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~~Now on to the transcript~~

Though most of us have decided our field of fucks has gone barren, and we have none to give other humans anymore… Let’s talk about some extra F’s we DO have to give in relationship. Maybe, not purposely. Not consciously. And definitely, not for the best relationship dynamic possible. 

We all know about the 4 Fs. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. They’re old hat at this point. They describe a lot of our trauma reactions. 

We thrash against our assailer. We run from them. We recognize they’re too large to combat, and play dead. Or we try to appease the situation by becoming whoever we have to be, in order to calm the person down. 

But do these reactions describe EVERYTHING we experience after a triggering? I say, nay. 

A few years ago I mentioned two additional F’s that seem to pop up, especially in relationship. And now I’m seeing them hitting the memes once in a while. Seems like I was on to something… So why not go back and hit those points again, in a deeper discussion, as we continue talking about confronting relationship issues through the literature?

So when we talk about F responses, we’re discussing our automatic programming that’s often contained in the body or lower brain. Our rudimentary processes for staying alive. Problem is, they’re applied to relationships and other non-actual-life threatening situations, after those have been perceived as painful, destructive, and survival-challenging.

Which, you know… losing your social support, your life structure, and your mental control after a hurtful relationship, interpersonal trauma, or betrayal DOES feel like it’ll put you in the grave. So it’s really no mystery why we end up reacting to our relationship partners as if they’re wild bears. 

Humans NEED other humans to thrive. And when our relationships aren’t trustworthy, they can create massive damages in our mental health, physical health, life functionality, and outward success. So instinctive reactions to keep ourselves protected in relationship? It all tracks from our human biology perspective. Even if it makes no sense from the outside, you’ve possibly been harsh on yourself for those missteps, and so have others. 

So, seems like a good time. Let’s talk about extra Fs you might want to be on the lookout for, in yourself and in others, as you work on forming better lationships. Moving beyond the well-accepted 4… what additional self-protective strategies do we engage in difficult times? Probably, completely subconsciously? 

Welp. The 5th F you might want to know about? 

Fronting. 

Fronting, in my book, is when we “show up.” When we decide who we’re supposed to be in a given situation – possibly automatically, unconsciously – and push that identity to the forefront. It’s when we “puff ourselves up.” Trying to appear larger than we really are. Stronger. More self-assured. It’s a defense mechanism as much as it’s an offense mechanism. 

So, like a puffer fish, we assess that there’s a dangerous situation going down. We feel too small, too incapable, too vulnerable in our normal form. And as a response, we transform ourselves into a bigger fish. Pick a different identity out of the stack, and see if that’s the correct option to make this problem go away, like water off a Fucker’s back. 

In other words… “If you’re going to come at me aggressively? Too emotionally? Too overwhelming, in one way or another? Well, I’m going to inflate the personality traits inside of myself to fend you off.”

Me, personally? I’ll put on my intellectual and aloof face. Too smart to be touched by your silly attacks. Too unconcerned with the nonsense to let it touch me. Too tough to be bothered by yet another yappy cuntmuffin, nippin’ at my ankles. Too goddamn busy to give this bait any attention. 

But is that a genuine representation of myself? 

Oh, fuck no. It’s just a front. A facade. A face that hopefully pushes other people away, and protects me from their worst behaviors. 

There’s a lot more underneath, my full Self is highly compassionate, empathetic, and programmed to be a helper… but all of those things have had negative consequences in similar situations. So instead… let me just be THIS GUY. One part of my personality that cuts out all the dangerous attributes, and forces the other person to change their tune, as well. 

If you don’t play into the relationship dynamic (especially, if you can just shut it right down) the other party HAS to change their behaviors. They might escalate at first, but eventually they’ll go away to lick their wounds and choose a new tactic. That’s the purpose of the Fronting reaction. 

So, when we say we come into a relationship “fronting” with a particular part? That’s the egoic identity that we’re comfortable with others seeing. We show up as THIS human. Maybe it’s our most dominant, default, identity, across the board. Or maybe it changes depending on the circumstances. 

And when we say there’s a conflict that causes us to “Front” with a defensive part? That’s the trauma reaction of raising the fur on our haunches, in human form. Noting a perceived danger or upset we don’t want to deal with. And then being whoever and whatever we’re supposed to be in this situation to keep the relationship dynamic in line. Under control. Far away from our more vulnerable bits and personal fears. 

So. We might get tough. Closed off. Smug. Condescending. Too intellectually reliant for our own good. Cold. Reductive. Did you want to talk about that, really? Do you WANT to go there? Because my brain is going to wrap it in logic and toss it aside, I won’t be touched emotionally by your silly games. 

We also could be violent, aggressive, and threatening. Not ACTUALLY fighting, but showing our teeth. Letting them know that we COULD. LOOK how strong, smart, funny, and/or scary I can be… did you still want to push at this issue with me? Do you still want to challenge my perception of myself? Do you want to keep suggesting that I’m weak or incapable? 

We project a strong face outwards, to spare what we’re hiding and fearing inside. 

On the other hand, we could turn to things like spiritual bypassing for our Fronting behavior. Being too pious, too good, too enlightened, to engage with the junk being put on our plate. “Just leave it to Jesus!” or “I can’t let this affect my energy” are both Fronting behaviors. “I just leave it up to god, I don’t worry about the things you worry about.” 

These tactics assert that you’re holding an identity that can’t be touched by the information presented. So just keep movin with it. 

And it’s the same defense mechanism as getting larger and more volatile, at the end of the day. Pushing away other people’s thoughts, feelings, and needs with a chosen identity framework that we feel relatively good about showing to others, as a way to manage the outer experience, as a way to manage our own inner experience. 

So. That’s Fronting! Engaging the identities we’re most comfortable with, to compensate for the situation at hand, the person we’re dealing with, and the pieces of us that we’re trying to shield on the inside. Then we don’t have to fully contend with any of it! No emotional space to spare, sorry, you’re going to have to take this attempt at connection or conflict elsewhere. 

Check it out, you’ll see that 99% of human interactions are just Fronting experiences. And that’s why they feel so fucking terrible for TMFRs, who really crave authenticity and interactions that aren’t based on falsities or control tactics. If you’re like me and don’t want to bother with other people most of the time… it might be a Fronting personality, showing up to shut down the riskier option of trying to connect. Because you’re always detecting the Fronting behaviors of OTHERS, which sets your defenses right off. 

So, question how often OTHERS are Fronting. But also, when YOU’RE Fronting. Showing up with a purposeful identity, instead of being your damn self. Come hell or high water. 

And consider how this ties into offering true vulnerability, intimacy, and trust in your relationships. Most likely, there’s none to be found, if everyone is self-protecting. 

Can you drop your fronting identities? Can you spot them as they’re emerging? Can you learn to notice and truncate that reaction before it outwardly presents? 

Can you return to being your full Self, instead of puffing up with an egoic presentation?

And can you see how it allows others to do the same, if you start out with lowering your Fronting face first? Go vulnerable when they go shut down? Disarm them? Or leave them alone, to come down and disarm themselves? 

Hmmm. Big questions and big experiments that none of us want to answer or engage with.

But here’s another one.

How often are you not Fronting… but doing the opposite in your relationships? 

Feigning. 

So the 6th F that I consider pretty goddamn common in relationship… is doing the polar opposite of Fronting. Instead of presenting a stronger, tougher, self-protective face, we show a weak, helpless, wounded, one. And ask OTHERS to protect us, for us. 

Now, if you’re up on the covert or vulnerable narcissist conversations that have been taking place for a few years, you’ve probably had some experience with seeing this. Vulnerable narcissists operate by making themselves more powerful – using others to create that stability – through, bafflingingly, acting as if they have no power. Playing the victim to build control, indirectly, in the relationship. 

Feigning pain, suffering, helplessness, low self-confidence, incapacity. Putting the ball in the other person’s court and asking them to make some 3-pointers on our behalf. Rather than becoming BIGGER, we become smaller. Rather than showing we’re strong and untouched by the other party, we demonstrate that we fully rely on them. 

And hope that they Fawn over us. Becoming the supportive counterpart to our codependent strategy. Dropping whatever complaints or concerns they had, because WE have much greater ones. And because of them, we deserve a lot of leeway, a lot of help, a lot of unconditional love and extra opportunities. 

People feign that we’re less-than, instead of better-than. And ask someone else to play parent, since we can’t care for ourself. Playing on and manipulating the emotions and actions of others, so we don’t have to manage them on our own. 

And that’s Feigning. 

Can you think of times that people have Feigned at you? Perhaps a coworker who couldn’t manage their duties, and got you to take on half of their assignments? A romantic partner or friend who couldn’t be responsible for their own actions, so you needed to carry the whole relationship? A family member who apparently can’t function in their own life, so it’s your job to keep them afloat? 

No matter how hard you try to help, they’re still unable to stand on their own feet. If you ask anything of them, they seem to get even less capable. And eventually they’ll blame YOU for anything that goes wrong, because it’s YOUR job to keep everyone swimming along. Creating a hypervigilant pattern of codependency, where you perpetually caregive and they only ever caredemand? 

Do you see any connection between your Fawning behaviors and other people’s Feigning reactions? Can you spot times that you attempted to open a difficult conversation, only for it to be turned around and redirected towards the suffering of the other individual? Have you ever attempted to resolve a problem, only to be told that the problem is unresolvable unless you shoulder the entire burden, in perpetuity? 

Has anyone ever Feigned their way out of responsibility, and put all the weight on your head, instead? 

Betcha can. Check your most stressful relationships. The ones that leave you drained and deprived. 

And, unfortunately… you know where this is going.

Can you spot any times in your own life that YOU’VE been the Feigner? 

Considered yourself broken to get by? Too emotionally distraught to “be right” in a relationship, and put all the pressure on the other party? Felt you were unable to make a single move, yourself, so someone had to push your boulder up the hill for you? 

Found someone comin at you with demands or expectations that freaked you out, and felt yourself dragged backwards in time to a younger identity, who felt fully vulnerable and at-risk? Presenting that face outwards, and finding that the other person loosened their demands and tried to help?

Sorry Fucker, you been Feigning. 

The good news is, we’ve all done it. And probably not on purpose. 

Don’t judge yourself for the accidental manipulation. It’s a logical, automatic, learned behavior. But DO question where it came from – what program is inside of you that still authentically feels as though it can’t make a positive difference in the situation that comes to mind? Which part of you isn’t recognizing its own power and capability? Which part feels as though it’s reliant on others, probably because you never received the support you needed from the very beginning of your life? 

And can you be more mindful of Feigning, from here on out? Notice when you’re doing it. When others are doing it. And empower everyone to recognize their own ability to help them damn selves, rather than enabling the helpless routine, which never helps a single person. Taking a broader perspective, are any of us TRULY incapable of making a beneficial move? Or is it easier to lean on those ideas, than to strike out and really try?

Spoilers: it is. 

At the same time, my Fucker, don’t forget the other end of the spectrum. 

Fronting. 

Don’t slip into a fake identity to avoid the perceived-busted one. Don’t go all egoic when you feel challenged – it literally never helps anyone or any situation. Don’t put on a “strong face” in accordance with what your family programming taught you, for the love of Satan. 

And don’t allow others to do it to you, either. When you sense inauthenticity or oversimplified views shutting down your concerns, back out of the conversation until they can come down and put their feet back on the ground. If someone is Fronting at you, it suggests that they’re fearful and losing their grip on their Self (capital S). 

So check for triggers. What are YOUR Fronting and Feigning triggers? And… hard one… what ABOUT YOU can trigger others into the same reactions? 

Be mindful. And you can start to understand the patterns, so you can put a halt to the behaviors before anyone is driven fully into a reductive, self-protective program. 

If you find yourself or anyone else vascillating back and forth between Fronting and Feigning, consider what parts are battling inside. 

I’d guess, it’s a conflict between Exiles and Protectors. Exiles, stating that they’re too wounded to function as demanded. Protectors, insisting that they’re running the show and operating a tight ship, with no time for your concerns. Weak, shamed parts and strong, preferred parts, bouncing off each other, seeking safety. Wild shifts in behavior taking place all the while. 

And be sure to be on the lookout for these F cycle patterns in others, too. Hot and cold behaviors? Inconsistent sense of Self in your partner? Oppositional ideas about being THE SHIT or… an absolute piece of shit? We’re talking about deeply engrained trauma reactions, possibly seen through Fronting and Feigning back and forths. 

My guess is? You’ll feel it when they’re showing up with self-protection on the brain. And you should listen to your guts. You’ll notice it in your body when an inauthentic part presents, whether the other person is playing Puffer fish or bait minnow. 

And from there, you can remove yourself. Give the situation some space. Give the neurons in question a chance to deactivate and decompress. Give room for better perspectives to arise. Ideally, give them a chance to get to therapy and figure out what’s really triggering them. 

And try again, from a less confronting or self-protective place. So you’re not trapped in a relationship that’s volleying between two people’s F reactions, rather than real responses you both feel good about. 

Check your F’s. Fight, flee, freeze, fawn, front, and feign. Check how they correspond to parts. And start doing work with those programs you’ve coded over the years.

Open up more opportunity for vulnerability, intimacy, and trust in your social attempts, Fucker. Rather than trying to create a trauma-healing relationship from a bunch of Fing trauma-instinctive behaviors that extend beyond Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. 

And that’s a wrap!

For a lot more on relationships in CPTSD, you know. Use that Patreon search bar. Just type “relationships” and tap into what we’ve already said over the years about traumatic dynamics and patterns. Including, how this all relates to the early experiences we did and didn’t receive with our families, creating cyclical abuse patterns and self-fulfilling prophecies. 

And be sure to tune into the upcoming months of material, as we keep working through creating and rectifying healthy relationships, from the t-brain, outwards. 

I’ll see ya there! I’ll see ya here! And til then…

Hail yourself. 

Hail your well-meaning instincts. But keep a fucking eye on them. 

Hail Archie.

And cheers, y’all.