HEY MOTHERFUCKER. 

HO, HO, HO, you’re getting some extra shows this month. The spirit has overtaken me. 

By the way, my name is Jess. Someone recently told me they’d been listening for months and just figured that out, so apparently I don’t say it often. I never said I was good at this.

Now, let’s talk about something I NEVER talk about. That thing is… sex. 

Sloppin Joes. Poundin hoes. Suckin toes. (ugh) I mean. Not me. But whatever you’re into. I think it’s great. For you. Don’t even look at my feet. 

As you can see, I joke when I’m uncomfortable. And nothing makes me more uncomfortable than strangers (or, actually, people I DO know who are pod-stalking me) thinking about me and bonin in the same string of thoughts. So, get ready for the innuendos to ease my pains. I’m going to try to use different ones than in the 2 episodes on the private stream, just to keep challenging myself and freshening the giggle pot. And things have already gotten… creative. So, I’m sorry. 

But let’s talk about burning bush. 

Okay, here we go. 

We Fuckers often have complicated relationships with our tender meats and intimate matters. 

There’s a tendency for our sexual habits and opinions to be unhealthy – male-fiting rather than benefiting us in the long run – in the usual directions that trauma brains move. Towards over-compensation (or, over doing it) or avoidance (or, under doing it). 

But what’s more complicating is, we’re often reacting to our own prior thoughts, feelings, and experiences… as we’re developing our next set of thoughts, feelings, and experiences. And, as a chronically traumatized person, we have such EXTREME experiences, that those adaptations we make can also be rather… intense. Not necessarily measured or holistically well strategized. Often falling into black or white terms. 

SO with each new experience, there’s the potential for us to form a completely new set of opinions and behavioral instructions, which might completely contradict what we previously thought we knew and needed to do. 

I.e. folks who overcorrect for being religious prudes into their early 20s and then go absolutely hog wild in the other direction as a testament to how much they righteously disagree with their own previous self and the people who pushed those beliefs on them. Or, the exact opposite of that. Wild childs who take a pious position later on, banishing boning from their existence entirely.

These adaptations happen throughout a life. As experiences and circumstances change, so do our programs around saucin and tossin. 

You with me so far? 

Great, now let’s add in the part where we don’t necessarily INTEGRATE these changing opinions and behavioral instructions throughout our entire beings. 

As in, we have Parts of our psyches that feel one way and stay with that rigid perspective, and other Parts that come to feel another way entirely. Each Part is certain that it knows the truth, and depending on which Part is activated in which moment, we’ll have a completely different outlook and set of actions at our disposal. 

Is that already explaining somethings? Hope so.

So, especially when we talk about sexual dysfunction in CPTSD, we have to talk about the things that have happened to us in the past, not only where we’re at in the present. There’s a good chance we’re still carrying those strong, oppositional, disintegrated programs, and they can pop up at any moment if the stimulatory events are right. 

Hey, stimulatory events. That wasn’t even supposed to be sexual, that was just behavioral speak. Got a free innuendo there. 

Point is, we have to look at:

How our early childhood experiences may have created youthful child parts with outdated views on boppin booty that we still carry. 

How our early sexual experiences added a new layer of learning and comprehension, which may have changed everything or solidified our past views. Were those first times magical? Or traumatic and eye-opening? 

How adulthood has shifted everything – from the relationships we’ve been in, to the roles we’ve had in and out of the house, to the survival responses we’ve possibly been trapped in for years, to the sexual assault and harassment we’ve picked up on the job, to our health – mentally and physically – and any medical factors that might now be at play. 

We have to look at our lives in snapshots… and also see how those pictures all come together, forming a massive mural, with each new photo that’s inserted both informing the rest to come and the entire view we’re adopting. 

We have to beware of the Parts inside of us that we could normally keep Exiled or repressed. The generally younger bits that have poorly informed views on sex, either due to no experience or inappropriate, manipulative experience. 

We have to beware of the Protective Parts that run the show. They keep us safe. They Manage the rest of our thoughts, feelings, and actions. They develop over time as we have more and more experience, sometimes opposing each other and sometimes ganging up together to form a united and unquestionable front of singular perspective. 

And… We have to beware of how we mayyyyybe Distract ourselves from pain, discomfort, and unmet needs with a giant coping crutch known as shooting our shot. If you’re lacking in the dopamine department, there’s almost always a solution right around waist height. Maybe you need someone else involved to fully comfort yourself, maybe you’re happy on your own. But the option is there. And it can be heavily relied upon. 

So, looking at our sex lives, assessing their health, and comprehending how we settled on the strategy that we’re currently using – or any strategy we used in the past? It’s not a pat and simple process. 

We, at the very least, need to discuss: 

Learned narratives in childhood

Learned protective strategies in adulthood

Contradictory messages & instructional systems between both

Use of sex and self-gratification for Distraction

So. Lettuce. 

The first thing to consider, in my view, is your childhood narratives around slurpin softies. What were the opinions expressed around you? What was talked about, what wasn’t? How were adults possibly inappropriate with you, and what did that tell you about your role in life versus the sexpectations placed on your head? How did the media you consumed influence your ideas? How did your peers? How did your social standing?

What was the childhood fantasy you developed about original sin?

Of course, those with childhood sexual abuse histories have a lot more to consider. I’m not your therapist and I’m not going to take anyone deeply into those nooks and crannies on a goddamn podcast. All I will say is, was your valuation of self possibly affected? What did you learn was safe and what was dangerous, and how did you need to act to be secure, from the perspective of being a child without a lifetime of better informed experience?

And remember, many of these youthful lessons? Are going to be encapsulated in “Exile” parts. Younger parts of our psyches that we developed, later deemed dangerous, and have tried to repress ever since. They might be hard to access and they might be very discrepant views from what you would consciously report today. 

Then, I suggest you consider how those narratives were affected by hitting adolescence. Did your Parts differentiate further? Perhaps those early childhood lessons were confirmed by early romantic experiences, perhaps not. Did your views change? Did your self-assessments? Did your behaviors? What were early experiences like for you, and did they instill any new lessons?

Again, these may be Exiled parts you’re dealing with. So their whimsical or damning views need not mean anything about you, now. There’s a great chance that you do not agree with what your teenage self asserted was sexual reality. But it’s still helpful to touch on those beliefs, because they do – at some level – still live inside of you. 

And, of course… How have THOSE ideas possibly also been overruled or exaggerated by the lessons learned as an adult? How have mature relationships shifted your relationship with clam slamming? How has the world? How has the neverending pressure factory known as being alive in a failing capitalistic society? How have your long-term relationships, in which it was dutiful to dig up bones?

From all of those factors, have you developed any new outlooks, safety strategies, or behavioral programs that seem to rule your WAPing? Perhaps, the answer is yes, but they contradict each other? Perhaps not – you are still operating on narratives from teenage fur trapping. Perhaps, you have no idea, but you’re positive that things have changed based on the outcome you’ve seen?

You might notice… your adult programs explicitly contradict your younger programs. And when there’s a threat of sex, your Exiled parts completely disappear as older, wiser, more rigid and concerned with responsibility, parts (known as Managers) take the steering wheel. Turning you off. Shutting snatches into dry, dark, bramble patches. 

OR, you might realize that the opposite happens. Your older, more adult, views on intimacy can be overridden in emotionally charged moments by your youthful, perhaps unwise, Exiled parts. All your abstinent intentions go out the window and you end up with a morning full of regrets, perhaps. 

Idunno, I can’t tell you what’s happening downstairs versus what the captain is calling for from the attic. But I can tell you there are a lot of oppositional programs we can develop over a lifetime, as inaccurate narratives are replaced by real world experiences – good and bad, accurately assessed or not – leaving our brains with confusion and congestion when it comes to poking patties. 

So. What have you been through and how did you adapt? How have your perspectives changed? How have you developed Parts that try to keep you protected? 

And… How are all of those efforts to adjust, recalibrate, and fortify your system against threat…. Maaaayyyybe not in your best interest? 

Perhaps all your needs aren’t being met. Maybe your relationship world has gotten very complicated. Potentially, it’s become very avoidant due to the ever-lingering risk of attracting unwanted interest. And it’s also possible… that you realize the very threat of having any expectation of sex placed upon your glowing goodies is the reason you’ve withdrawn from human connection. 

Or maybe that’s just me. 

Again, I can’t tell you. But I can tell you to also check out your relationship to sex, as a Distractor tactic. 

A lot of folks with dopamine deprived brains fall into the trap of using sexual stimulation as a comforting and coping tactic. Or, a way to be in the body without panicking. Or, a replacement for the many needs they aren’t able to fulfill. So, it becomes a crutch. 

In the same way we use drugs to change how we feel, we do the same with the muff we stuff. A bad day, a stressful outlook for tomorrow, boredom, loneliness, existential terror… all of it can be treated with a heavy hand of… well, heavy hands. Which has its share of pros and cons. 

Does it work? Yes, for a while. Does it often spin out of control and/or lose efficacy? Yep, sure does. Does it hold the potential for harming the people involved? You betcha. Even if it’s a one person party at the love shack. 

Why? Again, it comes down to, at a minimum, not recognizing or meeting all your needs. Using “touch” as a crutch. And allowing the deprived needs that are being masked by the self-gratification to continue festering, driving dissatisfaction no matter how many turns are taken in the tugboat. 

Or, if this isn’t a solo act, we can easily use that behavior to start meeting inappropriate needs that can become harmful to others, such as Power. Control. Predictability. Achievement. American Psycho, anyone? 

If we lose sight of the other person and only concentrate on getting what we think we need out of sex, we lose sight of the actual benefits of intimacy. Connection, mutuality, collaboration. And instead, it’s a hollow and ultimately stressful experience, just like the soldiers from our first episodes this year on Loneliness reported. The mojo dries up, and the mofo is still sad and alone with themself, unable to get their emotional needs met. 

SO, Fuckers. I’m not here to tell you that changing your approach to grinding gear is the right or wrong answer for you. I AM here to say, sex is complicated and inextricably linked with trauma as well as need fulfillment, self-esteem, and overall life satisfaction. So it’s worth checking out. 

And I strongly suggest you do it… through a lens of Parts. Perhaps, using the Internal Family Systems framework that we’ve been working with all year. 

Noting your Exiles – your younger views on mashing monsters that may get lost in the hustle or may take over when you weren’t originally planning to bust-le. Your Managers – the safety programs and regulations you’ve developed throughout adulthood, which may inhibit the Exiles to your own chagrin. And your Distractor Parts – the habitual ways that you cope with pain through disassociation, self-comfort, and limited needs fulfillment. The impulse to use gonadal gratification to escape the world. 

Then, placing those Parts and Programs in your past history, try to understand how they were developed. What adaptation do they represent? And, from there, re-informing the Parts that need to be updated on how you’ve grown and changed since they were first installed. So, perhaps, you can come to a more cohesive, conscious, and beneficial strategy when it comes to your explicit exploits. 

But hey, whatdoIknow.

Well… apparently I know about three hours of this discussion on stick and poke, because that’s what I put out already this month. If you’re wandering through a thick, impenetrable jungle of your own sexual dysfunction… I mean, I won’t say I’m “the guy” to ask. I’m not. But I will say, I’ve got some Fuckers thinking so far. And, hey, for a lot of our shameful parts, that’s a big part of the battle. 

So. Check those offerings out. Patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers. That’s where we’re wrapping up loose ends on our relationship discussion that ran through all of 2023. I’ve been putting out more content than any of us can believe, in doing so. And we’re already working on reflecting and re-envisioning for the new year there, as well. Jump in, so you don’t accidentally repeat this year when the calendar flips over in the next. Endless trauma loops, as we say. 

But that’s not… how we lay.

Alright, I’m out of slang, but I’ll talk to you guys around the holi-day. 

And until then?

HO, HO, HO.

Hail your sexual archeology, conducted through Parts and Protective Programs. 

Hail your sexual healing; aided greatly by understanding the litany of lifelong wounds you’re working with, and how those wounds may inspire you to act in ways that contradict each other. So you can create an integrated intimacy ideal and work towards bringing it into reality. 

Hail, ME, who’s getting over a decade-long avoidance of talking about sex. I have my reasons. Hear them in the private stream, but keep me out of your sweaty dreams.

And cheers, y’all.