The time comes for all of us; the family call to duty. And then what. We know it’s going to trigger unwanted trauma reactions. But resisting often feels futile, immoral, and socially-punishing.

Let’s talk about the dangers of family re-immersion for a healing trauma brain and what we can do to protect ourselves before the filial phonecalls start. 

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Transcript / Blog Version:

So let’s talk… family obligations and reimmersions into the whole system.

I’ve gotta assume, if you’re listening to this… your family has PTSD or significant mental illness. Probably, untreated generations of it. If you still don’t see it, yourself… I mean, how could you, this was your prevailing idea of normal. Besides, they SAY that they’re doing just fine. That this is how “humans are and relationships work.” And who are YOU to say otherwise?

Well, you’re probably just the right person to say otherwise, because you’re probably the only one who’s working on figuring out what “healthy humans and relationships” ARE. Maybe for the first time in your entire lineage. And it makes you one brave Motherfucker. Don’t ever let that perspective get distorted. We’ll return to it later for reinforcement.

But let’s also not fail to mention, people are excellent at masking and overcompensating for their mental ailments. Just like animals in the wild, we don’t like to show our weaknesses and pain points. But in the human species, we especially don’t like others knowing that our brains, of all things, have weaknesses and pain points. That’s enough to get you locked up or stoned to death, in our not so distant history.

So let’s all agree – your fam is probably a bit fucked. And that’s okay. We’ve ALL been fucked, before we sought any new information or help. They just might not be willing to catch up to where you are now.

But that can be a major problem, especially as we ARE attempting to recover and rewire our brains to create better lives than those who came before.

Let’s talk about getting re-immersed in the family structure. You know, for one reason or another.

If your response is “noooo, never,” you’re not alone. None of us WANT to go back there. We remember what it was like and we’ve seen the aftermath in our brains after every holiday visit. But the truth is, there will probably come a time when you maybe HAVE to. Or at least have to consider if you HAVE to.

A time when duty calls. When something goes wrong and it’s “the right thing to do” morally and/or socially, to pony up to offer your assistance. A time of filial obligation – or, the efforts we owe our clans in return for raising us. It’s a common theme across cultures, and the desire to fulfill our human duties is high.

Not to mention, desire to pacify or please our families? Is in our blood. Biologically, we’re tethered to them.

AND it’s sneakily sewn in through our veins… through the cycle of abuse that I’m guessing most of us have experienced, the result is a sustained effort to try to earn their high regard. You know by now, the cycle of intermittent reinforcement and punishment? It’s how we train dogs to consistently perform the tricks we teach them. Give them a treat once in a while, the brain will continue to follow a “maybemaybemaybe” pattern of hope that keeps it responding to the instructions as expected.

We don’t turn around and beat the dog afterwards – that’s the only real difference.

PLUS, we often are raised to feel responsible for the people who should have been responsible for us. We’re USED to taking care of them, whether that’s in physical, mental, or emotional ways. A lot of our families are less functional than we are, and we learned to compensate for their deficits by taking on the burden ourselves.

It’s just a lifelong pattern to put your self last, because someone else isn’t taking care of their own.

So, being called back home for similar reasons? Is no different. Our brains will tell us, yes, this is the correct thing to do. Even when our bodies are screaming “ah hell naw, this has never worked out positively in the past” and our trauma brains rightfully riot.

But who wins, our own instincts, emotions, and belief in past experiences? Or our belabored brains that just want to prove to everyone, our Selves included, that we’re good enough human animals?

Mhmm. For most of us, the trauma brain, social pressure, and desire to prove ourselves moral apes will win. Or we just can’t escape the situation, somehow; there’s no other option. Maybe it’s just the easier thing to do, than to face all the backlash. OR, you can’t morally live with yourself if you don’t do what seems right.

All of these things happen, and every situation is different. There’s no solution to save everyone across the board – sometimes we have to return to our homelands and associations.

Problem being, going back home to fulfill your family duties? Will put you directly in contact with factors that harm your brain and set you backwards in your recovery. Obviously.

The triggers? Are still there. The folks who implanted those programs in the first place? Are not so different as who they’ve always been. The expectations of you? Are probably similarly outrageous to every other time in history. And the attention paid to YOUR perspective of the whole matter? None. Moot point. This isn’t about YOU or what that means for YOUR BRAIN, it’s about taking care of THEM.

Perhaps… like it always has been. So, triggerings and parts activations? Likely.

On top of that, as we learned from the literature, this filial obligation setup in which you’re assisting a family member somehow creates a wonderful sense of 1) entrapment and 2) doubt of our own capacities to fulfill the needs of others while keeping ourselves afloat in those circumstances.

First up, entrapment. We can’t ESCAPE the situation that we never asked for. It’s not in our control how quickly someone heals or how rapidly some financial disaster can be settled. We can’t manhandle the situation. We’re just stuck, waiting for time and circumstances to pass. And nothing is worse than just waiting for something to happen. Especially if that something could be the final resting of a family member. A weird guilt fest is bound to happen there.

Secondly, talking about doubting our own capacities; meanwhile, as all this is happening, our brains are going off the motherfucking chain. Seeing what’s expected of them, versus what’s realistic for one person to accomplish sustainably for seemingly unending durations of time… it tells a brain that it can’t keep up, and maybe it never can. Not to mention (but here we go) that those child parts inside of you being activated and rising to power, creating a sense of self that’s fragmented and largely based on your capacity when you were knee-high.

So. Not a great combination. And it will lead to doubting your own ability to endure the situation without crumbling. This creates fear. And subjective experience of fear creates… trauma! PTSD! Or, a heavily re-ignited trauma brain, at the very least.

And that’s what we have to look forward to, for all of us who have any remaining family system. Your siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and beyond aren’t excluded from this conversation. Those brains all grew together. They’re all carrying the same family narratives and ailments, to some extent.

Which brings us to that next point. Yo, society is going to tell you that you can’t “opt out” of this family servitude. There should be undying gratitude for these people boning and bringing you – technically alive – to adulthood. And you’re the asshole if you turn your back on them for your own protection or life sustainment.

Mix this with any sense of loyalty or love for the folks in question, and you’ll have quite a battle of the brains going on. Knowing it’s going to hurt you, but also know that people are hurting and you wouldn’t want to be in the same shoes unsupported. Having empathy can be a real bummer. It’s a t-brain clusterfrack, when we feel for people who don’t feel for others.

So what’s a Fucker to do? Well, I can’t answer that for you. But I do have pointers, from having this exact situation come up for the third time while the MF inner circle shared their own wisdom.

It’s going to depend on your own degree of recovery, your ability to establish and enforce boundaries in the situation, the depth of family immersion involved, and the conditions of everyone surrounding the situation. You’ll have to get real with yourself about who these people were, who they are now, what happens historically, what could happen presently, what you’re hoping for as a result of the situation, and what you actually can contribute. As in, for how long can you lend what support, based on your lifetime of past experiences and trauma learning?

Think of your family. Are they physically dangerous? Psychologically nefarious? Still holding all grudges and victim narratives? Is anyone going to be reasonable? Are you going to be able to support your brain if they’re not? What’s the best case scenario, and what are the more likely outcomes?

Work through these points, sit with your Self, and decide how you can best proceed. What safety factors can you set up? What boundaries? What forms of support?

Also keeping in mind… the aftermath. How will you likely beat the shit out of yourself when all has come to pass? GUILT is the common response. So, how will you seek social support when it’s all said and done, in order to keep your perspectives out of the danger territory of flipping into self-condemnation?

I can’t answer any of that for you. It’s a situation by situation conversation. And it takes some reflection along with self-acknowledgement to come to the answers.

The thing I want you to remember is, a shared history means a shared traumatic past and a shared set of triggers that can drag you back, kicking and screaming, into it.

AND, family tethering, as it’s called, will stop you from progressing. That is, being stuck to your fam? Being a part of your family system without a predictable way out? Will not allow you to grow or change for the better. Those narratives they’re always repeating? Will corrupt your own perspectives. Those behaviors? Have been hardwired as call and response points for you, which you’ll really struggle to fight against. Those emotions? Are contagious. And their mental illness? Is still transmissible.

So. tread carefully. Maybe set your boundaries NOW, before anything even goes down. And if they didn’t prepare for their own future with that knowledge in hand… well… that’s a bummer. At least you tried to prompt them to help themselves – whether that horse drinks or not isn’t really your call.

Not to say that bitterness is the answer.

But, boundaries are. Including, boundaries with your self.

Do what you can do to protect yourself in that situation, preferably before it begins and definitely while you’re in the depth of it. If it’s on the horizon at any point, just get your gears in motion now. Start thinking through what “reasonable expectations” mean, and how to define them. Start getting that support network built up, so your brain doesn’t implode when left to its own devices. So you’re not alone with only your sense of entrapment and it’s close companion… defeat.

And that’s where we’ll pick up next time, when we talk about… entrapment and defeat. Trauma typical vibes that we need to shake off, before they become perpetually self-limiting programs… or worse. Prerequisites to ending it all.

And on that somber note… til we meet again…

Remember, you’re not alone. Even in family entrapment. Seek support. This topic was a big hitter in the community, because we all fear it, have been through it, or are deep in it. You’re in good company, no matter what.

So.

Hail your Self.

Hail your right to reasonable expectations and boundaries.

Hail Archie.

And cheers, y’all. See ya soon.