations about previous situations. Which pop right up, filling our heads with information that we assume is accurate, which forms the basis to everything else we’re about to think, feel, and do. 

And, as we probably all know… “negativity bias” is a big problem in this community. When your life has been pervasively traumatic? Yeah, your brain doesn’t have positive evaluations or expectations for just about anything. Your observations are often shaken and stirred with experientially based trauma learnings. Amiright?

So, in our relationships, this means that we’re often assessing our partners, ourselves, and our environments instantaneously, as if they are from our past or we’re both still engaged in circumstances from our past. As if we’re facing the threat of similar consequences from our past. 

And therefore, we are assessing everything we observe… shittily. 

Well. NVC says “don’t do that.” Keep your assessments out of your factual note-taking. 

But, wisely, NVC realizes that we can’t just NOT evaluate things – that’s part of our brain’s duties to keep us alive. Instead, it asks that we just keep our observations and evaluations SEPARATE. In two different locations in the head. 

So, to do this? We have to slow down. Everything. We’re observing things all day, and we need to be present while we do it. 

So, whenever you feel stressed, sad, overwhelmed or otherwise negative? Stop what you’re doing. Take breaks. Give yourself breathers. And use them to tease apart what you’re ACTUALLY perceiving externally… from what you’re secondarily perceiving internally. If you were a scientist, writing down only the bare facts about physical reality, what are your observations? 

Maybe take a look at your immediate analyses for clues about what contents of your brain still need to be worked with. However you’re reacting so strongly and rapidly? Is probably important information about what wounds you still need to heal. What memories are still too-alive inside your body as mistakenly relevant in the current moment. 

So, note those evaluations. But do not get them mixed in with your observations of physical facts. That’s step one of NonViolent (Effective) Communication. 

And at the same time? Hold on to your emotions in a separate compartment where you know they exist but aren’t immersing yourself in them… because they’re going to be worked with in our next step. 

Step two: Name your feelings and OWN THEM, Fucker.

Okay, sounds simple enough? But this step is probably the most complicated of all of them, as far as the challenges we face being embodied, how cognitive psychology plays into things, and the neurolinguistic details that go into it. We don’t have time for ALL of that today, but let’s do our best to cover what we can. 

So, this step asks us to identify what’s really happening inside of our protein husks – PRECISELY – and to verbalize those events in a way that doesn’t blame them on others. Which, we can just say point blank “won’t get you anywhere.” If we’re aiming for effective communication, lemme tell you, informing someone that they “DID” ANYTHING or “MADE YOU FEEL A WAY” is a surefire way to fuck the pig. But we’ll get to that in more depth in a second here. 

First, NonViolent Communication says that we dumbass humans need to even be specific and precise in the emotion that we name. 

It doesn’t help us to say “I feel bad,” which doesn’t tell our relational partner or ourself jack shit about the problem or how to fix it. We can feel “bad” in a lot of ways. We need to tell them WHICH way we feel like trash.

So we need to search our noggins for more specific emotions that actually align with what we’re going through. Such as “I feel disappointed, frustrated, defeated.”

Be particular about what you’re feeling. Which requires you to investigate and identify what you’re feeling. Got it?

Secondly, as we mentioned, NVC says we don’t put responsibility for the emotion on anyone but ourself. Because it sincerely won’t help to say that someone “caused” you to have a certain feeling… and also because it isn’t correct.

Your emotions come from inside of you. Other people and situations can only be the stimulus that lights them up. But they are still created BY YOU. 

So, in practice, that means we don’t say things like “I feel disappointed because YOU…” or “You disappoint me when…” or “You make me feel disappointed because…”

Alright? I know, half of you are already up in arms. Digging in your heels that people MAKE YOU feel things all the time. Trauma problems.

You’re going to hate this next point even more.

Thirdly – and this is where things really get controversial – we need to be careful about fake-emotional words that are actually projections about what we think another person is doing TO us. 

There’s a huge list of these projection-feelings that we need to watch out for, but some of them include “I feel rejected, unwanted, ignored, neglected, unheard, unseen, hated…” 

Yeahhhh…. Words that the CPTSD crew loves and knows well. Because in our family systems, we were often rejected, unwanted, ignored, neglected, unheard, unseen, hated, and so on. 

But guess what? Those aren’t fucking emotions. They’re situations we’ve been in that come WITH certain historical emotions, for many of us. 

So our brain’s think that by describing the projected situation, others will be able to imagine all the feelings that we’re having… without US actually naming the feelings. It’s sortof a way to dodge responsibility and hope that the other party just “gets it,” without us having to do the legwork. Instead of us being present with and investigating our emotions so we could name them accurately, we describe a projection of the situation. Pretty lame, really.

Also, another way that this is super uncool is realizing… These non-real-emotions are assumptions about how others are treating or feeling about us. Which leave us helpless, because we can’t change how others feel or act. 

And that’s a losing game, because it’s all made up in our own heads. We can’t claim to know how others think or feel about us as facts. 

All we DO know as facts? The emotions that we, ourselves, are generating from inside of us. 

Similarly, when we say that others CAUSE those emotions? We put ourselves in the same helpless corner. Saying others are in control of us, so we’re just fucked. 

So we gotta name, specifically, and OWN those feelings as ours, Fuckers. 

And we’re still nowhere done with step two, because the language with which we do it is crucial, in order to avoid setting off the self-defensive instincts of others as we accidentally project onto them. 

SO, again, lots of detail goes into this step as far as the proper wording to utilize. The NLP discussion gets deep. But let me give you just one extra tidbit to chew on, here. 

In the English Language, we actually never need to say “I feel” before a real emotion. 

We can simply say “I am” – as in “I am sad, I am disgruntled, I am exasperated.” 

Saying “I feel” actually turns our emotions into opinions. 

And here we’re saying “your emotions are NOT opinions, they’re facts about your inner world that only you know the truth of.” 

Interesting, huh? If you’re like me, you’ll be thinking about that for the next month… and noticing how often you say “I feel” for no fucking reason other than to soften your words for the sake of others BY making them into opinions that people can disagree with, if they’d prefer to. 

Anyways. Step two: name your emotions, and OWN THEM as FACTS about inside of you by saying “I am (emotion)”. Be clear, be precise, and don’t mistake your interpretations of others’ behaviors as feelings. Any of those missteps puts your brain into helplessness territory and your conversational partner in a defensive tower.

Then we get to the real meat of this whole process, and the part that has the most CPTSD recovery implication, in my view.

Step three: Figure out the underlying (unmet) need

Y’alright, Fuckers, this is where we really start to gain traction in the process. 

NVC says “we don’t just evaluate something shittily, we do it because we have negative emotions inside of us.” 

And, “we don’t just have negative emotions inside of us no goddamn reason, we have those unwanted feelings because we have….”

Here we go! “UNMET NEEDS.” 

So, in what ways are you unfulfilled? How are you deprived? What parts of your biology aren’t being supported?

And this is where things get bonkers, because it turns out that we have twenty times more needs as human beings than I ever recognized. Lemme give you this PARTIAL list of psychologically defined needs – that – without fulfillment – fuck with both our biology and psyche. 

Connection

Acceptance

Affection

Clarity

Communication

Confirmation

Compassion

Intimacy

Understanding

Authenticity

Love

Autonomy

Choice

Space

Spontaneity

Peace

Beauty

Ease

Harmony

Order

Wholeness

Interconnection

Belonging

Consideration

Community

Cooperation

Dignity

Mutuality

Support

Trust

Meaning

Contribution

Creativity

Hope

Inspiration

Purpose

Celebration

Joy

Mourning

Play

Competence

Effectiveness

Efficiency

Growth

Learning

Power

Honesty

Authenticity

Integrity

Basic Survival

Shelter

Food & Water

Rest

Safety

Security

Touch

Just saying… in my world, I’ve only ever self-recognized or honored the need for “food-ish items, semi-potable water, and some sort of structure around me.” ps – the internet, so I can be an effective person on earth via working, so I can pay for those 3 respected needs of mine. 

But if you really think about the times you’ve been the shittiest – everything around you has seemed annoying, agitating, unfair, bullshitty, etc… how fulfilled were you feeling? And how many aspects of your life were being put on the back burner so you could white-knuckle your way to survival? 

Uhhh… I’d bet that you wouldn’t describe the experience leading up to that depressive spell with the words I just listed above. I’d bet that you were depriving most of your human needs. So maaaaybe there is some connection between these “lofty ideals,” our emotional regulation, and our assessments of the world, huh?

Huh. Yeah, my penchant for need deprivation and it’s connection to my miser has been something I’ve reflected on thoroughly, thanks to NVC. We’ll talk about it more next time. 

So, when you separate your observations from your evaluations and realize you’re being a shithead (step one), you then dive into the emotions behind your asshattery (step two) and claim them as emanating from inside of you, then you ask “why AM I experiencing these bad feels?” and google a list of human needs to seek out your answer (step three)….. 

Comparing your world and level of self-care to what the experts say homo sapiens NEED… you ask, “what’s missing? Where are you feeling deprived? What PARTS of you are feeling unsatiated?” 

That will lead to you understanding what’s really driving the feeling, and make it clear what you need to do next in order to help yourself. 

And so, at this point, as far as practical communication goes, what we have is a template for stringing together your emotions (step 2) with your needs (step 3) and taking ownership of them both. 

Here’s that perfect formula for expressing yourself effectively. Ready?

We say: “I am (precise emotion) because I (description of need that isn’t being fulfilled)…” 

Simple, right? 

Step one – pull your assessments out of your observations.

Step two – get real about your feels and where they emanate from… you.

Step three – figure out what part of you is feeling deprived and name it as something you need to address.

Now we get to step 4 – what to do about it.

Step 4: make a request.

My Fuckers, this section is the easiest of the NVC process. And yet, maybe the hardest for us to execute, if we have nothing but interpersonal trauma in our pockets.

Because… This is the part where we go to our relational partner and ask them for help to meet our need, with specific actions they could take. 

And that’s hard enough, right? If people ask me “what can I do for you to feel better?” It’s not like I have any responses. I don’t fucking know. “DON’T give me additional work.” is a lot easier to say than finding detailed, instructional, actions they could take. 

But we can’t make a request unless we can tackle this part; unless we can figure out what behaviors would help us to meet our needs. And find the courage to express to someone else that we could use a little help. 

However, it gets even harder. 

Because this is also the part where we absolutely do not try to control or force our relationship buddy into doing a single goddamn thing. And that’s where I think we struggle. 

Because all our prior experiences? Have probably taught us that humans ARE controllable, via other people forcing, manipulating, punishing, and coercing us in the past. 

So, we have to be mindful of that programming, and only make a SUGGESTION in the form of a QUESTION to our partner about how they could help us. 

Meaning, it’s optional. They can say “no.” And we will accept their declination gracefully, without additional words spewing from our mouths to try to convince them otherwise. Without stonewalling them if they say “no.” Without ultimatums or threats for how YOU won’t meet THEIR needs if they don’t meet yours. 

Altogether, we have to make an actionable request without any punishment in the aftermath of their answer. In fact, this framework says that it behooves us to express empathy, in case they cannot help us out, to demonstrate that it IS optional and we care about them, either way. 

We need to communicate that our request is not a “do or die” situation. It will not permanently marr the relationship or spawn thoughts of retribution. It is their choice to opt-in or opt-out. And we can demonstrate that we will empathetically understand, either way, because we also care about THEIR needs. 

We’re not here to communicate abuse more effectively. We’re aiming at forming a positive relationship, which requires both parties to feel seen, heard, and supported.

AND, lastly, we need to make sure that we’re communicating an action they CAN take, rather than an action they better fucking stop. In other words, telling them what NOT to do? Is not helpful. Requesting what they CAN do actually provides a path forward for everyone. To be effective, we provide instruction for new behaviors, not demands to halt a previous behavior without a replacement being offered. 

That’s step four. Make a request.

So, altogether, our NonViolent Communication might look like this:

“When you didn’t come over last night (observation from step one) I was disappointed (emotion from step two) because I am lonely and need some human connection (unmet need from step three), do you think you can come over this weekend (request from step four)? If not, no worries, I know you have a lot on your plate right now with that big work presentation coming up (empathetic expression of understanding that they’re also a whole human being with needs, and we still love them either way, as part of step four).” 

Wrap.

And, uh… I mean, that’s about it, Fuckers. 

I mean, it’s not. We sincerely have gone into so, so, many more details in the 5 hour-long episodes coming out this month and the two bonuses. Find em, as always, over on that patreon. patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers. Neatly organized in the NonViolent Communication Collection, where you can also find about 8 videos from me and my whiteboard this month. It has been a busy one.

But that’s what you need to know, for now, to get started with NVC. 

1- separate what you see from what you evaluate

2- be specific and accountable about your feelings

3- figure out how you’ve been feeling deprived using a list of human needs

4- request help from your partner without disregarding or controlling them

And next time, when we meet here, we’ll talk about how this whole NonViolent Communication thing… Is actually a detailed blueprint for undoing the damage that our brains have accrued from lifetimes of trauma so far. Including, the phrase “depression is the reward we get for being good children.” 

Yeek.

I’ll see you here for that talk in a few weeks, Muffs. 

And until then? 

Hail yourSelf – and the crossover between IFS and NVC that we’re talking about in a bonus episode this month.

Hail your ability to communicate in a way that doesn’t lead to a throwing of hands or ‘bows, but actually assists you in meeting your needs, mutually, with another individual, thus improving your relationship from both ends. 

Hail Archie, King of Brain Rewiring. 

And Cheers, y’all. 

ps –

Into this NVC thing? Dude (ng’d) me too. I got doods, videums, and workbooks to prove it.
Hit patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers when you want to get nerdy wit it.