Hey Fuckers, it has been a beat. I was going to say “sorry,” but aren’t we all trying to train ourselves out of that bad habit? Rather than claiming our lives, our time, our health, our autonomy, we, instead, apologize for having the burden of existing. 

Pretty fucking silly.

SO. Yeah, it’s been longer than expected since we last spoke. And here’s why. 

I’m quitting this project! The time for our final season together has come.

And I’m still not sorry. I am announcing with vigor. 

Because, although I’m quitting this podcast platform after this year, there are rather large new things in the works. Things you can continue to tap into for free. Directed at self-help and deep learning. I’m not abandoning ya. There have been a lot of big shifts taking place behind the scenes. 

BUT. It’s a lot “hush hush.” I’m not trying to flood any gates. I’m not talking about it here quite yet. If you want the full details of what’s to come and how to patiently partake, I put out an episode on it at the start of the year. You can find it on Patreon at any sub level. 

Otherwise, what you need to know is… things are in development. And this is our final year together at Traumatized Motherfuckers, 2024. 

As we say, “Come hell or high wallow.”
As the leadup to the big change, we’re doing things a bit different. Revisiting old topics and expanding on them with more research. Drawing more connections between past subjects, and seeing how the story unfolds with those integrations.

Which, this month, quickly took a turn towards two highly rated discussions in the community. Those topics being: what we need to help ourselves heal and what happens when we don’t take the initiative. (Continual misery we pass on to others.)

In other words… I think it can be summarized as “we wound up talking about what creates a vulnerable narcissist.” 

So, let me lay the course for you. 

First, we discussed the recovery resources we all need (time, space, and energy)… but in a different light. The ways they can often, instead, negatively impact us in recovery. 

How time, space, and energy aren’t such simple pillars of healing, after all. 

Any one of these resources can be used for “unhealing” purposes, instead. 

If all your time is spent thinking about the negative past, you’ll drag yourself back to hell.

If all your space is designed to keep you isolated from triggers and socially shut-down, you won’t have the confronting experiences necessary to move forward.

If all your energy is devoted to ruminating on sadness, anger, or fear, you, again, aren’t going to be changing your brain for the better; you’ll solidify the worst cognitions as standard experiences. 

SO, it’s really not so simple as “just give it time and you’ll heal.” 

Or, “get into your own space, give yourself the social and life conditions you need with firm boundaries, and your thoughts will improve.” 

Or, “devote all your focus to figuring out what’s happened and you’ll be able to change your brain.” 

In fact, with all the resources in the world, we have to monitor and ensure that we’re working with forward motion towards healing, rather than diving backwards into states of victimhood and unhealthy cognitive adaptation developed through avoidance and repetition. 

All of that pondering got me thinking about time distortions and time orientations again. Which… brought us collectively to discussing an article on the mentality of narcissists. 

And the Vulnerable Narcissist, in particular’s, seeming obsession with living in a past negative time orientation. 

Now, if you’re new to the GrandNarc vs. VulNarc conversation – here’s what you need to know. Vulnerable or Covert Narcissists play the weak and helpless card as a manipulation tool, while secretly holding semi-shakey versions of the same self-delusions that Grandiose Narcs do.

They play people like fiddles while sending out messages of destitution and dismay (when it suits them). Underneath it is a contradictory set of beliefs about what elevated regard they deserve. SO it can be hard to pin these people down until you’ve had enough experience with their games. 

Unluckily for us, many (if not most) of our matrilineages demonstrate VulNarc traits. We’ve done whole episodes on them before. You might want to take a hard, sober, listen. 

And you’re not going to believe this… but it turns out, Covert Narcissists are testably geared towards remembering things negatively or only remembering negative things. Which is deeply connected to their poor sense of self and low self-esteem. Both of which are inextricably linked to reported histories of childhood trauma. 

Which led us, this month, to ask….

Okay, there are a lot of crossovers between, let’s say, “us and them.” In fact, many of us feel as though (at times) WE’VE acted as VulNarcs. So… what’s the difference?

What MAKES a CovNarc? Versus someone who is just relationally traumatized early in life?

Well… let’s go back to our recovery resources and how they can be used “for the opposite of health.”

One idea is that VulNarcs house unhealed trauma that is sunk down INTO, ruminated upon, and justified as “a method of getting through the world.” Rather than attempting to change through those recovery resources (time, space, energy), some people root down into who they’ve become THROUGH trauma, and frame their entire life experience from that perceived “damaged and unfairly prosecuted” position on earth. The first ticklings of VulNarcdom. 

Cue the withdrawal, continual negativity, victim mindset, social hostility, and antagonism. Which only further progresses their development of the characteristics of Vulnerable Narcissism, as they isolate themselves from anything that could challenge their perceptions of self, of others, of the past, or of current reality. 

If you live in a perfect little protective bubble and only engage with people who will entertain your obvious dysfunction, then you never have to change a thing. If you can always control the narrative so that you aren’t threatened with exposures to the truth, then you’ll always be safe. 

And that’s, in large part, what Vulnerable Narcissists do. Their trauma is carefully placed behind glass in their own psyches. Then, they just have to endlessly protect that glass from shattering and revealing what lies under all their rigid adaptations. 

Hence, anyone who begins to seem like a risk to their sense of normalcy and control is turned upon with aggression. And since they feel like continual victims of life who’ve “had enough of being disrespected,” Vulnerable Narcissists then empower themselves to be abusive. 

They turn pain into anger, and then, due to their poor understanding of emotions, they seek to destroy the target they perceive as “causing their feelings.” Not realizing that those feelings of misery, fear, and ineptitude are inherent to them…. From, again, that unhealed trauma they protect with the rest of their lives. 

Sigh. 

On another front: Why are CovNarcs soooo manipulative, we asked? 

Oh, is it because they only know how to get their needs met via “not directly asking,” which has been (unfortunately) successful through prior displays of victimhood that worked out for them in truly desperate times, thus reinforcing the behavioral program to “be as weak as possible for show” in order to obtain the resources they need in life, and therefore every single thing is a contrived fucking game with them? 

Oh, it is. 

So, we’re saying, if you ARE trapped in a trauma or trauma responsive state – as we believe VulNarcs are – you often will require help from others. You are in a condition of overwhelm and at some point you are in over your head. Through that obvious desperation which EVENTUALLY rears its head socially, the Covert Narcissist or future Covert Narcissist obtains assistance. 

Thing being. They don’t have to ASK for that assistance. And since they didn’t have to ASK, they feel as though their ego was protected in the experience. 

Then, henceforth, this is their strategy for trying to get help. By being perceived, strategically, as weak and helpless, they can obtain favors. So, that’s what they do. In a contradictory, baffling, fashion, they flip from their more grandiose views of self into their highly victimized views of self when it’s necessary. They feign, and emotionally manipulate others into giving them what they want. 

After years and decades of doing it… well… our mothers and grandmothers don’t know any better than to play charades as the “right way” to get help they need. And, hey, some of our fathers and grandfathers put on the same show. 

SO. 

From all of these reckonings, we majorly hypothesized that VulNarcs use those resources we ALL want – their copious time, space, and energy – not for recovery… but for over-identification with what’s called a “trauma-self” – another old topic. They focus on “who they’ve become because of trauma” and take that version of self as their psychological center. Which, then, prevents them from ever healing. 

In this way, these folks are frozen in their trauma. And their influence uponst others is to drag them kicking and screaming back into re-enactments of that trauma and PTSD, forever. 

All in all, we learned that vulnerable Narcissists are captured by the negative in life. They only can recall unfortunate memories, or they put a negative spin ON all their ACTUAL recollections. And, experientially speaking, they’ll make sure YOU can only experience shit times, too. 

Part of this ruminatory obsession on negativity, victimhood, and personal abuses is used in order to create “justifications,” that’s “fabrications of justice” – via alllllll their prior pains (real or imagined), in order to self-validate their negative behaviors towards others. 

This is how they can both claim to be victims WHILE OBVIOUSLY being aggressors. In their heads, both are true. Both are valid. Neither needs to be examined beyond the narrative they’ve already created to enable this contradictory programming. 

Which, for me, explains… every baffling moment surrounded by a culture of vulnerable narcissists – in both the family and societal categories. Looking at you, political idiots. 

And, actually, our research explains a lot more. I highly recommend giving those shows – and our prior VulNarc episodes which have been recently uploaded to the Narc collection on Patreon – a runthrough if you’re struggling with any covert narcissism in your life. 

Including… if you have fears that you, yourself, may be one. 

I think I have some reassuring news for you that will put that concern in its appropriate seat at the reality dinner table. Because, yeah, there’s some chance that we’re ALL a little bit Narcy in the CPTSD space. 

Don’t worry, we talk about this in greater detail in those aforementioned rundowns. 

And that’s what we’ve been up to lately, Fuckers!

Big changes. Big episodes. And, now, in a revisit to exploring the topic of Filial Obligation in a multipart series that’s underway. 

We’ll talk about that next time. 

For today… stay safe. 

Stay unmanipulated. Stay focused on recovery when you’re gifted the resources that could promote it. Rather than being absorbed BY your trauma and taking it on as your identity.

Ain’t no one got spare time, space, or energy for your hostile, manipulative, negatively slanted, antagonistic shit. 

Until we speak again…

See you in the Narc Collection. And Hail Your Self. 

Cheers, y’all.