You’ve decided to enact new behaviors to change your life… only to find you can’t actually put them into practice. You stall out and revert to old programs to your own bewilderment. Something is stalling progress from the inside.

Let’s talk about self-limiting strategies for living spawned by trauma. And the ways they become “default modes” of daily existence. 

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Transcript / Blog Version:

So as long as we’ve been talking about things that stall us out and hold us up in our progress… let us never fail to mention another very serious challenge we all face. Something that can keep us living in misery and self-abandonment. Something that feels cruel, oppressive, and unchangeable. Something that we can’t possibly escape, we are truly obligated to it.

It’s… us. Our damn selves. Or, more specifically, the ways our brains develop to shut down our damn Selves.

Meaning, it’s the rules we create for ourselves to stay safe. And how those adaptive plans, narratives, and instructions go on to become daily hindrances to actually living. To being our full selves. To experiencing all that the planet and this lifetime have to offer.

Yes, we’re talking about avoidance and over-attachment traps, of course. We tend to overcompensate for the things that we observe fearfully or painfully, and never want to repeat those lessons. So, we logically try to stay away from similar situations and stimulation to just cut out those most difficult parts of life down the line.

BUT… we’re also talking about… “Parts.” Parts of our psyche. Of our memory systems. Of our typical behavioral programs. Parts of our personalities. If you’re not on the Parts-train yet, don’t worry, because we’ll be revisiting the disassociative identity disorder spectrum topic.

But for today, all we need to accept is that we create separate, distinct, versions of ourselves when we undergo t-words in life AND when we’re just plain old adapting to the general t-word that IS becoming an adult and functioning in our brutal society. We enter the world as a beautiful, untouched, authentic being without any self-judgment or fear of what might happen next.

And over time… we lose that. Little by little. We separate pieces of ourselves from our larger selves, hide them away, or just forget about them through chronically failing to use those portions of our brains.

And in this way, we seemingly “lose” pieces of us.

Problem being, 1) we notice that we’re being whittled down by the world and don’t feel very positively about it. There’s a lot of stress about “losing ourselves” or lamenting a lost version of us from the past, as we don’t feel like our whole, embodied, Self. 2) when we DO activate those parts again – the ones that were formed by traumas or other shameful deactivations – we find that they hold a lot of grudges. Those trauma-born parts were split off for a reason, and that reason is the painful memories they contain. Even moreso, the shame that surrounds those recollections… because, like we’ve stated ten times already, PTSD is all about the aftermath. Left alone to decide how we suck the most after a negative event, we end up placing the blame on some iteration of ourselves. And those condemning judgements don’t go away when left unexamined. The feelings don’t fade. That’s why we splintered these thoughts and memories off, in the first place.

So… when those parts are activated? All the inner criticism comes roaring back to life, along with the behaviors – internal and external – that go along with. Including, tons of avoidance and self-hiding instincts.

Meaning, in the context of this self-limiting conversation… many of our parts contain shame and fear that shut down certain behaviors. They contradict things we INTEND to enact. Thoughts we TRY to foster and solidify. New perspectives that we’re forming and attempting to validate. Even different emotional states that we’re trying to make our new daily standard.

Those newer behaviors all go out the window, and, instead, are replaced by the contents of those old parts.

PLUS, our parts have a bad habit of fighting amongst each other. THIS version of you wants you to go for walks and meditate daily, has REALLY been trying to journal regularly, and doesn’t see the world as an endless source of stanking defeat. But… THIS other version is pretty sure you’re despicable and life is pain, so you should probably just shuttup, serve everyone as usual, and return to bed.

Meaning, when our personalities become dis-integrated – when our full selves are split apart, by a new trauma or triggering of an old event – we can become stalled out in life without any seemingly “safe” options for moving forward. One part of your brain says “green light,” another part says “motherfucking red.” And you get caught in the crossfire, unsure what to do and feeling out of control of the whole situation.

Now, take this ten steps deeper and refer to the prior episode about the DMN, to understand how uncontrollable these happenings truly are. That’ll keep you thinking for a few months, if you’re me.

Brain detects something fearful that you aren’t even consciously aware of? Find yourself tossed into one of your fear-based parts. And then find yourself feeling like your brain has a life of its own, as all of your intentions and prior thoughts are rapidly replaced. How many times has that happened in your life? How has it held you back?

And this is why Self-limiting beliefs – something we spent a lot of time talking about this past fall – go so much deeper than just “self-limiting BELIEFS” in CPTSD cases. They become self-limiting methods for existing.

Because, yes, we have Self-limiting beliefs (or SLBs), being thoughts that we’ve thought so many times, we don’t even actively think them anymore. They’re just known “facts” in our brains. Things we truly believe about ourselves and existence. AKA – I’m a failure and the world is a misery factory.

But we have a lot more than beliefs holding us down.

We also have self-limiting thoughts, or actively working assessments of self that stream between the ears. So, when a negative event happens, we analyze the situation and determine in the moment (or shortly thereafter) that “clearly, this is because I did X, Y, or Z.” A NEW Self-limiting belief, before it’s been fully cemented into your core.

We also have self-limiting EMOTIONS. Shame and fear, obviously being the top contenders. Sadness, guilt, defeat, and entrapment fall into this category too. Or, you can also consider these to be self-limiting moods, when those emotions aren’t allowed to be experienced, placed, and faded out. All of which, will shut down our broader, grander, newer thoughts, plans, and activities, as we’re launched into a depressive, distressed, or numbed state.

Plus, we have self-limiting BEHAVIORAL PATTERNS, which are born from repetition of the same actions over and over again. For instance, sure, avoidance is a big one. Mental activities like obsession fall here, too. But also, when we go through life “performing” in the ways that will keep us alive… those behaviors come with the opportunity cost of everything else we’re NOT allowing ourselves to do. So, over time, you fall into a routine where you don’t even assess it as being a possibility to engage in other behaviors. It doesn’t even cross your mind OR, you’re so filled with anxiety considering the idea that you don’t ever get started. Those “safe” behaviors that you’re repeating all the time? Might actually be dwindling down your full catalog of alternative actions. Behavioral opportunity cost, creating limitations.

AND, lastly, we have self-limiting STRUCTURES in our lives. Often ones that we, ourselves, create. Things we feel we can’t leave – situations and life frameworks that feel permanent and unquestionable, or become such massive parts of our egos that we don’t know who we are without them. For instance, belief systems, certain jobs, marriages, places we live, or lifestyles we embark on and commit to. Once they’re in place, we feel safe in the container they create. Unfortunately, often failing to realize that there’s so much more to see outside those cages. Even routines can become self-limiting structures when they become too rigid. See prior point on behavioral patterns becoming a hindrance.

And once we’re living with limiting thoughts, beliefs, emotions, behavior patterns, and structures sewn into our heads? With a brain that’s trigger-happy and ready to throw us into a spiral of doom? When that terror engages distinct pieces of our personalities that feel “outside of us,” un-managable, or foreign in some way?

Then… we’re running a life on limitation. A mode of limitation. Limitations we learned, first, from the outside. Which becomes limitations that we hold ourselves to, from the inside.

And what’s a motherfucker to do?

Well… first of all, know that you’re not losing your fucking mind when this happens. Your mind is here, working its hardest to keep you safe. You may have lost full CONTROL of your brain, if you aren’t intentional about noticing what’s happening and bringing yourself back to baseline. But your brain isn’t actually splintered or damaged. It’s not irreparable. You can re-integrate yourself and choose your own cognitive programs when the distress passes out of your system.

Secondly, be kind to yourself. Don’t try to strong-hold your brain too hard, or you’ll become obsessive. Don’t shame yourself further about the unwanted brain events, or you’ll drive yourself further into your dis-integrated parts. Basically, don’t fear your own self, because that’s what created this mess in the first place.

Thirdly, practice your grounding and centering skills, and seek helpful perspectives that match the healthy ones you may have lost through the course of the triggering event. Get yourself back in your body. Learn to bring that body back to homeostasis. And don’t go it alone – talk to people who understand what’s happening who can help dispel some of those self-limiting defense mechanisms by validating and reinforcing your in-development cognitive programs.

And, of course, do the inner work to try to better understand those parts. Because they aren’t going to go away. You might as well learn to work WITH them, holistically, than to battle against them, continually driving yourself into a fragmented psyche, internally.

Then? You immersion-therapy the hell out of yourself to find out what limitations are real, and solidify the truth about everything you’re really capable of.

So… if you want help with that? If “parts” still don’t quite fit for you? If you’ve heard a bunch about the root of CPTSD being contained in your childhood and trauma-reactive parts, but still haven’t figured out how to make contact yet?

Well… we got an episode for you, comin up next.

Let’s meet here again to talk about our disintegrated personalities, in a way that makes more sense and explains your experience more than it might originally seem to. And if you really want to dive into self-limitation as well as parts work? Hit up that big daddy podcast stream, safely hidden away from the abusers in mine own life at patreon.com, search “traumatized motherfuckers.” I promise, there’s a whole lot of episodes you want to hear.

Til we hang again, Fuckers…

Hail your Self. The full, unlimited version.

Hail your parts and adaption, through hindering programs.

Hail Archie, who challenged SO MANY of my self-limitations.

And cheers, y’all. Let’s rap again soon.