Yoooooo my Fuckers. Welcome back. Thank you for being here, learning about the wild things brains do. And thank you, especially, to the friends who help me keep this thing (and myself) alive while also learning the full details of everything we talk about here (and so much more) over at patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers. None of this would exist without you. And cheers, my Motherfuckers. I sincerely, sincerely… think of you way too often .

Alright, now let’s pick up where we left off. 

As I randown last time, it’s been a year of talking about relationships and the many obstacles we face throughout the course of them. And don’t worry, I will get off talking about relationships soon. But one thing we’ve learned conclusively through research and real life is… conflict is bound to happen. We will not always be happy with each other. Often we will feel mortally wounded by each other.

And then…. We somehow still need to find a way for the relationship to continue.

Which is a big problem. 

Most of us – not even “trauma people,” but human beings – didn’t learn to resolve conflict very well. We try to protect ourselves against others and the critics in our own brains, which tends to undermine any attempt at repairing our relationships after they’ve gotten right fucked up. But then we cling onto continuing the relationship, anyways, because we have to, because it would be more uncomfortable to end the thing, or because we think there won’t be another option down the line.

So we end up limping through terrible social situations where both parties are low-key in pain AT one another and also AT themselves. OR we cut and run in a flighty state, figuring it’s easier than trying to mend what’s been broken. Maybe it seems like the only option, entirely. 

Either way, not resolving our conflicts fully? Doesn’t help any of us. 

The relationship obviously suffers, as both parties pull away from each other. And each individual also suffers, with the terrorfest that is a relationally traumatized brain running riled, rampant, and unchecked. 

So as we spoke about last time? It’s critical that we have resolution to our relational rifts. For the association that we share between us, and also for the mental health of each person, individually. 

In our last episode we discussed an easy phrase that speaks to the underlying, unmet, needs that are often pinged by relational upsets. “I see you, I hear you, I love you, and I’ve got your back.”

And we’re back here today to talk about…. Not that. The opposite of that. What we usually get from our relational comrades, instead of that.

Some motherfucking terrible-ass apologies. 

That… actually… despite containing the phrase “I’m sorry”… aren’t apologies at all.  

They’re non-apology apologies. 

And I’ve got 14 of them that I’ve detailed in the full-on episode of the same namesake. Find it in the private stream if you’re really hankering for insights on your prior or current relationship shittery. I can’t get through all of them here in our shorter format, but I’ve got a few that I need to throw your way. 

And I bet they’ll sound familiar. Let me say that again. “Family-iar.” 

So keeping in mind that our goal is to repair what’s been broken. And that requires 1) acknowledging that something has been broken and 2) taking responsibility for our part in what’s gotten fucked up so that 3) we can speak to the wound that we’ve pinged in the other person and assure them that it’s safe with us… before 4) offering amendments – new behaviors that we will execute in the future to avoid hitting on those personal pain points. And then 5) actually following through on what we say. 

Well, let’s run through some quarter-assed attempts at ending conflict without actually doing any of the aforementioned 5 points. Especially, without taking responsibility or understanding the problem in the first place. These are terrible, ineffective, additionally harmful statements that masquerade as apologies while rotting out our relationships. Here we go!

“I’m sorry IF.” 

Hey, you know what’s a good sign of something not being a fucking apology? If they don’t know what they’re apologizing for – yeah, it’s not a goddamn apology. 

I’m sorry IF I hurt your feelings. I’m sorry IF it was uncool that I did that last night. I’m sorry IF I did something that upset you. 

Saying “I’m sorry IF” suggests that you’re not sure if you’ve done anything to feel remorseful about at all. It’s sortof a theoretical problem that we’re possibly speaking to. But… IF you did do something upsetting, ya know, can the other person just not make it a big deal? IF that did take place (and I’m not saying it did), then, you know, I’m sorry or whatever. 

“I’m sorry IF” is not a good apology.

Now, I’ll throw in the necessary trauma-caveat here. A lot of us often aren’t sure if we’ve done something wrong, genuinely. Ya know, being poorly socialized a lot of the time… we’re actually not certain. We pick up a weird vibe and automatically think we did something wrong because we were trained to do that much. But we miiiiight actually need to check in to find out. I think it’s a little less confrontational for us to say “sorry if I did that,” rather than to ask “oh shit, did I just do that?” But we would be better served by the latter question, followed up by a genuine apology in which we state that we DID do the thing. 

With me? 

Okay, so “I’m sorry IF” is an apology failure because it doesn’t take responsibility and it doesn’t actually speak to the other person’s experience. It suggests that we’re unwilling to deeply consider what they went through…. But we’re sorry IF it was unpleasant. Therefore signaling that we won’t hold emotional or empathetic space for them, and we’d prefer that they just let it go. 

It’s a shitpology! Bookmark it and don’t accept it anymore. Also, please don’t use it in your own relationships.

Next one. 

“I’m sorry, you know I….”

As in: I’m sorry…. You know I didn’t mean it. You know I love you. You know it’s not like that. 

So this one says “you have no right to actually feel how you feel about this, because you KNOW better. … ps – Because I’m telling you that you know better, regardless of what you actually have observed.”

Don’t you love it?! 

So this is a manipulation to enable abuse, in my book. “Yeah, I did the thing… but let’s ignore it because I’ve supposedly established previously that there’s something special going on here, so anything I do in the aftermath that challenges that idea needs to be forgotten.”

Come on, you KNOW I was kidding. You KNOW I care about you more than anyone. You KNOW I would never hurt you on purpose. You KNOW I don’t enjoy acting that way, either. 

All of these examples are collection of justifications for bad behaviors that don’t speak to the bad behaviors at all. Or the resulting feelings. They, instead, ask you to defer attention to something that will make you feel differently. 

In other words, saying “Just override your emotions NOW with what I’m informing you you should have felt previously.” Be that trust, appreciation, love, care, etcetera. “Just ignore your recent memories and instead lean on historical ones that paint this situation in a different light.” 

Yeah. Not an apology. No responsibility taken. No recognition of the other person’s experience. No spoken intention to do anything different in the future. 

Doesn’t help. Just sortof gaslights the other party into believing they don’t or shouldn’t feel what they feel. And that’s damaging.

Onwards!

“I’m sorry BUT…”

You know what the word “but” does in a sentence? It negates what was just said. And thats its function in apologies, too.

So, although we generally use it as a warning that we’re actually about to explain OUR position – and that’s a natural human tendency – what we’re actually saying is “I’m sorry BUT… not really.”

“There’s a REASON why I hurt you.” 

I’m sorry acts as a justification. And it switches the attention from the real issue – what was hurtful to the other party – to whatever was happening inside of US. 

Not an apology. It’s a request to, instead, understand OUR position. And then – again – to just “let it go.” Because we have rationale in our heads that we think you should also adopt, accept, and use to override your own experience. 

Don’t “I’m sorry BUT” people. First, tell them what you’re sorry for. Later in the conversation, you will have the opportunity to describe your position to give the mishap context. But it has no place IN the apology, itself. 

First, repair what’s been busted. Later, tell them why it got all weird in the first place. But realize that the context doesn’t negate what’s happened. And that’s what needs to be spoken to. 

Next up (and lastly, for this mini rundown)!

“I’m sorry YOU…”

Hey. Pretty simply. Any time you’re apologizing? You’re taking responsibility for what YOU did. So, there should never be a “I’m sorry YOU” statement. 

Only “I’m sorry that I” is relevant here. 

Now. I’m sure, if you’re listening to this podcast at least semi-regularly, that you’re having memories flood your brain right now – especially, pointedly and infuriatingly, including the phrase…. Sigh, here we go….

“I’m sorry YOU feel that way.” 

Ughhhh, I could rip some heads off just saying it out loud. There is no worse apology in my book. 

That statement is, in every way, a blame-shifting copout costumed as an apology. 

It says “I’m not sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for the way that you’re reacting to what I did.” Which more subtly says… “you’re wrong and the real problem is your experience, not whatever actions I took.” 

Welcome to the only apology I’ve ever received from my family. “I’m sorry you have feelings, Jess. I’m sorry you have thoughts that I’d prefer you didn’t have. I’m sorry about YOU, not ME.”

And, yep it’s never resolved a single conflict. It only makes it obvious that the other party gives none shits about whatever you’re going through. And they’re pretttttty sure it’s your fault anyways. 

So. Apologies are about taking responsibility. Which means “I’m sorry” can only be followed by the words “that I…” If you ever catch a whiff of “I’m sorry that YOU,” go ahead and reject that attempt at rectification. Because it’s offloading all accountability onto your plate, rather than the other person owning up to what they dished out.

And… I’ve got ten more terrible non-apology apologies for you. If you’re trying to learn what NOT to do, what NOT to accept in your relationships, or what downstream effects are likely to follow such placating statements… well… idk. You might want to hit up the full episode on the topic, and start rethinking how language really makes a difference in the health and maintenance of our relationships. 

Which brings me to… next month’s topic.

Yo, it’s a big one. We’re finally getting into what’s called “nonviolent communication.” 

AKA – the way to EFFECTIVELY talk to each other without all the blame-shifting, confusion, demand making, and control tactics. There’s a four step procedure for relating in a way that actually works – rather than speaking our out asses, flinging our unexamined emotions at others, and demanding our unspoken needs be met without telling the other party what they are. And we’re getting into it – and all the detailed language that makes it work – for September. 

Should give everyone enough time to practice with it as the holidays rapidly approach. So there you go, folks who are already freaking out about the impending doom of the “most wonderful time of the year.” 

Get your nonviolent communication skills building. Get these fake apology formats in your head so you know what NOT to fall for. And… you know… get better at relational repairs, yourself, while you’re at it. 

It’s not your job to fix the fuckery that’s come before you. But as exhausting as “being the bigger person” is, it does demonstrate to others what they can work to grow into by following your lead. Help them feel seen, heard, loved, and supported in relationship – something that they ALSO probably haven’t really experienced – and you’d be surprised what that can do for a brain. 

Unmet needs versus unmet needs will almost always lead to a knife fight. But feeling fulfilled and secured – even just from one end of a two-person continuum – will change the whole dynamic for the better. 

So, my friends. 

Remember the purpose of relational repair. It’s speaking to the wounds and unmet needs of each other, individually, to establish a stable, secure, vulnerable, and trusting foundation for the relationship to grow upon. 

NOT to bully the other party into accepting some half-hearted words that “poof” make the problem go away. 

Cool? Cool.

Take responsibility. Speak to the experience of the other person. Offer amended behaviors that avoid repeating the same harmful behavior in the future. And follow through on what you say. 

Anything less is manipulation. Justification. Blame shifting. And, generally… just a shitty non-apology, apology.

See you next month for the rundown on Nonviolent Communication!

And in the meantime, we’ll be chilling in the private stream. See you there, at patreon.com/traumatizedmotherfuckers.

Hail yourSelf.

Hail, your standards for and ability to effectively apologize. 

Hail Archie.

And cheers, y’all.