Notes: We have rigid rules about what needs are "allowed" for us in normal circumstances. Those rules often create webs of mandatory needs related to the original over-satiated needs. i.e. rigidly over-exercising -> medical...
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This is exactly what I think I have been looking for. Somewhere to put my thoughts, and get some feedback about it. The one thing, of many, that glares out at me is my self sabotage, which is always a part of my self-destruct pattern. Which brings me to the whole watching someone else spiral repeatedly, and get picked back up repeatedly. I guess I watched my mama do this, I don’t remember it explicitly but I know it. I have very few memories, and this feels like the emptiness that I feel ALL THE TIME. I have so much to say but I think I should give some context, so I don’t confuse myself or you. My primary event/s was the incest, which I guess, based on this one particular flashback, started at about 3 or 4. I know this because I can see it in the picture, in my minds eye. I can see the yellow dress, the green bedspread with little white pom-poms all over it, the afterneen sun coming through these sheer white, dingy curtains. Jesus, got a take a breath. Anyway, there was that, and then my oldest brother who was only a kid, but he was 18. My two uncles, one I was complicit the second time and carried on for a while. And this dance teacher, when I was in foster care. That’s just the sexual stuff, so you know where I get any value from or feel any worth. Also my father was always beating up my mama and one of my brothers, and me sometimes. Like I said, I have flashbacks, but not a lot of memories to go on. I do think watch my Grandma rescue my mama over and over, when I was 17 onwards, maybe I’ve done that with the alcohol and my husband finally being warm and loving in tactile way. I don’t know. I don’t know where to start, I can relate to so much, so specifically, but it doesn’t seem to help me get any closer to my SELF. It’s like I’m just circling the wagons of the SELF 😭🤬🫥
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This is exactly what I think I have been looking for. Somewhere to put my thoughts, and get some feedback about it. The one thing, of many, that glares out at me is my self sabotage, which is always a part of my self-destruct pattern. Which brings me to the whole watching someone else spiral repeatedly, and get picked back up repeatedly. I guess I watched my mama do this, I don’t remember it explicitly but I know it. I have very few memories, and this feels like the emptiness that I feel ALL THE TIME. I have so much to say but I think I should give some context, so I don’t confuse myself or you. My primary event/s was the incest, which I guess, based on this one particular flashback, started at about 3 or 4. I know this because I can see it in the picture, in my minds eye. I can see the yellow dress, the green bedspread with little white pom-poms all over it, the afterneen sun coming through these sheer white, dingy curtains. Jesus, got a take a breath. Anyway, there was that, and then my oldest brother who was only a kid, but he was 18. My two uncles, one I was complicit the second time and carried on for a while. And this dance teacher, when I was in foster care. That’s just the sexual stuff, so you know where I get any value from or feel any worth. Also my father was always beating up my mama and one of my brothers, and me sometimes. Like I said, I have flashbacks, but not a lot of memories to go on. I do think watch my Grandma rescue my mama over and over, when I was 17 onwards, maybe I’ve done that with the alcohol and my husband finally being warm and loving in tactile way. I don’t know. I don’t know where to start, I can relate to so much, so specifically, but it doesn’t seem to help me get any closer to my SELF. It’s like I’m just circling the wagons of the SELF 😭🤬🫥