My Fuckers. Hey there. 

Thanks for stopping by and listening to my Spotify for Podcasters ad (assuming that’s still rolling at YOUR time of hitting play). Little known fact: by listening to those, you help me earn a fraction of a cent. And, truly, facetious nature aside, the support is appreciated. And hey, I try to spice them up a little each month for that purpose. So, if you could tune in to my zest, OR hit mute and let that baby play out if you don’t want to hear my voice anymore… well… Markus Barkus and I really thank you for the contribution. 

Alright – onto our real business today.

What NOT to say to people if you don’t want to have a big fucking interpersonal explosion on your hands or don’t want to permanently marr the relationship with some insensitive, unthoughtful, reactionary garbage flowing from the teeth region. 

In other words, we’re returning to the NonViolent Communication discussion to talk about the specific impacts of various words, approaches, and attempts at connecting that often go awry. Just in time for the holidays, so hopefully the days and weeks surrounding those landmine events are a little less tenuous for all of us. 

2023 has been all about relationships… and although we have ambivalent feelings about our families in a lot of cases, the question is: Do you want to continue the same conflictual shit patterns with them as always? Do you want to pass that stress onto everyone else around you? Do you want to break away from them completely, going the NC route? Or do you simply want to be able to exist in their presence, when necessary, without a nuclear bomb going off?

… Or does it not matter what you want, you just need to get through these next two fucking months without your head collapsing, however possible? 

Well, regardless, NVC can make the plight easier. By using the 4 step process for communicating directly yet intimately, as we’ve discussed previously. By keeping the root of our misery in mind: our many, many, deprived needs and their tendency to become unpleasant emotions that we fling onto others. And, today, by tapping into these ten phrases that no one should ever use in the process of a vulnerable conversation… but yet… oh, how we do. 

So, the idea is… by recognizing your own tendency to use these conversational approaches, you can curb the accidental replay of interpersonal drama that they will bring to the table. And by recognizing WHY people around you might utilize these tactics – often, I believe, mindlessly and by accident – you can possibly also have a healthier reaction to them within your own system. 

I.e. you can notice that they just said one of the ten outlawed phrases, recall that it’s probably not a sign of personal attack against you but a sign of personal ineptitude within their own brain, feel those outraged feelings… but also have the mind NOT push that nuclear button, which you would regret later after everyone decided YOU were the asshole for having feelings about the careless nonsense that was thrown your way. 

Sounds helpful? Yeah, I’m hoping that it’s helpful.

So, today, I have for you ten responsive phrases “slash” conversational approaches that – according to the NVC experts – Marshall Rosenberg and his friend Holly Humphrey – are NOT helpful when they land uponst the ears of a communication partner.

They are:

1 Advising: “I think you should . . . ” “How come you didn’t . . . ?”

2 One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”

3 Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just . . . ” 

4 Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”

5 Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time . . . ”

6 Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”

7 Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing . . . ”

8 Interrogating: “When did this begin?”

9 Explaining: “I would have called but . . . ”

10 Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

And let’s SUPER briefly give a breakdown of each one, from both the receiving and giving perspectives. 

SO, you or someone else uses the 4 step NVC process to get their emotions and needs in order. You or they go to another human and make their disclosure. Perhaps there’s a request inside of that disclosure for help from the other party. The whole thing is difficult, it’s confronting, it takes a lot of courage and optimistic hope that it will be worthwhile….

And in response? The other person goes into the mode of:

1 Advising: “I think you should . . . ” “How come you didn’t . . . ?”

The message received from this? “Oh, okay then, it’s my fault.” If you’re being told “the answer is simple, it’s THIS!” you aren’t receiving emotional validation or connection – what you were probably looking for, on some level. Instead, the issue is being boiled down to “yeah duh” nuts and bolts, and you’re being directed to start wrenching. Ps – don’t even get me started on the word “should.” I’ve railed on it many times before. 

Why do people do this? Because they don’t WANT or CANNOT empathize with you. They don’t have cognitive or emotional space to offer and/or can’t be bothered to create space. So they thoughtlessly toss a “fix” at you in an attempt to fix the problem for everyone. You resolve your issue, you go away, they don’t have to deal with the emotional or need-based thing you’re bringing to them anymore… which is probably a way they neglect themselves so therefore they don’t want to hear about it because they don’t have the capacity to handle it, even on their own. 

Therefore, they treat you the way they treat them. They cut out the emotions and go into “just deal with it” territory from a forced, protective, part of their programming. One that probably causes them to be someone who “just moves forward” in life but has deep wells of undealt with pain they carry. 

Kindof sad, huh? Don’t advise people! It insults them by reducing their issue to a simple matter, the word “should” implies guilt, and the whole thing shuts their emotional experience down!

Moving on!

2 One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”

So this approach tells the receiving party “your experience doesn’t matter because of MINE!” which is problematic for more reasons than we can go into here. It’s abusive, first of all, telling them that their perceptions don’t matter in comparison to others. They are lesser. And it misses the entire theory of mind, secondly. Hey. If something is significant to a brain, it’s significant to that brain… even if it seems insignificant to you. Doesn’t matter; different animals, different electrified jello molds in the skull, different experiences and perceptions of those experiences. 

Why do people do this? Well, I really think most of us DO lack a solid grasp on theory of mind. We DO believe that telling our stories changes the perspectives of people around us, built on their own stories. Which, short of a charismatic cult leader, really isn’t the case. And also, I think some folks have been taught that this IS how you connect with others. Swap stories. Try to prove yourselves superior. That’s how friendship works! By brutal force, controlling the presentation of your ego, and intimidating comparison!

Well, maybe for some families, but not the rest of us. Don’t be a one-upper. Let people have their experience and receive connection around it, too.

Next!

3 Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just . . . ” 

Ah yes, the one I struggle with in tandem with Advising. The intentions are good, the execution is where things fail. 

SO, it says to the other person “don’t FEEL about this from your experience, just look at it from MY view and here’s what you should see and do, instead.” It skips over the vulnerable, intimate, connection part and flips into practical steps and attempts at forcing mental reframes. Which, again, just doesn’t work the way that we hope it would. One brain usuallllyyyy isn’t instantaneously relieved by hearing the logical comprehension of an issue via another. Oh, but we try. 

Why do people do this? Like I said, I think it’s an honest attempt to try to help, in most cases. You feel uncomfortable, you can’t be as emotional as this person seems to want you to be, and you think you know something relevant that could circumvent the whole issue… BUT, just like Advising, it skips over the emotions and tries to shove easy answers down someone else’s prefrontal cortex. 

So. If you’re inclined to share knowledge that has helped you in the past, as I am, just remember… First the person needs to feel seen in their present, so they have the capacity to accept your logical reasoning. And from there, you can just ask if they want to hear what you have learned already. 

Moving on!

4 Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”

Yuck. I don’t know about you, but when I hear this I hear “bullshit bullshit bullshit.” 

First of all, I don’t believe in “fault” or “blame” in 99% of cases, so that’s not what’s on my mind… don’t PUT it on my mind. Secondly, something not being my fault doesn’t make me feel better, it makes me feel LESS in control, which is frightening. Trauma problems. Third of all, you don’t know. I just told you a 20 second rundown of an experience and you say “it’s not on you, you did your best”? Huh? Where is that assessment coming from, because I promise, you’re missing a lot of details that I’ve been obsessively analyzing. DID I do my best? Because THAT’s what’s on my mind… and usually there’s a reason or two causing me to say “no.” 

People do this to be comforting – sure. I think there are plenty of folks who DO believe in blame and are thrilled to live a life in which they manage to dodge all of it… so yeah, this IS what they want to hear for that shallow, surface level, human-validated relief. Therefore, they give it out or have been trained to. 

And also, I think it’s a cheap way to pass over the problem without understanding the mental and emotional weight of it fully. Sortof like when YOUR dog dies versus when someone ELSE’S dog dies. “Hey, dogs die, it’s not your fault, you’ll get a new one who you’ll love dearly, as well.” doesn’t really hit the mark as the person inside the experience. But from the outside perspective – yeah, it’s not wrong. It’s a fact of life sortof issue. Dogs die too early, it’s no one’s fault. That’s what they know to be true and they just want you to feel as little about it as they do.

But… it doesn’t work that way. 

So. Don’t “unfault” people right out of the gate and pat them on the head for “doing their best.” It’s a very juvenile-targeted approach to comforting someone. We aren’t toddlers anymore and it doesn’t pacify a lot of us the same way. You know, bible thumpers and similarly minded people, excluded. In which case, repent, it’s not your fault, and you’re fine. Pat pat pat. 

Continuing!

5 Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time . . . ”

File this one alongside “one-upping,” amiright? It’s the same sortof approach with the same effect on the receiver. Someone ripping the mic out of your hand and dominating the conversation that wasn’t intended to be about them. So, you really hear that you aren’t worth listening to and your experience – once again – doesn’t matter. Especially in the context of OTHER people’s experience. 

Why do people do this? I think 1) an attempt at empathizing and educating, through backdoor means. Which CAN be helpful, if done with the right timing. Straight out the gates? Not usually the right timing. 2) people have been rigidly programmed to believe that conversation has to follow a flow of equal parts back and forth, immediate responses. So their reply to your disclosure is just that – a response to fill the silence and (in their mind) keep the conversational flow going. Just… in YOUR mind it’s like a record scratching and the end of any easy communicative progress. 

Story telling takes the focus off the person who needs (and requested) it. It teaches them not to bother trying to talk to you anymore, because their words have no place here. 

Rolling on!

6 Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”

It’s an easy one. Telling someone how NOT to think or feel doesn’t end the way they think or feel. It teaches them to feel and think poorly about how they already felt and thought poorly. AKA it creates shame around what they were already suffering with, and instructs them to try repression as a solution. Great! Helpful!

People do this because they want you to see and feel things the way that THEY do, because it’s easier. Because they AREN’T in your situation, so you should be able to simply adopt their safe and comfortable detachment from the scenario, just like they are. PS – good chance that people who do this ARE master repressors. They JUST DON’T think or feel about things that are unpleasant and they think avoidance and numbing could really help you out, too. And so, here we are, learning about having needs and feelings as adults because we were raised by these assgobblins. Right? Right. 

Don’t tell people to “not feel the way they feel.” AND ALSO, don’t accept this shit if anyone does it to you. Chronic self-repression is a good portion of the continued trauma aftermath that all of us deal with. Feel your damn feelings, Fucker. They aren’t wrong.

Movin on!

7 Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing . . . ”

Similar to consoling. “Bitch, don’t tell me shit you don’t know about.” And definitely don’t project your own sad, victimy mindset onto me. 

Telling people they SHOULD feel bad – the opposite of what we just discussed in the prior example – is also damaging. Maybe they weren’t in a state of recognized suffering when they came to you with this conversation… but now they are! Because you just informed them that you pity them, and maybe they SHOULD feel worse than they were. How disempowering and defeating. 

Yet… it’s addictive for some of us to have our misery “seen,” which I don’t think is an accident.

When people do this? Ohhhh they’re complicit emotional manipulators and emotional abusees, is my guess. They act as the codependent echo chambers to people who DO want to be told “oh poor you,” so that comes up instinctively for them. AND/OR they enjoy that pity, themselves, and assume everyone else does as well.

Or… you know… alternatively, they have exiled parts that no one ever recognizes the enduring pain of, and those parts leap to the forefront to offer you suffering validation that they long for. They could be speaking to your pain in the way they wish anyone had spoken to theirs, projecting their own needs upon you.

But the approach isn’t helpful. It teaches us to move backwards in the NVC process – back into our emotions and evaluations – rather than moving forward with validation, empathy, and behavioral resolution. It might invite or inspire us to feel WORSE. And it might enmesh us with someone who educates us on our own victimhood, if we don’t explode at the suggestion first. Yikes.

And onward we go!

8 Interrogating: “When did this begin?”

Asking clarifying questions after a disclosure or NonViolent request? Good. Demonstrates interest and improves understanding. 

Asking a billion questions in rapid succession about various minute details of what was said? Overwhelming and emotionally flooding. Feels like an attack rather than an attempt at comprehension. 

So why does this happen? Well, back to that ol’ “not having emotions or emotional space” problem. People don’t hear or know how to deal with the feeling aspect of what is being said, so they launch into evidence collection. Not a bad intention, necessarily. But, again, the execution sucks. And there’s an air of “judgment” included in their investigation – as though they’re evaluating us to determine if our concern is worth their time or not – which doesn’t help the discloser whatsoever. It feels like they’re looking for a direction to point their finger. 

Ask questions. But do it in a calm, measured, organic way that unfolds with the conversation. And if you have a bunch of questions, frame it that way and ask permission to ask them. Don’t interrogate. People will not continue speaking to you if every conversation becomes a waterboarding session that suggests they deserve unpleasant consequences. 

Next!

9 Explaining: “I would have called but . . . ”

Oh, as the receiver, maybe nothing is more discombobulating and frustrating. 

Hey, no one needs your undermining explanation getting mixed in with their emotional and need-based vulnerability. It rips the rug out from what they were prepared to express and demands that they revise everything according to your perspective. And that is the purpose of this explaining tactic, isn’t it? It’s to say “hey, I hear you saying you’re upset about this… but let me just tell you why you shouldn’t be, if we could back this train up a few miles and start again with new facts under your belt, from where I stand.” 

Which is valid – everyone wants to be understood and seen accurately. BUT ALSO. That train HAS left the station. The feelings have already been felt. So now those need to be addressed BEFORE any facts are going to allow the ol’ logical comprehension and integration department to give a single shit about what you’re saying and rebalance those feelings. 

See what I’m saying? 

Explaining is tempting. And it’s not wrong for this to enter the conversation eventually so everyone feels heard. But right out of the gate? Nay Fucker, nay. First the original speaker person wants to be heard, and they are owed that human right because they put in the work to make this vulnerable conversation take place. Your damn ego needs to be okay with sitting down for a second to allow that to happen. THEN you can speak to your side of things. 

Okay, and, on that note… Last one!

10 Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

Very close to Explaining… Correcting is another attempt to convince the discloser NOT to feel how they feel, or even to finish the thought they were about to unravel with us. Which teaches the receiver? Not to bother speaking. Their version of reality is never going to be accepted, so anything they say is a moot point before they even try to speak. 

And, of course, again, it makes sense that people would respond this way. We deserve to be seen and comprehended accurately. No one enjoys hearing fairy tales about themselves. And it tracks that many of us learned to jump to defending ourselves and our experience of the material world in conversations as quickly as possible. We came from families who love to make up stories and assign blame in accordance with their big, scary, emotions that they can’t handle themselves… so we’re sensitive to fake news and projections. We want to nip them in the bud ASAP.

But it’s not helpful to the other party or your relationship to assume that they’re continually trying to “pull one over on you with fake facts.” 

If they ARE wired that way… I mean… This might be a sign that they’re a little too similar to the family tree in emotional dysregulation and internal disintegration aspects to be meeting you where you’re at right now. If you genuinely need to re-consider reality with them on a regular basis, it sounds like there are bigger problems at hand like breaks from reality and attempts at manipulation. If you ARE on the lookout for major factual falsities, this is going to be a looooong journey with this other individual. And I feel for you. Yadda yadda yadda I would consider how you want to approach that RELATIONSHIP, not each individual conversation within it. 

But that’s a whole other story, and let’s wrap this episode which has gotten too long.

So, there are at least 10 ways of responding that don’t help in vulnerable, nonviolent, conversations. Hint: I have a lot more. 

1 Advising: “I think you should . . . ” “How come you didn’t . . . ?”

2 One-upping: “That’s nothing; wait’ll you hear what happened to me.”

3 Educating: “This could turn into a very positive experience for you if you just . . . ” 

4 Consoling: “It wasn’t your fault; you did the best you could.”

5 Story-telling: “That reminds me of the time . . . ”

6 Shutting down: “Cheer up. Don’t feel so bad.”

7 Sympathizing: “Oh, you poor thing . . . ”

8 Interrogating: “When did this begin?”

9 Explaining: “I would have called but . . . ”

10 Correcting: “That’s not how it happened.”

But NVC said “telling people what NOT to do doesn’t help, because it doesn’t tell them what TO do.” We need to present positive action suggestions and requests, not unsupported behavioral extinction plans. 

So. What to do about all of these NOT recommended responses to connective conversation? 

Well, Fucker. You heard me mention over and over again that there weren’t always bad intentions behind these bad responses… they were just executed poorly… and, in fact, timing and consent could go a long way in making them safe, healthy, and connective conversational options. 

And, fittingly, that’s what we’re about to talk about in the next two weeks over on the Mothership. HOW-TO turn these don’ts into dos, by setting the stage correctly to take a good deal of pressure and defensiveness off the table. Keeping trauma brains in mind, how do we prepare for difficult conversations and how do we keep ourselves grounded throughout them, so we CAN give our best responses rather than preprogrammed reactions? That’s the next set of shows comin down the shoot as we ramp up for the holiday. 

Plus, we also went into so much detail on these not-recommended tactics, including rolling them into Thanksgiving examples, that these ten DON’T DOs clocked in at almost 3 hours of discussion. 

SO. If you’re STILL feeling unclear on why people answer this way, including yourself, or WHY these replies hit so hard… there’s a lot of discussion left for you. 

Such as: HOW-TO respond in a different way, if you’re inclined towards any of these pain points. HOW-TO redirect the conversation back in a helpful direction if someone DOES throw these shit answers at you. Or how to possibly navigate some pushy family dynamics with nonviolent communication this holiday season…

Yeah, these episodes are for you. And also, the shitty communicators around you, who might learn a thing or two about how they’re received – despite their best intentions. These shows are for them too. 

And with that… I bid you a Happy Fucking start to the Holiday season. Sorry it’s so early, I do feel like a big box store over here, playing Mariah in September.

But also, it’s never too soon to start practicing before you’re in the presence of the intergenerational family slap, known as Spanksgiving round these parts. 

Remember the 4 steps of NVC. Separate observations from evaluations. Name and own your emotions behind those judgments. Discover the unmet needs driving the feelings. And make a request – not a demand – to your partner with opportunity for clarification and discussion. 

Also.

Slow down your responses so they aren’t trauma-programmed, defensive, reactions. 

Recognize the intention and goal behind what’s being expressed and stay in line with those self-standards. 

When you notice big emotions or NONE emotions, take a goddamn break to reconnect with yourSelf. 

And when in doubt, just ask people what they really need, what they’re open to receiving, and what would be helpful for them right now. 

All the while, being mindful of your boundaries – your self-rules about what you will and won’t accept, in order to keep yourself showing up as the best, most balanced, most emotionally-clear, and need-fulfilled, version of you. 

And I’ll see you on the other side. Jk, there will be a holiday special before then. 

See you then, Fuckers! 

Hail your damn Self. And Cheers! You got it this year!